Shame

Hello friends!

I have been thinking a lot about the topic of shame recently as I was doing some research for my Extraordinary Hearts retreat (which was SO wonderful my heart feels FULL! Next one is in Feb in case you would like to join us ??). The topic we spoke mainly about was compassion - and most importantly compassion for self.

Shame CANNOT thrive when there is compassion.

Compassion is empathy in action.

It’s seeing someone struggling and then taking the steps to ease suffering.

So think about this in terms of being SELF-compassionate.

What this means is: you make a mistake, you cheat on someone you love, you stay too long in a relationship you know you should have got out of, you scream horribly at someone who didn’t deserve it, you loose your temper at your child, you don’t have the relationships you wish you had with your family, you hate the way you look, you feel shame for your divorce, for drinking, for addiction and how it affected those around you… for not being at the place you wish you were at aged 30, 37, 43, 51, 64….

But you choose to see that this DOES NOT make you a bad person.

Because that’s the difference between shame and guilt.

Shame is I AM A BAD PERSON.

Guilt is I DID A BAD THING.

Guilt is going to help you grow.

Shame is going to cause you to feel stuck, it will keep you small, it won’t help you transform.

And that’s the key here.

How badly do you want your life to transform? Because it’s not about changing your outer world. It’s ALL ABOUT changing your inner world.

I teach all my coaching clients at the beginning of my program that the only way they will create expansive change for themselves and their relationships is to leave shame behind. Now.

So what are the steps you can take to ease your suffering?

1. Feel the pain. WITHOUT the stories (“I am unlovable” “I am stupid” “I’ll never get where I want to in life.”) Feel the sadness in your heart, the disappointment, the anger, the frustration (and seek professional help with this if you are unable to do this on your own.) Sit with yourself and let the tears run. Punch a pillow. Scream. Let it release.
2. What is it you need? Community? Belly laughter? A good dance around your room to Beyonce? A creative outlet? Ask yourself, what do I need to feel more fulfilled, connected and loved?
3. Don’t just rely on others to give you what you need - you have to start relying on yourself - having your own back is the most badass thing you can do!
4. Create 5 minutes at the beginning and end of your day. 5 minutes when you wake up in the morning - eyes closed, take some long deep breaths, hand on heart, and think of something you are grateful for - visualise it and feel into it. For more Science on why gratitude is so important click here. 5 mins in the evening to look at your wins - however small they are - “I made myself a cup of tea today.” Gratitude and noticing your wins will start to rewire your brain to move you out of shame and towards connection.
5. Have a think of how you would speak to someone you deeply love - how would you comfort them in their time of pain? What would you say to them? How would you say it? Would you give them a hug? The way you speak to this person is how you have to learn to speak to yourself.

The more we speak about shame the less it can survive. I encourage you to share your shame with people who you trust and who you know will support you. If you don’t have a space for this… I am currently creating something special that will be a safe place for a community of like-minded women to share openly. Watch this space! And if you would like to help me with my research in creating THE SELF-WORTH CLUB, please click here. I would hugely appreciate you taking the time to help!

Thank you for taking the time to read my Lessons in Love! As always, please comment / like if you have found this helpful.

Big love,

Sophie xxx