Sex & Ladders

The game

Sex & Ladders is more than a title intended to grab your attention. It’s a nostalgic and fitting analogue of the dynamic and complex journey through the world of business which can feel like a “battle of the sexes” - or at a minimum be a very different experience for any individuals who do not identify as men.?

When I think about the game Chutes and Ladders that many of us played as kids, I’m not sure if we ever contemplated it as a high-minded construct of virtues and vices as much as we viewed it as a game of chance? I’ve been thinking about this game, and how it feels like an accurate representation of what it’s like to be a woman in business, facing obstacles and opportunities along the way, with unequal odds when playing alongside men. This is not a game of chance. For women, the reality is that even when attempting to play the game and reach the top of the board on our own terms and merits, we might make progress only to slide back several spaces when we land on a chute that impacts us only because of our sex or gender. Similarly, sometimes we find ourselves without the same acceleration from the ladders because they are systemically designed for and biased towards men. ???

To make things even more complicated, you can have the same square that functions as a ladder for a man and a chute for a woman. We can call this one the “double bind”…. Sound familiar? This is when certain qualities like being assertive and agentic are appreciated from men but when expressed by women, decrease their likability – which can then hinder the extent to which we are thought of as a good fit for opportunities including promotion. The same play or move ends up potentially hindering or holding back a woman while it propels men forward. ???

We’ll talk more about chute hazards shortly but first let’s talk about the sad fact that women may stop playing the game entirely. We know capable women are present in entry to mid-levels of leadership, they rise up in organizations but then start to fall off and sometimes take themselves out of play. Why does this happen? Why does the pipeline have a leak? In my own experience, I hear organizational leaders assume this is due to the “pressures of home” and the need to balance life roles. This may be true in some cases, but I also think this is the comfortable rationale. A less comfortable truth is that when women arrive “at-the-top”, they are met with the “swagger” and feel it doesn’t fit right and they don’t belong. Most importantly, if they feel like an “other” they begin to adjust their aspirations. Even if the environment on the surface is incredibly welcoming and inclusive, one can’t deny that the culture of business is a culture built by men for men. I ask myself some days – how did I miss that? It’s so obvious, but women might not see the game board with clarity or how the game was socially constructed. Or they choose to minimize gender differences because they prefer to “go along, to get along.” This sounds benign at first, but as a strategy, this fails to bring forward the benefits of diversity. When women work to optimize their contributions to their organization’s success, it is also in the organization’s best interest to benefit from their contributions.?It may also be common that successful “boomer” women expect younger generations to have to tough it out in the same ways they endured. Somehow that seems more fair than to focus on leveling the playing field? In many ways, conscious and unconscious, we continue to perpetuate a dominant style that we now know needs to change to achieve long term high performance and sustained results. A highly performing organizational culture leverages diverse rather than dominant behaviours and ways of thinking.

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The players

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We want greater gender balance especially at the top of our organizations but are we still inherently asking women to change who they are to be there? If we could imagine a world where the glass ceiling has been removed, we still may not see a mass of women executives rushing for the C-suite if they are turned off by the behaviours and culture that seem to accompany it. If we want to move the needle for women in business we must explore business culture and the link to what might be a widening ambition gap between men and women.

Now, I need to take a moment and create some safety for successful white straight men in business. These men have worked hard for their success and it isn’t expected that they need to defend themselves. I do expect, however, that men understand their own identity and what it has afforded them. It is critical that they do so, not because they should be apologetic for having an easier path, but rather because men are our best hope! This is key but often not well understood. Companies typically engage and try to empower underrepresented groups when they want to take action in the diversity, inclusion and equity space, but it is in fact the opposite that is needed. The dominant group needs to lead the charge. Men, in fact, have the most important role to play in this game and their engagement is desperately needed! A real difference can be made for women landing on squares with ladders where men are leading real change and providing sponsorship and allyship.

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In any system, those with the power are in the best position to change it.

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I am fortunate to have worked with several amazing and supportive men throughout my career. A lot of men, however, might be uncomfortable engaging in the gender disparity issue because, well…they feel out of place because they don’t identify as women and may feel charlatan-like if they insert themselves. Despite the potential barrier of men not feeling like this is their issue or one they can engage in, it’s so important that men take the time to understand their place within the dominant group and explore how they can make a difference. And they can make a world of difference. What does this look like? ?First what it doesn’t look like… A few years ago, I sat at a board room table where the importance of women in leadership was discussed. At this point, one of the men at the table said, “Yes, this is an important issue and we just need to find out what women want.” I felt his comment was a form of abdication. What we want (and need) is for men to reflect on “What is our part in this?” and to ask “What can we do?”. ?

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Ultimately, everyone needs to play their game their way and make career choices that are best for their own situation, but we have a problem if capable women are taking themselves out of the game because they are tired – not from the work, but from the struggle to belong. So, the good news is that men can and will make a significant difference in advancing women in business. The bad news is, there is more to it. If women don’t become more aware of how we unintentionally hold ourselves back, we still won’t advance to reach gender parity. In other words, it is possible that if all external barriers were addressed, we could still see disparities.

