Shame: Another Man-Made Virus That Blurs Clarity, Distorts Feelings, and Fuels Self-Doubt.

Trust Your Gut—You are Being Manipulated. Reach Out for a Fresh Perspective.

Popular Comments: the ones I hear in my practice…

• I can't tell because they will think I am weak.
• I cannot report it because I don't trust they will believe or support me.
• I cannot talk about this because I am embarrassed that I let this hurt me.
• If I complain, I'll only make things worse for myself.
• I am not sharing this because they keep saying I love drama or attention.
• If I report this person, I will be next, and I will be alone. I can't handle not being part of a group. I don't want to sit at the outcast table.
• This abuse wouldn't bother me so much if I were stronger or more intelligent.
• I don't belong here. No one wants me around.
• I shouldn't have let this get to me; I should be tougher.
• Why can't I move on and stop thinking about this?
• Maybe I'm overreacting. I need to suck it up and deal with it.
• This aggression may be how workplaces are, and I need to accept it.

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Sound familiar?

Shame is one of the most debilitating emotions we can experience, and in the context of workplace bullying, harassment, sexual harassment, or violence, its effects can be paralyzing. It's important to remember that you are not alone in this experience. Shame feeds off silence, isolating targets and preventing them from speaking up or seeking help. In a professional environment, shame does not discriminate. It is an experience shared by people of all genders, ages, and roles—whether you're an executive, a new hire, or someone who has worked in a company for decades. The impact of shame is profoundly personal yet widely pervasive, spreading through the cracks of organizations and systems unaddressed.?

The intent? To silence and isolate you. Bullies see you as a threat—yes, you. Even if you have no intention of being one, something about you challenges them. And if you were perfect, you would still be targeted because you're perfect. Stop overanalyzing what it is about you that attracts this behavior. Instead, reach out to someone who can help you develop a strategy to protect yourself, safeguard your well-being, and ensure your safety.

How does that happen?

Shame is insidious; it can affect a person's sense of self and shape their worldview. In the workplace, shame often manifests as a fear of speaking out, a tendency to self-blame, and a feeling of inadequacy. ?Those targeted may believe that if they were somehow "better" or "stronger," they wouldn't be experiencing this mistreatment. They may question their perceptions, fearing they will be labeled troublemakers, weak, or overly sensitive if they raise their concerns.

Shame thrives in environments where there is a lack of accountability, support, and understanding. When individuals don't feel safe or supported to disclose their experiences, they internalize the belief that they are at fault or that their experiences are unworthy of attention. This cycle perpetuates itself, leading to withdrawal, isolation, silence, and physical or psychological illness (otherwise known as injuries).

The Weaponization of Shame by Bullies and Harassers

Shame wields power because people use it as a weapon. Those who bully, harass, or abuse others know that by instilling shame, they are effectively silencing their targets. If they can make the target feel unworthy or ashamed, they ensure the person will be less likely to report the behavior or seek help. This tactic is a form of psychological manipulation, controlling the narrative so that the target(s) begins to doubt their reality.

When individuals buy into this shame, they are, in essence, feeding the narrative of their abusers. Accepting they are at fault inadvertently upholds the bully's version of events. Understanding this dynamic is crucial: the shame we feel is often not a reflection of our actions or worth but rather a byproduct of someone else's need to control, manipulate, or diminish us. If you buy it, they win. If you feel shame, address it, don't live in it, and see it as an infection that distorts your thinking, feeling, and seeing, and it needs treatment so that clarity returns.

Reclaiming Power: Solutions for Dealing with Shame

Overcoming shame is not easy, especially when others have instilled it. However, there are effective ways to challenge this emotion and reclaim one's sense of worth. Here are several strategies that can empower those facing shame due to workplace bullying, harassment, or violence.

1. Separate Yourself from the shame

Shame is often a response to external manipulation, not a reflection of your true worth. The first step in overcoming shame is recognizing that it does not define you. Stop the negative self-talk as soon as it begins. Instead, practice self-compassion. Remember, by internalizing shame, you're feeding into the narrative set by those who seek to control or harm you. Understanding this helps you distance yourself from these feelings and see them for what they are: a weapon wielded by others, not an accurate reflection of who you are.?

