The Shadow Profiles

Introduction:

It is vital to appreciate the power of either self-labeling or labeling by others. The powerful purpose behind labeling self is to get people to see and respond to you in a certain way. Shadow personas eval themselves at surface and deep levels. At the surface level a person’s everybody behavior provides a window into the deeper and more hidden aspects of the shadow self.

THE PERFECTIONIST

The perfectionist fears failure, is performance-driven, highly stressed, critical and intolerant of others who do not measure up to their standards, irritable and aggressive and appears insensitive to the needs of others. When confronted, perfectionists become defensive, cry or withdraw from company. They are competitive in everything they do and will avoid activities in which they do not expect to excel. They can feel easily threatened when their superior position is in jeopardy through the excellence of a competitor.

They live in the future and the past, missing out on the joys of the present. They have an overwhelming need to be in control and are generally fastidious with their belongings—tidying cushions, straightening paintings. They are systematic and become very annoyed when something is not put back in its right place.

They ‘go by the book’ and tend to pigeonhole people and objects. They do not cope well with change. They find it difficult to relax for fear of missing out on an opportunity for greater success; they are always busy. Their minds are rarely quiet and they have no tolerance of having to wait for anything.

The perfectionist is likely to have been reared in a family where success was prized and love was conditional on success. ‘To be perfect’ becomes the protective driving force to offset rejection. 

Those who present a perfectionist front to the world require considerable support and affirmation to realize that they are perfect in their essence and it is not their actions but their unique presence that makes them worthy of love.

THE CARER:

Carers establish an identity of being there for others. They are thoughtful, constantly on the look- out for the needs of others. They exhaust themselves for others, constantly allowing themselves to be at the beck and call of anybody who requires help. 

They rarely take to the bed when ill, and even when they are unwell they will rise from their sick bed to care for others. They ask nothing for themselves, other than being allowed to be there for others.

‘No’ is a word found in their vocabulary. Their security lies in their caring role. Any attempt by another to refuse their help may result in sulking, withdrawal or ‘martyr’ responses. Cynicism and sarcasm may also be employed to restore their status quo of their caring role. It can be more difficult to take a caring behavior away from somebody addicted to caring than to take a drink away from an alcoholic.

They rarely consider themselves; indeed great neglect of their personal welfare is often evident in their pursuit of the care of others. People who see themselves as carers have huge difficulty in receiving love, kindness, regard, or gifts from others. Subconsciously they protectively feel unworthy to receive anything for themselves.

They subconsciously control relationships through doing everything for those close to them and are in denial of the helplessness they contribute to in others. They feel their worth lies in their caring actions and they do not allow themselves to consider that their worth and values lie within themselves. 

THE TAKER:

The person who develops the ‘taker’ shadow self is the opposite in all ways to the carer. Takers’ needs have to be met by others. They can be over-demanding and aggressive in the expression of their needs. Delayed gratification is not in their behavioral repertoire. They are intolerant and dismissive of those who suggest they meet their own needs.

They can sulk, throw scenes, and even become violent when their needs are not met. Subconsciously they see the fulfillment of their needs by others as evidence of being loved, but sadly this is a bottomless pit as any failure in responsiveness will plunge them into the conviction that they are not loved or wanted. Individuals, who are masters at getting their needs met seldom if ever, consider the needs of others. In ingenious ways, they always manage to steer the attention back to themselves.

They are highly dependent and do not tend to survive the death of the partner or parent who continually looked after them. Indeed, they often die before the person who was their ‘carer’ even though it might have been the latter who became ill first.

Individuals who have clearly taken the ‘taker’ persona have locked inside of themselves the drive to love and to be kind to others. They require much reassurance that in extricating themselves from their compulsion to take, their ‘carers’ will not abandon them and if they do that they can learn to be there for themselves. Support from others who are in a place of freedom to give and receive love helps their freedom flight.

THE REBEL:

Individuals who adopt the ‘rebel’ persona are in a constant state of reaction to people and situations. Rebels are aggressive, critical, explosive, argumentative. They often have very troubled relationships and often go from one relationship to another seeking the ever-elusive security so much wanted.

They are convinced that people want to exploit them and consequently are always suspicious of other people’s motivations. they tend to be competitive in work, games, and social situations. Rebels may consider themselves non-conformist but rarely have any strong and developed views of their own. It is as if all their energy is expended in defending themselves against the enemy out there.

Their leadership style tends to be domineering and aggressive, and cynicism and sarcasm may be finely tuned defensive weapons. They are not good listeners but become very angry when not listened to. They are demanding attention and perceive any falling short in meeting their needs as rejection. 

Their response to perceived neglect can be over-the-top and devastating to the person targeted. In the typical family background of the rebel, the father or mother was hyper-critical and had high expectations of their children and themselves.

Inside the rebel feels lonely, lost, frightened, and scared of rejection. However, the rebel does not show any of these vulnerabilities to others but maintains a ‘brave’ front. Rebels need unconditional acceptance, a recognition of their uniqueness, an acceptance of their difference, and encouragement and support to reveal their inner feelings of hurt, fear and a sense of being unlovable.

THE INTELLECTUAL:

The ‘intellectual’ live in their heads; they are happiest with ideas, thoughts, and philosophy and are highly threatened by feelings. for protective purposes they have cleverly severed their hearts from their heads. they can appear cold and uninvolved. It seems that they do not know how to love anyone, including themselves. any mention of their ‘love’ word will be quickly and critically dismissed. They can be a master of the ‘cutting word’, cynicism and sarcasm.

They tend to be successful in their careers but a disaster when it comes to maintaining relationships, friendships, marriage and family. their connection with their family of origin is unemotional. They do experience an intellectual connection. The intellectual subconsciously learned the danger around emotions and conformity to the high academic expectations. More than likely both parents were addicted to academic success and possibly were not comfortable with emotional expression and receptivity. The emphasis would certainly have been on intellectual prowess.

Intellectuals tend to do very well in school, but could have been the victims of bullying. They could have been taunted by nicknames of ‘professor’ or ‘swot’ or ‘headache’. It is likely they could have had one close friend, a fellow intellectual --but there would be a danger of the friendship being threatened by competitiveness. 

Tragedies do not penetrate their barriers around feelings and this can appear quite shocking to others who allow themselves to feel rage, grief and loss. Considerable patience is needed for those ‘who live in and through their heads’ to help and encourage them to mend the line between their head and heart. 

CONCLUSION: 

These labels are not people, not a way of judging individuals, but amazing manifestations of the difficulties in being real and true. Neither do I want people to feel they are in any way trapped into being a particular way. On the contrary, I believe we change all the time; i may be the ‘carer’ with one person, the ‘charmer’ with another person and the ‘intellectual’ with my colleagues. we are too powerful to be hedged in by any classification. However, it is true to say that we will not let go of their shadow selves that have served us as well until the time and circumstances are right. But most of all, it’s the ability to strike the right balance between our shadow profiles.

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