Sex, Leadership & Limiting Beliefs: What men & women fear most during moments that matter (and what you can do about it)

Each year I help hundreds of business school candidates & corporate professionals prepare for a moment that matters: pitching a year’s worth of work to a dragons’ den panel of career deciding stakeholders. The number one killer of performance? Without a doubt, fear.

This article examines why focusing on overcoming your own inner limiting beliefs is the highest value thing you’ll ever do; reveals the common prevailing fear men & women have in high-stakes situations (each gender has its own prevailing neurosis); and will give you tools to transcend your self-imposed negative thought patterns, so you can rise to the level of your potential next time you find yourself in a high-stakes leadership moment, rather than fall to the level of your limiting beliefs.

“It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.” ~ Mark Twain

The most effective and fastest transformations in adult life are not achieved by adding knowledge, but rather by unlearning deeply held beliefs that create self-imposed limitations. Adding knowledge is a marginal gains process, which offers diminishing returns as we age: each new piece of information forms a smaller piece of the total whole. Unlearning faulty perceptions, on the other hand, enables us to become who we could be – because beliefs about self-confidence, self-worth and self-esteem are often the things that stand between us and taking action to fulfil our potential.

Because limiting beliefs are self-imposed, the work of uninstalling them begins with self-awareness. To replace an unconscious incompetency – something we don’t know we don’t know - with a conscious competency – a positive behaviour we have deliberately cultivated - we must first identify it. This sounds simple, but as C G Jung pointed out, the simplest things are always the most difficult. Investigating what we know for sure – our deepest held beliefs – requires curiosity and courage. Curiosity, because until you really want to know, you’re not going to find out. And courage, because finding out that your deepest held beliefs are wrong is not a pleasant experience. However: the pay off is that changing our perception literally changes our reality. Uninstalling thought patterns that no longer serve you is therefore the greatest lever you have to positively transform your experience of the world.

The gremlin inside your head

Take a few moments of reflection right now, and answer this: deep down, what do you fear most when all eyes are on you during a moment that matters? How does speaking in front of powerful people make you feel? And how do you think someone of the opposite gender would answer?

Give these three answers a label before you proceed: it’s an exercise worth doing. If you can understand and overcome the primary fear you are predisposed to project into the minds of others – the negative judgement you are most afraid of experiencing - it will set you free. And if you know the fear that most men and women subconsciously carry with them, you will have insight into their psychological drivers of behaviour – and therefore be better placed to respond with empathy, rather than react sub-optimally.

The number one neurosis of men

One of the most fun discussions I get to facilitate goes like this. I ask my learners: “what do you think men in leadership positions fear most during high-stakes moments?” Often, every female in the class – who tend to be more reserved than their male counterparts up until this point –immediately and accurately give their opinion about what men fear. (Once the discussion has ended, I pose the same question about what females fear to the group, and you guessed it: the accuracy of answers by men about women vary far more in accuracy). Anecdotally, it appears females have an intuitive understanding of the psychological source of male behaviour during stressful situations. Men, correspondingly, do not understand what drives female behaviour (but you knew that already).

What men fear most is this: being perceived as weak .

Consider this. Our society glorifies men who are strong, decisive, & competitive. Men who are feeble; men who dither; and men who lose are, according to the logic of opposites, weak. From an evolutionary, ,biological & practical perspective, this makes sense: weak men are less attractive as a genetic match, and less capable of sharing the difficulties that raising a child creates. However, this evolutionary imperative – to demonstrate strength in order to attain resources, mating rights and social standing – is poor strategy in modern social situations, where consensus, buy in and optimal decision making are the objectives.

The simplest way to ensure others only see strength is to eliminate the possibility of being perceived as weak. Pre-civilisation, this would be a strategy largely based on physical strength and intimidation. However, in the modern world, physical dominance is taboo: it is therefore the ego and the intellect that must prevent dissent. For men with power, this means creating conditions that prevent the vulnerability of the leader being exposed. Why? Because when your primary objective is to be right, people who suggest you might be wrong are assaulting your intellect. And men who act this way identify with their ego above all else - and will do anything to defend it.

Eliminating psychological safety, vulnerability & trust

The result? Over-bearing, domineering & even tyrannical leaders whose aim during discussion is to prevent psychological safety, rather than engender it. This strategy is often successful in achieving its short term aims: it prevents the leader’s weakness from being exposed, ensures his decision is accepted without question or criticism, and eliminates vulnerability. The problem is, when a leader’s overarching objective is to avoid being perceived as weak, consistent behaviours emerge. Their inner insecurity is projected outward, creating an environment unsafe for vulnerability, devoid of psychological safety, and where defending their righteousness is primary – rather than seeking truth collectively. When righteousness replaces psychological safety and vulnerability, trust cannot exist. There is only isolation, orders and oppression. And these ultimately lead to disengagement, resentment and resistance.

