Shadows

I have been under the social media radar over the past two months, in the shadows.? At the beginning of Aug my partner was air-lifted to hospital and underwent emergency surgery, followed by several tense weeks in intensive care.? Thankfully, he’s home now and recovering, and it is all beginning to feel almost dreamlike. But its not over yet…

Today, I feel deep gratitude, hopeful and capable of dealing with whatever comes to us next.? Don’t get me wrong, I was a mess and I’ve had some real low points.? I felt anxiety, guilt, embarrassment, frustration, vulnerability, helplessness, hopelessness…for impending loss, for not coping, for wasting precious time, for not doing enough, for not being more financially secure (we’re both self-employed), for not being good enough, for worrying too much. Huge shame! I’m a coach and I should know how to handle this!

Joseph Campbell talks of the Hero’s Journey.? The Hero is challenged in some way, battles to overcome the odds, becomes victorious, and returns home transformed.?

It’s only been 7 weeks, but I feel world’s away from the chaos of the early weeks.? So, what am I learning and what can I share that might be of use to someone else who finds themselves in a major life challenge?

1.????? Control of the external world is an illusion. ?Stop trying and put your energy somewhere useful. We have no idea what will happen in the next 5 minutes, let alone the next month or year.? ?Put your energy not into railing against what cannot be changed but into what can - the meaning you make and the response you give to any situation.

2.????? Be compassionate with yourself.? ?A really big thing happened. ?Its ok to be hurt, shocked, upset, anxious, to feel the earth had shifted under my feet.? I thought my partner might die. ?Its ok to feel overwhelmed by the enormity of big life events.? Giving time to let my emotions ‘just be’ was a necessary part of love and self-care, before I could ever begin to process and understand them.? ???

3.????? Awareness.? I was overthinking things that doctors or nurses said. ‘What did they really mean?!’, as I imagined the worst.? I thought unhelpful thoughts and made foolish choices. I behaved in ways I’m not proud of.? I realised I was not in a place of emotional regulation, great perspective or good decision making, and as time passed, I was more able to examine my emotional state with some objectivity, rather than just being ‘in it’.? Awareness is the start of change, of being able to re-regulate your system, and recovering executive brain function and decision making that are lost when we are in a chaotic emotional state.

4.????? Look for gifts.? There are always good things in any bad situation.? For me, to name a few, there was:

• A re-established connection with an old friend and being able to help her also.
• The love and support of my family.
• The sharp reminder that there may not be a tomorrow.
• Realising that I cannot let fear hold me back.
• Seeing the world about me with new eyes, and through my heart, and feeling wonder and awe.
• Appreciating that I create my own meaning and purpose.
• Understanding that we are humans with a full suite of emotions.
• Realising that these are superpowers that influence our experience of life.
• And if we manage our emotional life, just as we might exercise or change our diet to improve our bodies, there are great rewards for life experience, satisfaction and happiness.? ???

At one point, when I was at the bottom, I thought that victory might mean just surviving.? Now I believe this was just another chapter of my life and victory is finding the learning and growth, to understand my reactions and ‘shadows’, the darker, less desirable parts of my personality, and take responsibility for them.?

Our journey through illness is not over and I hope in some small way, I might be more resilient and accepting of what is to come, loving life along the way.

'Faith is the bird that feels the light and sings when the dawn is still dark.' Rabindranath Tagore

#compassion #control #shadows #herosjourney #resilience #happiness