Sexual Assault Awareness Month

Sexual assault.

The true crime of this is believing that somehow as the victim/survivor, it was your fault.

Then the dirtiness you feel, the kind that doesn't wash away no matter how much you bathe. Then their is the feeling of shame, that it happened to you and that feeling of wrongness, you don't even feel safety in your own body.

I remember the first time I was sexually assaulted, I was a child I didn't even know what that was. All I knew is that it was wrong and I was so afraid of telling anyone not even my parents.

I learnt to hold the hurt, the pain the kind that you can only feel like this ringing that takes over your senses. I shut down, I didn't talk I got lost in my own world in anime, movies and story books. And it helped for the most part I had a happy childhood but my body knew and it never forgot and it happened again and again till I started to believe that maybe i was doing something wrong.

So I hide behind clothes, masking even my face for I could not be seen then I could not be touched.

Can you imagine the torture, learning to fear your own body hating how you look, judging yourself everyday for poison that you were forced to take.

It is like demons lurking at the corner of your mind always reminding you of what happened.

I named the monsters, yes to me that's who they are for they took something that was mine to give.

I named the names looked in the mirror once more this time with love and knowing that someone else’s action was not my cross to bear and with a healthy does of self worth and self esteem I picked me up and I take a step at a time every day fighting for my space reaching for my voice understanding my needs one day at a time and with that monster or no monster I learnt one lesson;

I am worth loving and protecting and will never deprive myself of this truth ever again.

So this is to all those who are hurting form this violation what happened happened what happens next that still your story to write.

What you are going to do next its your choice you have control over your life your choices. The next chapter is up to you.

Thank you for reading this.