Shadow Work? What's That?

Tool #3 FROM UPCOMING BOOK THERAPISTS ARE PEOPLE TOO!

Shadow Work – Confronting the Dark Parts of Yourself?

“Screw You! Therapists don’t really care, if I miss session, I can’t come until next week, you’re only there for me once a week!”.

This is Kyle. I am his trauma therapist. My session yesterday with him started like this. Kyle doesn’t know it yet, and we will laugh about it later, but he is about to become my favorite session of the week.

I am obsessed with Shadow Work, and we are about to do some. He will remark later, “How do you not hate me? I called 12 times and had the main office calling you too while you were in another session. I tried to fire you because you wouldn’t pick up, I am a total jerk!”. I smiled and told him a story.

My own brand-new therapist cancelled her whole weeks’ worth of appointments after our first session. Apparently, she came back from vacation sick. I was attempting to wrap my busy back-to-back, session after session, schedule into seeing her twice a month. Her cancelation would set me back another two weeks. Her office informed me through email, and I remember thinking, “Seriously, take care of yourself better, people rely on you!”. Then I emailed suggesting I might not proceed given I tightly arrange around this and I had already paused and waited a year to find a trauma therapist that took my insurance. I nearly quit therapy that day all because she gave me plenty of advanced notice she was out sick in a completely appropriate way! His jaw dropped.

Hey, Therapists are People Too, and all of our emotional triggers, therapist or not, are always fodder for great inner work. ?We all have traits that we want to shine out and those we don’t feel so confident about. Some of these traits may trigger or embarrass us, so we hide them from public view. These parts make up your Shadow Self, and it longs to be heard.?

Like for Kyle above, he has longed to just tell someone about this part of him that wants to know he has the power to make someone else not forget him. He wants, in his repressed need, to manipulate someone into not being able to ignore him or even do something to make them not stop thinking about him or what he is up to. He hasn’t been able to face it. It flooded him instead when he missed our session. I fit him in, and while he knew in some more rational place he can email me to reach me quickly and directly in session, and I would do what was occurring right now, he was mad he lost my attention when he missed session. I wasn't answering his call, I had moved onto the next person. He wasn’t mad, it was the him that was hijacked by a Shadow Part, the part that has a history with this sort of thing. ??

It’s not always easy to come to terms with our Shadow Selves. Many people tend to repress those hidden parts of themselves to avoid having to confront that darker side. Even though the shadow still exists, it gets pushed back and forgotten. However, repressing your inner shadow can have harmful consequences. If I had not been his therapist, as has been the case with women in his dating life, it leads to ghosting and the end of the relationship. As mentioned, most often the shadow manifests as our triggers — emotional reactions that we haven’t fully dealt with but bubble up to the surface under the circumstances in which they really would do best to stay way far away from, lest ruin our relationships. It takes training, self-awareness, guidance, and courage to help you face your shadow self in a healthy way.??

This is exactly why shadow work exists. Shadow work is designed to help you integrate and accept every single part of yourself so that you can live and thrive with more clarity and authenticity.?Let’s explore what shadow work means, how you can benefit from it, and how you can start practicing shadow work for yourself. I will share my thoughts on my Shadow Work as well. ?

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What is your inner shadow???

Your inner shadow is composed of parts of you that you subconsciously reject. The psychologist Carl Jung popularized the idea of the shadow self, or inner shadow. He defined the collective unconscious with eight different Jungian archetypes:?

• Self: The center of the personality or psyche — your conscious awareness?
• Shadow: The dark and emotional aspect of your psyche?
• Anima: An image of an idealized woman that draws people into their feminine side?
• Animus: A part of you that has the capacity for reflection and self-knowledge?
• Persona: The mask you wear to show the world while you protect your inner self?
• Hero: A part of your psyche that can overcome evil and destruction?
• Wise old man: A personification of the self that contains your wisdom?
• Trickster: A childish part of your psyche that needs gratification?

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Jung defined the shadow archetype as the dark and emotional side of your personality or psyche. It is not inferior or indecent. For example, Kyle had the idea, “I can make the last 15 minutes” before he became slowly more and more activated, and he has used this part before to make contact with me. He has shared with me that his house was so busy as a child, and he was the first one to have real activities. He felt so special but when all the other kids started to have them too, his dad would get angry at him and say, “I can’t be there for you all the time Kyle, grow up!”. He started saying to himself, “don’t expect anyone to be there, just figure it out, be responsible and you won’t have to ask for things, you are the oldest, you should be better.” We know now that he was furious with himself for missing and then quickly at me for making him trust this time was special just for him. Of course, it is special just for him, and his session became the best one of the week, all because of his sensitivity and trust in me that I would somehow pick up he was ‘not okay’ and carve out time somehow. He was emotionally invested in not needing session and yet something was trying to communicate he did but it was a child Shadow Part that doesn’t know how to say and agreed to never talk.

