Shame is Taught

Here I am, back to talking about shame again. I swear eventually I will start talking about something else, but it really is the elephant in the room.

Shame is tricky, it’s something we all experience to varying degrees, and it’s not something I think we will ever fully be rid of. It is part of living in a society where other people exist and think their way of thinking and living is the only right way. Shame is not something we are born with; it is something we are taught. When we are born, we do not feel shame about our bodies, or exploring our bodies. Adults coo at little babies when they discover their feet, or when they are surprised to learn they have legs that can walk. We encourage babies to explore their bodies, BUT!!!! Only in a way that we have deemed societally acceptable. As soon as a baby realizes they have genitals, we begin to shame them for daring to explore them, and seeing how they work. Humans aren’t born with thoughts about how our bodies should look, or what our bodies should do and how they should behave. All of those thoughts are taught to us by our parents, our religions, the societies we were born into.

If you live in America, as I currently do, then you are well acquainted with our (some call wonderful, I call horrendous) Protestant work ethic. The ethic that tells us that work is a virtue and pleasure is a sin that needs to be reined in. An ethic that freely uses the term “guilty pleasure” like there is something wrong with just enjoying the things you like. An ethic that tells you it’s ok to criticize your body, your mind, your being, but to be joyful and celebrate yourself and love yourself is damn sin. You’re so vain if you dare to love yourself, or stuck up if you dare to think highly of yourself. But if you tear yourself down we will be right there with you, because that is the right and proper thing to do (EYE ROLL.) I could go on about how wrong this ethic is and all the ways I want to fight against it, but we would be here for hours.

Shame keeps people meek, timid, and “in their place.” It can be used to control a person, or persons, and remind them that they are unworthy of something better. Now imagine a world where you felt allowed to live fully as yourself, maybe not free from the judgment of others, but free from the worry of what that judgement means. A world where you feel free to indulge in pleasure, and to allow yourself that feeling of pleasure without worry. What a world that would be!

Well I am here to tell you that you can have it. Just as shame is learned, it can be unlearned. It’s not easy. Shame is everywhere, and it is powerful. But you are more powerful. You have the ability to think critically, and a critical mind is a wonderous place (and quite a dangerous place for those who want you to stay meek and timid.) You get to decide how you feel about your body, about sex, about pleasure. Because that body and that brain belongs only to you, and it is yours to do as you please. By taking the messages that have told you pleasure is bad, sex is bad, and you are bad for liking it, and examining them carefully, you can also tell those messages to fuck off. You can find pride in the fact that you took something so deeply engrained in yourself, examined it, and decided to make your own decision about it. Whatever that decision may be. Together, through a lot of hard work and mindset shifts, we can create a world where sex isn’t shameful, it just is. I hope that you will join me.