2. Break the Silence

See it for what it is—a low-blow manipulation designed to hit you where it hurts, to knock the wind out of you so you don't respond with logic or rational thought. Instead, you're left reacting with emotions - confusion, disbelief, feeling blindsided, dumbfounded, haunted by fearful, ruminating thoughts. Sound familiar?

Shame grows in silence and secrecy, becoming a powerful weapon when unaware of its presence. We gain strength by refusing to take the abuser's actions personally and by viewing the situation. Though this is not an easy task, it is easier with support. Sound familiar? This is a common experience for many who have faced workplace bullying or harassment.

One of the most effective ways to reduce the impact of shame is to do the opposite. Talk about it. Hold it out and look at it. Don't hide it or minimize it; examine the facts. Being open about experiencing shame does not mean disclosing your experience publicly; instead, seek a trusted friend, mentor, therapist, or support group—who can listen without judgment. Speaking out helps you realize you're not alone, weakens shame's hold, and restores your clarity, truth, strength, and integrity. Take your power back and never let it go. Working on this to protect yourself IS the choice you get to make. Remember, seeking support is not a sign of weakness but a courageous step towards your development and healing.?

3. Seek Trauma-Informed Support

Trauma-informed professionals understand the complexities of shame and its profound impact on those who have experienced bullying, harassment, or violence. Working with a therapist or counselor explicitly trained in workplace bullying can be invaluable in processing feelings of shame. They can help you separate your self-worth from the harmful actions or words of others, guiding you toward a path that honors your experience and restores your sense of self. Often, the bullying experienced sheds light on areas within yourself that may have needed attention—and once you address them, no one will ever have the power to derail you again. I hope that everyone prioritizes self-insight and personal empowerment.

4. Challenge the Narrative

Bullies and harassers often fuel shame by crafting distorted narratives. They may imply that you are weak, challenging, different, don't belong, or that you're somehow to blame for the mistreatment you're experiencing. The moment you recognize that someone does not have your best interests at heart, begin documenting the statements they make. Before reacting, prepare a few lines to give yourself space to breathe and collect your thoughts, such as, 'Excuse me for a moment; I need to step away.' Below are a few other statements to keep handy for these moments.

View the aggressor as a problem you may never fully understand, and remind yourself of your strengths, talents, and accomplishments. Reframe the narrative to reflect your truth, not the twisted version others impose. Preparing in this way takes time and practice. Having a trusted support person to develop strategies and debriefing can be beneficial after challenging interactions.

5. Practice Self-Compassion

Shame can make us overly hard on ourselves, questioning every action or reaction. Practicing self-compassion means treating yourself with kindness and understanding instead of judgment. Acknowledge your humanity and the hurt you've experienced; feeling vulnerable is okay. It is the ultimate strength! Practicing self-compassion rebuilds your sense of safety and trust within yourself, which is essential for healing.Start by listening to your heart, letting its truth rise above the noise in your mind. While your mind can sometimes play tricks on you, your heart will never lie or waver.

Ask your heart, not your head: Am I a good person? Did I do my best? Am I human and allowed to make mistakes? Did I intend to cause any problems or harm? Am I a loving being?

Your heart is where your truth is.

?6. Recognize That You Are Not Alone

Workplace bullying, harassment, and violence are pervasive issues that affect people across all industries and demographics. The shame you feel is a typical response; many others have experienced similar feelings. Seeking out stories of others who have overcome similar challenges can be incredibly empowering. Knowing that others have walked this path and have found healing can provide a beacon of hope.

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Shame primarily comes from the emotional side of the brain, often associated with the right hemisphere. This side is more involved in processing emotions, intuition, and social interactions. Shame triggers parts of the brain related to emotions and survival, especially the limbic system, which includes the amygdala, which is responsible for processing emotions like fear and anxiety.

Meanwhile, the left hemisphere handles more logical and analytical thinking, which can help rationalize or reframe feelings of shame. Shame primarily originates from the brain's emotional centers, which closely connect to emotions and social perception.

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When something triggers us, we often find ourselves on the right side of our brain, overwhelmed with emotions that override logic and rational thought. This imbalance means we're not operating at total capacity and might respond in ways that hurt us further, such as engaging in negative self-talk or reacting in a way that gives the bully more ammunition. Knowing that there are some quick and simple tools to help you regain your balance and shift back into a grounded or complete capacity state is essential. One session with a therapist or trauma-informed coach will do it!