Anything that threatens the way you present yourself to the world (that is, brings your shadow self into the light) will be seen as a threat to your identity — and ultimately, your safety.?What makes up your shadow depends on what you subconsciously reject within yourself. We usually hear this come up as negative self-talk. Often, these rejected parts of us are the result of childhood experiences, like it was for Kyle. ??

Your Inner Shadow Has An Effect on You Because You Ignore or Reject It?

This part of yourself craves to be understood and explored. This is because it was ignored and possibly shamed throughout your life. Even if it was not something associated with a traumatic event or time, we don’t feel mentally and emotionally at our best when our shadow is not integrated into ourselves, which is to say — when the shadow and self are divided, so are we inside.??

Your Shadow Ignored ?

When you ignore it, your shadow will find ways to make you aware that it exists. This can lead to issues like:?

• Self-loathing or poor self-esteem?
• Self-deceit and deceiving others?
• Anxiety and depression?
• Offensive behavior toward others?
• Struggling to have healthy relationships with others?
• Self-sabotage?
• Self-absorption?
• An inflated ego?

The rejection of your Shadow can also lead us to start projecting onto others, for example “no one really cares”. Projection happens when you see things in others that you subconsciously recognize within yourself. When “no one really cares” and we act to cut off and ignore others, for example, we come off uncaring, it can further then lead to “they don’t understand me, screw them”. In this example, the Shadow makes you uncomfortable, it does that. As a result, you can seek to judge or punish others who reflect those traits or even see them others through a purely subjective lens, they are like that because your story needs them to be to avoid seeing your Shadow. ??

So, What is Shadow Work? What’s the Goal??

It is essentially working with your unconscious mind to uncover the parts of yourself that you repress and hide from yourself. This can include trauma or parts of your personality that you subconsciously consider unwelcome or unappealing. While I give you steps to do some Shadow Work on your own, it is worth considering seeking out a licensed therapist for treatment, especially if you struggle with severe trauma.?

The goal of Shadow Work isn’t to eliminate flaws, your Shadow?a blemish or mistake but a natural part of who you are. Shadow work is, at heart, about developing self-awareness and ultimately, self-acceptance and compassion. Shadow work is often both therapy and more sacred to becoming your authentic self and helping you see the different parts of yourself. For people who have been?expert-level good at dodging their Shadow, it is about acknowledging it and getting curious about exploring the Shadow parts of self.??

For those whose shadow is associated with trauma, this type of work helps you work through trauma to embrace the part of yourself that’s been suppressed or shamed throughout your life.?By accepting your shadow self, you can start to see how your thoughts and emotions influence your behavior. When you’re aware of this, you can take control and empower yourself to live life more deliberately and consciously. ?

Some Benefits of Shadow Work???

• Gain more confidence and self-esteem because you show up as the full version of yourself and have less hidden self-doubt about hidden things you dislike. Most of the time they have value even if they are weaknesses because we can respond constructively to address them and stop blocking our way and our goals.?
• Improve your creativity when you can fully tap into all the unique expressions it hides.?
• Build better relationships because you move towards accepting, and even loving, yourself and that leads to the same outward towards others. When you tame your projections, you can see others for who they really are. You no longer see them as projections of the side you dislike. As a result, you can build stronger bonds with them.?
• Ends up being a self-acceptance practice that gets rid of unconscious self-hate. Accepting your Shadow means feeling self-compassion for all parts of you. It won’t come easy or automatically but it is way more of a beginning than ever before.?
• Discover your hidden talents and uncover your inner strengths and resources that you didn’t realize you had before. Some people may fear that their shadow contains too much darkness for them to overcome, however mostly it is dark because it hasn’t been looked at and it just never had an opportunity to thrive before. Shadow work can tempt this side of yourself out of hiding and allow you to step into everything you can really do.?
• Improve your overall wellness when you realize symptoms that come from a repressed side of yourself. Until you’re ready to face that shadow you miss taking control of your wellness journey by starting at the root. Instead of addressing specific wellness issues, like anxiety or unhealthy relationships, shadow work tackles their root causes.?
• Increase your compassion toward others because you’re less likely to be triggered by other people’s personality traits and quirks. In turn, this can help you feel more compassionate toward others. You no longer see the dark side of yourself reflected in others. Instead, you can see them as whole people who likely have their own inner battles to face.?
• Have better clarity on how your thoughts, emotions, and feelings lead you to act the way you do. When you have this information, you can show up with more clarity and authenticity.?

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Don’t Question It, Shadow Work is Right for You!?

Everyone has a shadow, even if you may have heard about it by a different term or concept, such as Childhood Wounds, which we will also discuss. Shadow?doesn’t have to be associated with something traumatic necessarily, and?the more you can integrate your authentic self and Shadow self, the healthier you will feel. Shadow work is crucial for your personal development to help you become the best version of yourself. Not all approaches to shadow work are the same but there is no right or wrong way to do it if you can grasp the concept as it is laid out here. If everything above resonates with you, you can start practicing shadow work. It requires a lot of Inner Work, but it’s possible for you to do it successfully, even on your own. Here’s how to do shadow work, no matter where you are right now. While later you may decide to seek out therapy for more expansion on Shadow Work, you don’t have to, it just can be helpful to have someone else to witness and guide you, spot patterns you might not be aware of and also give you more tools to deal with the triggers you may uncover. ???