I remember the worst manager I ever worked for. His primary concern was whether people were complying with his will – and he used classic strong man tactics to enforce it. During a single afternoon, he made a senior director cry twice, and he had a closed door, do not disturb policy which separated him from the reality of the business. Once, on Christmas Eve, he did venture out - to tell everyone to keep the noise down and get on with their work (it was not a happy place, and I promise the festive cheer was not excessive). He had no qualms lying to get what he wanted, at the cost of his integrity (his response would be ‘I get things done’, no doubt). This man was so terrified of being seen as weak, and so in love with his own intellect, that he created conditions where conformity and obedience was the best – perhaps only - survival strategy. It was the most miserable 18 months of my life.

The other option available to men who want to protect themselves from being perceived as weak, but don’t have the power or inclination to go full tyrant, is to simply become invisible. If you don’t establish connection with others, your trust cannot be betrayed. If you don’t stand for anything, you cannot stand out. And if you choose not to contribute, you cannot speak in error (though your silence often creates far greater long term consequences than the moment of discomfort action demands). The price you pay and the penalty you incur for your silence, compliance and compromised integrity is to close yourself off from advocacy, ideas and opportunity – from life, essentially. The pay off? You get to postpone having the difficult conversation in the present moment (though in return, you sacrifice the future – and give the injustice time to compound and earn interest when you do finally find the courage to face it).

What females fear most during moments that matter

Females are typically less competitive and more co-operative by nature. Feminine energy seeks harmony, rather than victory, and therefore nurtures and integrates weaker members, creating space and support for their gifts to be expressed. Governing by consensus, rather than hierarchy, is the preferred leadership style of the archetypal feminine.

So, if men’s neurosis is an egotistical drive to avoid being perceived as weak, what do women fear most?

According to Brene Brown’s research , the closest thing women have to a universal neurosis is body image. Women are worried their appearance will be negatively judged when persuading, negotiating and advocating. In the boardroom, these limiting belief manifests through the following behaviours:

1.??????Maintaining closed body language to protect and hide the physical body

2.??????Failure to use physical gestures and expressions to maintain a closed, protective posture

3.??????Only showing the head on VCs, to avoid showing the body (and therefore eliminating the chance of the body being judged – but also body language being seen)

4.??????Not speaking up, so the spotlight won’t be turned on them – and their body

5.??????Crippling anxiety about how she is being perceived, which creates fight or flight conditions, which hijacks cognitive and intuitive responses in favour of instinctive reactions, creating excess adrenaline and causing voice tremors, shaking hands, and existential dread - which reinforces the cycle of not-enoughness during moments that matter.

The impact of gender on limiting beliefs

What are the implications of men being fixated on maintaining social status, while women are primary concerned with how their physical appearance is being perceived by others?

Fear of physical judgement can paralyse every aspect of performance. We inhabit our bodies, and without their willing cooperation, we are frozen out on the side-lines, unwilling to be seen, unable to speak, and anxious in action. What’s more, the scrutiny women wish to avoid is presumably largely male in origin. If true, this means that until women dismantle their limiting beliefs around body image, females are doubly disadvantaged in corporate settings: they have to cope with the general anxiety that competitive social hierarchies create, and they live with continual fear of being judged by men as physically inadequate. And because showing up means being physically present in-person or on-camera, the fear of being seen as possessing an insufficient body by the men they work with is ever-present.

What about men? Why do they care so much about being perceived as strong, and do they also have a complex when it comes to the opposite sex?

Evolution rewards the fittest and strongest, and power accrues resources. Although enlightened organisations in modern societies have moved from dominance hierarchies to pyramids of competence, not all males have done their inner work to liberate their consciousness from the zero-sum logic of hierarchical success. As in anything in life, the outcome you get depends on the game you play: those who believe dominance is their best route to success will focus on projecting strength, and consequently seek to avoid vulnerability. On the other hand, those focused on increasing their competence will strive for vulnerability, and welcome the constructive criticism it elicits as a gift that enables growth.

Why do men sometimes treat women with less respect and dignity than other men in the workplace?

Shame. Egotistical men do not like to be rejected. And from an evolutionary perspective, it is women who select – and reject – men. The shame of not being seen as an appropriate mating partner might be the deepest negative emotion men can feel: that would certainly make sense as a driver to ensure the continuation of the species, which is the number one concern of any lifeform. And the simplest way to avoid the shame of rejection is to disrupt the ability of the opposite sex to select. In a position of power, this is easy: diminish the opportunity for input – and disregard constructive criticism. If females are not allowed an opinion, they cannot judge men negatively, and therefore men’s egos are safe from rejection by the feminine, which is what they fear most. Viewed through this prism, the oppression of women in tyrannically patriarchal cultures is an artificial mechanism to disrupt the natural selection processes evolution is founded upon.

