Shame and Blame in Ministry
“If shame and blame is our management style, or if it’s a pervasive cultural norm, we can’t ask people to be vulnerable or brave” (Brené Brown, Dare to Lead: Brave Work, Tough Conversations, Whole Hearts, New York: Random House, ó2018, p. 116).
This sentence seems to be at the heart of much of what’s going on today. It’s tempting to point to politics as the arena where “shame and blame” are active as the management style by both Republicans and Democrats. Unfortunately, the same thing plays out in businesses and in faith communities. In a faith community it could be the pastor, priest, rabbi, imam or other professional leader who brings in “shame and blame” management. At other times “shame and blame” has become the culture of the community.
When “shame and blame” become the management style of either the professional faith leader or the congregation joy, compassion, and heart-felt love for every member will not be present. Any potential growth of the community is, at best, stunted. In really severe cases a congregation will split or die under such a management style.
It could be argued that blame and shame are part of the human condition. In Genesis 3 we hear Adam blame Eve and Eve blame the serpent when God asks them if they’ve eaten the fruit of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. Original sin is often talked about among Christians as either disobeying God or trying to be like God. Perhaps original sin is or at least should include blaming and shaming others rather than taking responsibility for our own words and actions. The consequences of “shame and blame,” whether as a management style in a congregation, a business, politics or in our own lives are certainly far-reaching and destructive.
There’s much more that could be said about this, but the burning question is really, “What now?” There is a road of grace, forgiveness and authenticity but it’s not always an easy road to travel. Brené Brown puts it this way, “When we have the courage to walk into our story and own it, we get to write the ending. And when we don’t own our stories of failure, setbacks, and hurt – they own us” (ibid, p. 240).
How do we do this? This will be the focus of an upcoming article.