?7. Consider Your Values and Take Back Your Power

When we are shamed, we feel that we lack power or autonomy. Reclaiming that power involves reconnecting with our values and a sense of purpose. Think about why you do the work you do, what you want for yourself, and what you stand for. By focusing on your values, you begin to see beyond the shame and realign with your goals and integrity.

?Moving Forward: Building a Culture of Psychological Safety

Creating a culture that minimizes shame requires a commitment to psychological safety in the workplace. Organizations can play a crucial role by fostering an environment where employees feel safe to express concerns without fear of retaliation. Policies and practices should address and actively discourage bullying, harassment, and violence. Trauma-informed training, accountability mechanisms, and accessible specialized trauma-informed support systems are essential to creating a workplace where shame cannot thrive.

?At an individual level, recognizing shame as a tactic used to silence is a significant step in reclaiming one's voice and sense of self. We reclaim our power and embark on healing by rejecting the shame imposed upon us. Remember, each time you resist the urge to internalize shame, you dismantle the narrative of your oppressor and reinforce your own. Learn to protect your power with every choice you make.

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Terms and Definitions:

?Psychological harassment (bullying):

Persistent, hostile behavior intended to intimidate, belittle, or emotionally distress an individual, often through verbal abuse, humiliation, or exclusion. If left unaddressed over time, it can cause mild to fatal injuries, e.g., heart attack, stroke, and death by suicide.

?Psychological Violence:

Acts of emotional or mental abuse that harm an individual's psychological well-being, often involving threats, manipulation, or controlling behaviors aimed at undermining confidence or autonomy. If left unaddressed over time, it can cause mild to fatal injuries, e.g., heart attack, stroke, and death by suicide.

?Gaslighting:

Gaslighting is a manipulative tactic employed to make an individual question their perceptions, memories, or sanity. This act of psychological violence often involves denying reality, lying, or twisting facts to create confusion and foster self-doubt.

?Lateral Violence:

Hostile or aggressive behavior between peers, often occurring among individuals at the same organizational level, involves gossip, sabotage, or undermining intended to harm or control others.

Mobbing:

Group bullying occurs when multiple individuals target a specific person or ground through harassment, exclusion, or rumor-spreading, creating an intense and hostile environment for the target(s).

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Keep a few responses handy when you are in a difficult situation.

?"I'm open to discussing this, but only if we do it constructively."

?"I don't appreciate being spoken to this way. Let's continue when we can both stay grounded and respectful."

?"Let's stick to the facts rather than making personal accusations."

?"This conversation is becoming unproductive. I suggest we take a break and revisit it later."

"I need a moment to think this through. Let's continue this discussion when we're both ready and can remain calm."

?"I want to understand your feedback fully. Please clarify specific points so I can address them constructively.”

?"I'm committed to resolving this issue and would appreciate discussing it in a way that focuses on solutions."

?"I'd like to be as effective as possible, so can we keep the conversation focused on actionable steps?"

?"I respect your position and want to meet expectations. A calm approach will help me understand how I can improve."

?Use what is helpful to write a few of your own. Keep these close in case you need a logical and rational response. Re-reading these will be validating and empowering.

Dismantling a bully's arsenal requires us to do our work, as bullies often seek out and target our deepest wounds. This work calls for emotional intelligence: knowing ourselves, recognizing our triggers, and trusting our decisions. It also involves looking beyond the 'personal attack' and seeing it for what it truly is - reflecting the bully's insecurities. Witnessing a seemingly educated, mature adult resort to such desperate tactics exposes their need to control or diminish others. Understanding this helps us stay grounded, confident, and resilient against their attempts.

As human beings, we tend to avoid facing our wounds, yet in today's world, the only way to protect ourselves is to confront and heal them. Emotional intelligence, with its role in recognizing and healing personal wounds, is not just a safeguard; it's a gift we give ourselves and those who look up to us.

Linda Crockett MSW, RSW, SEP, CPPA

I hope this perspective and the tips offer help you, or someone you care about.

Instituteofworkplacebullyingresource.ca

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