Shame vs. Self-Esteem: What Are You Actually Battling?

We’ve all been there—stuck in that lonely, dark place where it feels like nothing we do is enough. You’re exhausted, not just physically but emotionally too. The world expects you to have it all together, but inside, you’re unraveling. And then, there it is—shame, creeping in with its full-contact intensity, telling you that you're flawed, unworthy, and don’t belong.

Sound familiar?

Shame and self-esteem are often confused, but Brené Brown’s research reveals a critical distinction: shame is an emotion, while self-esteem is how we think about ourselves. When we’re in shame, we can’t see the big picture. We’re not thinking about our strengths or even our potential; we’re just feeling exposed and deeply flawed.

Brown describes shame as the voice of perfectionism. It's that cruel inner critic that says, “You are exactly what you do, how well you do it, and how much you earn.” I can relate—can you? For a long time, I tried to prove myself everywhere I went. I felt shame in every part of my life: from my father’s judgment that I wasn’t smart enough for school, to being called a liar for telling inconvenient truths, to being the awkward person with cPTSD that no one could understand.

The hardest part of shame is that it isolates us. It pulls us into a small, suffocating place where we feel utterly alone. And at the same time, society tells us we need to “fit in” more than ever. It’s a paradox—shame isolates us, yet fitting in has never been more demanded. But here’s the catch: shame thrives on isolation. It’s when we share our experiences that we begin to strip it of its power.

I’ve learned that by focusing on what works in my life, I can start to challenge those feelings of inadequacy. And let me tell you, it’s liberating.

When you feel overwhelmed by shame or the pressure to be perfect, try focusing on your strengths. What have you already overcome? What are your true capabilities? Think of self-esteem as a running list of your accomplishments and resilience. It’s about focusing on the big picture of who you are, not that small, lonely place that shame drags you into.

I know what it’s like to be consumed by shame. From being the person who gives 1000% at work and still feels worthless after one piece of negative feedback, to desperately trying to prove to my colleagues that I’m not stupid, just to feel secure in my role. And it doesn’t stop at work; I’ve experienced the same need to prove my worth in relationships, just to end up feeling alone again.

But here’s the thing: focusing on what works—your strengths, your progress, and the things you’ve already accomplished—can help pull you out of that small place. It’s not easy, and it’s not perfect, but it’s a step towards reclaiming your sense of self.

If you feel stuck in shame or that constant need to prove yourself, let’s talk. Everyone deserves a space where they can feel seen and valued, not constantly judged. I’d love to help you create your own haven and learn to focus on what truly works in your life.

Lastly, don’t forget—I'll be speaking at the WEL Conference in Valencia this November about Thriving with PTSD. Join me as I share my journey of moving from shame to self-acceptance, and let’s explore how we can all thrive despite our challenges. Reach out if you need more information about the event.

Yours,

Daniela

Contact me today to start your journey to self-acceptance and focusing on what works.

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