The antidote to worrying about weakness: changing the frame

The most effective way of countering the predominant male limiting belief – that vulnerability is a weakness to be avoided – is to reframe. Making moments that matter about something bigger than self – about building others up, hearing their voices in the room, and striving to seek the best solution, rather than the need to have one’s ego personally validated, changes everything. This larger sense of self creates the conditions for a switch from ego-driven objectives, to what South Africans refer to as Ubuntu – the philosophy that we are interconnected, and the more your contribution increases, the more our decision making and its outcomes are strengthened and mutually enhanced. And this mindset – of serving a larger sense of self – is effective in any situation where our sense of ‘I’ makes us fearful. Try it next time you get to give a presentation: reframing your why & your who is the best medicine for worrying about how you will be perceived, and whether you will be harshly judged. After all, if your why is larger than you, and your who is for a cause much wider than your individual self, then it ceases to become about you and your performance. You move from worrying about ‘me’ to mentoring your audience with the message they need to make positive change in their own lives. And that, after all, is what everyone cares about deep down: overcoming their own personal suffering and moving to a steady state of joy.

Overcoming body image issues

When I work with female leaders who harbour negative body image issues (or any limiting belief for that matter), we start by surfacing subconscious limiting beliefs. For those willing to do the work, this process unlocks remarkable transformations over a short space of time. During the course of a single session, I have witnessed females transform their perspective and performance, just by comprehending the lie of their limiting beliefs.

Here are three approaches I use to help the female leaders I work with overcome their negative beliefs about their body, and the negative self-judgment it provokes:

1.??????The first step when making a positive behavioural change is to acknowledge the limiting belief we have, and observe the way their presence shapes our current behaviour. Surfacing and accepting our sub-optimal unconscious thoughts, feelings and behaviours always come first: we can’t change what we don’t know, won’t acknowledge or don’t face.

2.??????Next comes validation. If a thought pattern does not serve you, ?longer serves you go, let it go by asking these simple questions: How do I know this to be true? Who told me so? What is my evidence for believing this? Has anyone ever told you that your body is inadequate during a professional setting? If so, is that an individual you want to advice from and surrender your power to? The answer is invariably no.

3.??????Now we have logical proof that the limiting belief is our own subjective mental construct – and not an objective fact. Now the question becomes: what sacrifice are we making my maintaining this belief and its related behaviours? What is it costing us? Body language is a major component of how we assess and establish trust. Women who choose not to use their body when communicating diminish their capacity to engender trust. Once my clients comprehend that protecting their body image has a negative pay off – creating less connection, and generating less trust – the desire for positive change often outweighs the fear of judgement from a purely logical perspective.

Understand this: most of the time you are doing the judging of yourself, and projecting it outward on to others. But on the rare occasion that you are judged negatively, that minority of judgemental people are not the arbitrators of objective truth. The things that provoke judgement within us when we are at our worst are the best indicators of where our own neuroses remain unresolved. It’s simply not rational – or good strategy - to let the inner ugliness of others impact your behaviour for fear of negative perceived judgement. Why? Those people will judge you anyway – if not for your body, for your voice, your clothes, your ideas, your being. People always find what they’re looking for: we see things as we are, not as they are. People who project ugliness, lack of worth, and negative judgement don’t need a reason: their outer actions are simply a manifestation of their inner beliefs. Once you perceive the truth in this, it’s hard not to feel pity and empathy for the person trapped in their own negative frames and filters, causing them a cycle of self-inflicted suffering.

Doing the work of dismantling limiting beliefs

This work requires the desire to reframe, the courage to be vulnerable, and the capacity for self-awareness. But the alternative is terrifying: giving personal sovereignty away, on the unverified assumption that someone else might react negatively to your appearance.

?Repeat after me: you are not responsible for other people’s opinions, and what’s more, you have no power over their reactions, thoughts or feelings. Worrying about what you can’t control is bad strategy in the game of life. The list of things you have control over is short: the thoughts & feelings you give your energy to; how you choose to act; whether you reflect on & learn from your mistakes, failures & losses; your intentions; and where you choose to put your attention. And when it comes to leadership and life, you only get to make one decision: the mindset you adopt to meet life. Do you choose to meet it with courage, vulnerability and kindness, or see anxiety, put on armour, and spend life sat on the side lines for fear of what others might think?

Self-awareness is the key

Here’s the only secret you need to know during moments that matter: all the power you need is right within yourself. .And if you learn to access, integrate and harness that power, you become capable of way more than you ever imagined. But that requires you to undo the limits you impose on you. No one can do this work for you. It requires the ability to endure admitting much of what you know about you is wrong - and dismantling your carefully curated and protected beliefs about how the world works is painful. After all, they might be wrong, but they are your beliefs, and in a very real sense, your beliefs define you. But the pay off, to borrow Buddhist terminology, is Moksha: liberation from the prison of your own self-imposed limitations. It is the most challenging, fulfilling and rewarding work you’ll ever undertake.

All that’s left for you to ask is: might this be true?

How could you find out? And what’s stopping you from starting – right now?