Shame Often Accompanies Guilt!

Following on from our last post on managing guilt, shame often accompanies guilt which can lead to feelings of regret and rumination.

Shame is a maladaptive emotion which means it doesn’t help us deal with our situation. Instead of leading to positive outcomes or a resolution, it tends to make things worse.

Maladaptive emotions interfere with our ability to think clearly, to make decisions, and to engage in healthy behaviours.

Many of our emotions can be adaptive or maladaptive depending on our experiences which form our benchmarks for future reference.

For example, fear can be adaptive when it keeps us safe from danger, but it becomes maladaptive if it prevents us from taking necessary actions or enjoying life.

Similarly, anger can motivate us to address an injustice and it can become maladaptive if it leads to aggressive behaviours or ruin relationships.

Managing shame from a neuroscience perspective involves understanding how the brain and nervous system respond to shame and then using techniques to regulate these responses. Here are some strategies based on neuroscience:

1. Recognise the Autonomic State: When experiencing shame, the brain activates the sympathetic nervous system, which triggers the fight, flight, or freeze response. Recognising this state can help you understand your reactions, it is simply responding to data based on our experiences.
2. Respect the Adaptive Response: Shame is a natural response that has evolved to help us navigate social interactions. Respecting by being aware of this response can help us accept it rather than fight it. Always remember that our brain holds onto what we try to push away!
3. Regulate or Co-Regulate: Techniques like slow deep breathing, mindfulness, and grounding exercises (more on these in our next post) can help regulate the nervous system and bring it back to a calmer state. Co-regulation involves seeking support from others to help manage these emotions and feelings.
4. Re-storying: This involves reframing your thoughts about shame, in other words changing the data we feed our brain. Instead of seeing it as a sign of personal failure, try to view it as a signal that something needs attention or to change.
5. Therapeutic Interventions: Working with a therapist trained in shame can be helpful. Therapies like Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and Eye Movement Desensitization & Reprocessing (EMDR) can help address and reprocess shame-based beliefs.

Self-compassion is another powerful tool for managing shame. It involves treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer to a friend struggling with shame.

Here are some ways to practice self-compassion:

1. Mindfulness: Recognise and accept your emotions without judgment. Instead of trying to suppress or ignore feelings of shame, acknowledge them with a gentle non-critical attitude.
2. Self-Kindness: Instead of harshly criticising yourself for the perceived shortcoming, offer understanding that it was a mistake based on your own benchmark. Remember that making mistakes and facing challenges are part of being human.
3. Common Humanity: Understand that you are not alone in your experiences. Everyone goes through difficult times, makes mistakes, and feels shame. Recognising this shared human experience can help you feel more connected and less isolated.
4. Self-Compassionate Actions: Engage in activities that nurture and care for yourself. This could be spending time with loved ones, engaging in a hobby, or simply taking a moment to rest and relax. Do one thing each day that you love doing.
5. Affirmations: Practice positive self-affirmations to counteract negative self-talk. Phrases like "I am a good person," "I am worthy respect," and "I am doing my best" can help shift your mindset.

Self-compassion is not about letting yourself off the hook or ignoring areas for learning. It's about managing yourself with the same empathy and care that you would offer to others.

Let’s talk!