Sexual shame and why we need to re-frame it

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A common term I hear as a psychosexual therapist is “sexual shame”. However, when I explored the concept of shame in-depth, I realised that sexual shame does not exist (bear with me here).

One of shame’s many manifestations is a global sense of not being OK or acceptable, global being the key word. What this means is that if we experience shame about an aspect of our sexuality, we will experience it as all encompassing, as the shame is about who we are, our identity. Therefore, shame cannot be about one part of ourselves as that is not how we experience shame.

Rather, what we have is sexually induced shame (SIS). Meaning, something about us sexually induces a total sense of wrongness. Pointing out the difference between sexual shame and SIS may seem pedantic, but the point is to understand why problems with sex, or feeling our sexuality is unacceptable, can feel so devastating. ?Issues of sex and sexuality can trigger big shame experiences as we will feel it about our total sense of self.

For the ease of discussion, I’m going to use the example of erection difficulties (ED). If someone has ED and is attempting to have partnered sex, when their erection disappears, or they fail to get one at all, they often describe a feeling of utter devastation. They will also often feel a sensation in their gut and want to hide away, or become very self-critical. This experience is what I call uncontained shame and is the most difficult, acute experience of shame we can have. That person will not be thinking, “this is OK because I am a valuable person and good partner, it is just my erection I’m having a problem with”. Rather, the thoughts will be about how useless and worthless they are. Shame does not allow us to experience nuance or compartmentalise our experiences.

What I often find is that people will go to porn and masturbation, rather than have partnered sex, as a strategy to avoid the feeling of uncontained shame when things go wrong. They also describe going to porn to reassure themselves that they can still get and maintain an erection, and not because they are seeking out a sexual experience.

Often in therapy, I hear people discuss how they are not feeling very confident in work, for example. But they are convinced that if they can sort out their sexual issues, they would feel better about themselves. This is because the shame induced by sex does not stick to one aspect of self and the sense of failure cannot be separated.

So, what is the point of all this? SIS is a big deal. It can feel that our entire sense of self is flawed. It can impact numerous aspects of our lives, not just sex. However, if you have read any of my other blogs on shame, you will know that all aspects of shame are trying to protect us, even SIS. Our shame is attempting to keep us away from being vulnerable and exposed.

?If any of this resonates with you, I’d recommend seeing a trained psychosexual therapist. Most sexual difficulties can be resolved with the appropriate intervention. With the right support, we do not have to continue to experience SIS.

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