Shame - Toxic organisations

Many of us use shame as a tool for domination, power, authority and rule. However, most of us don't really understand the origins of shame or the deeply toxic impact in which this psychological weapon can have.

Generally, those that shame others into action or surrender, have been deeply shamed themselves in childhood. Many high flying careers are born out of the desperate need to avoid ever feeling the hurtful feelings of shame again. We don't have to look far in the direction of current world leaders to find the evidence of this.

Shame is very different from guilt, a common misunderstanding. When we feel guilty, we generally have a desire to repair damage and avoid repeating whatever caused the guilty feeling in the first place. Generally, the guilt belongs to the situation or circumstance and not the individual. We've all said things and acted in ways we regret (and feel bad about) in the heat of the moment. We can usually put this down to a legitimate reason such as stress, deadlines, too much alcohol, not enough sleep and so on. The difference between guilt and shame is that the shame based individual has an internalised belief that they themselves are faulty and the central reason for the upset or unpleasant situation. One way in which shame develops is when children are heavily criticised, made to feel weak and inferior (by parents and authority figures) and left alone with these feelings. The hurt remains unrepaired. The psychology of shame has been the topic of many books and too complex to discuss in this article. The main point is that many individuals are left with unhealed shame from childhood and it can become a major problem. Both for the individual and the systems in which we manoeuvre.

Companies and organisations are systems. Just like a family, only bigger and more complex. We talk a lot at the moment about the promotion of psychological safety within organisations. If shame based leadership is at the root of an organisation or its leader(s) then psychological safety may be an impossibility. We can recognise shame within an organisation by the way in which the system operates, particularly when the system is stressed. How do those at the top communicate with those in different positions? Is the hierarchy expressed through role and responsibility or narcissistic rank and file?

An employee will quickly understand the nature of an organisation when a situation arrises in which the employee has an additional need. Let say, for example that the employee did not hit an expected target for the month. An organisation that promotes psychological safety, will attempt to gain an understanding of an issue so it can be avoided and thus a learning experience is created. It's likely a good rapport will be fostered within the workforce from an environment where mistakes (although not desired) are accepted and learned from. The employee can then feel a deeper connection with the organisation and a sense of role and belonging within the system. The system becomes desirable for the employee and they are more likely to want to stay.

If, using the same example, that the employee is purposefully made to feel small and 'bad' for missing the target (by the shame based employer/leader/manager) then the psychological game being played out becomes one of domination-submission (parent-child). In the short-term the employee may go away and do whatever it takes to please the person of authority as a way to avoid any further shaming, but this is not a long term solution and remains extremely sub-optimal. No one likes to be dominated into submission and made to feel inferior or incapable. Those with a healthy sense-of-self will not stay within the organisation long. Those who equally have a lot of unresolved shame, may well put up with being dominated and shamed for some time (as a way of pleasing the perceived parent) but will inevitably resent and despise the employer. This is when things turn toxic and organisations develop an insidious problem that is extremely hard to solve.

We all have unresolved issues from our past, long ago. My point within this article is to highlight that using shame as a way to 'get stuff done' is in fact psychological manipulation and not okay. It is not always clear that shame is the origin of an individuals or organisations culture as shame can also present in very subtle and secretive ways, occupying the shadows of a culture. If spotted, address it. Stop it. Cut it right out before it reaches the core. If it's already at the core then perhaps some external, objective help might be needed to find a solution.