1. Practice spotting your inner shadow: To start shadow work, it’s important to spot your inner shadow.?To do this, you can start by spotting habits you may have. Habits can be good, but they can also be bad. What patterns do you tend to replicate repeatedly in your life that you feel are holding you back??You should also pay attention to your triggers to spot your shadow. Triggers remind you of past trauma, which is usually associated with your shadow. Those triggers are messages to help you realize your shadow wants to be seen. Finally, you can spot your shadow by noticing yourself projecting. One way you can do this is by using the mirror technique. This technique can be uncomfortable at first. However, it can allow you to uncover who your shadow self really is. To practice the mirror technique, pay attention to how you think and feel when you interact with others. When negative feelings come up, ask yourself if you may be projecting.?

Here’s an example. ?

Let’s say you’re talking to a family member, and they dominate the conversation, giving a lot of unwanted advice and you’re struggling to put a word in. You may start to judge this in your mind like “this is so one sided, why do I bother”, and?get upset. However, this could also be a projection of the shame you feel. You have trouble speaking up in life in general, it comes from family life, and when you want to speak up and don’t, you realize you haven’t changed very much.??

1. Float back to your childhood: Thinking and exploring parts of your childhood experience in which you may have experienced being bad or being treated as lesser may?present some ideas of ways you still hold these parts down today. What emotions were?you punished for having? For example, many children get told “it’s fine” or to “get over” their anger or sadness. As a result, those emotions get repressed, and we can grow up believing they’re bad and that we’re bad for having them.?

1. Avoid shaming (or being ashamed of) your shadow through affirming meditation: Some people might say that your shadow longs for acceptance. But really, your shadow is you and we all long to feel whole, so it is more that we long to feel integrated, whole, and complete in our lives. Embrace your shadow and have some compassion for yourself. Remember that it’s tough not to feel accepted, including (or especially) by yourself. Practicing inward meditation on something like “I trust in Myself” can soften resistance to looking inward.?

1. Reflect and observe your triggers: Notice the triggers that cause emotional reactions within you. Then, you can meditate on them so that you can step back and observe what’s happening. Observe without being judgmental. When emotions come up, allow yourself to have them.?

1. Keep Note on your Shadow in a Journal: Collect any song lyrics or quotes that speak to your Shadow Parts. Try to let out your light and dark thoughts and don’t censor yourself. Write whatever comes up without overthinking it. At first, what comes up may feel uncomfortable, but it’s important to lean into it if you want your shadow self to feel heard.?

1. Start an inner dialogue: You can learn from your shadow by having an inner conversation with it.?For example, ask your Shadow some questions and wait for an answer; “What do you need when you are resentful?”. Keep an open mind, even if it feels weird. Take note of the answer and make sure that you’re listening without judgment.??

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Here are some Shadow Work prompts to Generate Inner Curiosity:??

• How do you believe people see you? How would they describe you to someone else? How does that make you feel??
• What are the worst traits someone can have, according to you? When did you demonstrate these traits??
• What tends to make you judgmental toward others??
• What memories are you ashamed of??
• Who do you envy, and why??
• Write a letter to the person who’s hurt you the most in your life and tell them everything you’d like to say.?
• What frightens you the most? What are some ways you could safely expose yourself to this fear??
• What emotions typically bring out the worst in you, and why do you think this happens??
• When was the last time you self-sabotaged? How were you feeling at the time? What do you think triggered this behavior??
• Which friendships make you feel safe and secure? Which relationships no longer serve you??
• What’s something you wish that other people understood about you??
• What are some lies you’ve previously told yourself??
• What’s your worst memory from childhood? What is the worst character trait that you have as a result of this memory or other events from your childhood??
• What are your parents’ best character traits? What about their worst??
• What makes you self-conscious???
• What makes you feel unsafe??
• Who do you currently have a grudge against? Why do you think you aren’t letting it go??
• Who’s let you down the most in your life???
• What makes you feel the most valued??
• Describe a trait you see in other people that you wish you had yourself. Why do you not have this trait??
• At what moments in your life have you been the hardest on yourself? Why???
• How do you define failure? How does failing make you feel? Are you afraid of failure? If so, why??
• Are there negative emotions you try to avoid? Why???

Shadow work is a key part of developing introspective skills and self-awareness, which are foundational skills for personal growth. It’s not easy work, though. Shame, frustration, and fear are difficult emotions to navigate alone. They distort our ability to see ourselves accurately and make us less self-compassionate — and self-compassion is key as you work with the shadow self.??

If you’re struggling to practice shadow work on your own, seek support from others, including professional help.?