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Turning the tables

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I’ll pause here and overtly acknowledge the challenges women have with external barriers (I’m worried that if I don’t and you’ve experienced any of them, that you might not read any further!). There are loads of overt offences and microaggressions that women deal with on a routine basis. My own include, but are not limited to being asked to take notes when I’ve been sent in to chair important meetings and being passed over when I take my husband along to work functions (people assume I’m the “plus one”). I could go on… over my career, I’ve worked with many women who have faced sexism, sexual harassment and discrimination – all of which are hardline legal dealbreakers - and also clear chutes on the game board. But what are the chutes that are potentially within our personal control? It is important that women explore and overcome our own internal barriers, a few of which I outline below.

Chute: We perpetuate bias with deference. It is likely common experience that we downsize our aspirations when we feel like we don’t belong. It is also common to downplay our contributions because it provides somewhat of a hedge against taking ridicule or judgement for not belonging or feeling at risk of being dismissed. Women might be perpetuating bias and not even realizing it. If you don’t know what I mean, think of the last time you or a woman you know used upspeak (sometimes also called uptalk). Don’t know what that is? It’s an unhelpful habit of making everything you say sound like a question. Literally, your voice goes up at the end of sentences. Think of this en masse and the message women are sending out with our own behaviour. It gets worse. We might ask permission to speak “can I just say…” or we might discount what we say, “this might be stupid but…”and we might always sit on the edge or end of the table away from the real action and taking up as little space as possible. Again, think of what message we’re reinforcing. Say what you mean, be in a good position when you say it and don’t question what you say.

Chute: We inadvertently contribute to the gap. Women may be unaware that we often behave differently from men when applying for jobs or speaking to our accomplishments – at least I was! For example, women may understate our abilities or feel we need to be “more than qualified” before we are comfortable taking on a challenge or new role. If women are self-selecting out of opportunities based on our own and more rigid self-assessment and men are throwing their hat in the ring more often, again, we need to think about the impact not only for individual women but how this impedes our progress in moving the needle for all women. As the saying goes, we miss all the shots we don’t take! We need to ensure we are making career choices based on a realistic assessment of the qualifications along with the knowledge that someone beside us is likely going to go for it even if they aren’t perfectly qualified. ???

Chute: We chase the do-it-all and super mom myths. For a lot of working women, especially those with children, “having it all” is the myth we misguidedly strive for. Attempting to be 100 percent in two worlds leaves us feeling like we’re failing in both and we exhaust ourselves in the pursuit. There’s a growing realization that our quest was always flawed and that we were doomed from the outset. I have reached a point where I have accepted that it is okay to love my family and my job. I’ve also accepted that there will be tradeoffs in both worlds on any given day and that it’s possible to engage those you love in helping manage those tradeoffs. Having said this, the balance between work and family is a highly personal and individual choice. Every woman, and parent for that matter, should define success on the game-board on their own terms, just make sure you are engaging those most important to you in your decisions which helps ensure you aren’t making assumptions or holding on to unattainable myths!

Playing to win

It’s a fact that in organizations with a male dominated culture, women are the outsiders to the collective experience, beliefs and ways of life of the dominant group. [i]Being part of the minority has less inherent privilege and can be challenging.? The chutes and ladders apply to us differently. There are gender differences – and women aren’t truly bringing our game if our strategy is to “go-along-to-get-along”. It’s not only okay, but highly valuable to be different.

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So, what can women do to play the game better? Whether or not the Sex & Ladders analogy resonated or was lost on you, below you’ll find my top five actions women can take to increase the chances of dodging chutes and leveraging ladders.

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1.????? If you don’t already have someone acting as a sponsor for you in your organization – find one! When I join an organization, one of the first things I ask for (right after finding out “Where’s the coffee?”) is who would be good to approach as my senior sponsor in the organization. Then I take the lead on engaging to build a relationship where I can seek guidance and support.

2.????? Avoid signaling deference with language and behaviours. Think about what your habits are, make an effort to adjust them and engage a colleague as a coach. Ask them to watch for your adjustments and to provide feedback on how effective and consistent you’re being. I might agree to take notes if asked, but not without the commitment from the group about starting a rotation.

3.????? Assess your own career management barriers. Ensure you raise your hand for informal opportunities and apply for formal job opportunities that interest you even if you don’t meet or exceed every single listed qualification. A good friend and colleague helped me “get over” this hurdle by asking me “if not you, then who?” and then he added… “it’s on you if someone not as capable as you ends up in the role.”

4.????? Be 100% in one world at a time and toggle between them as needed. In addition to involving the ones you love in how to effectively manage tradeoffs, make sure you are sufficiently lining up resources to accomplish tasks and achieve results (both at home and at work). Women are sometimes known to tackle it all ourselves and this is not a good thing! Learn how to delegate and trust in others, allowing you to become more strategic in focus.

5.????? Lastly, and mostly for good measure, remember to offer yourself the same care and attention you freely give to others.

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Just for men – you didn’t think I’d forget about you, did you? If you are inspired to take action, and we hope you are, here are three key actions to change the game:

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1.??? Privately explore what your own identity is and what it has afforded you - or not (you can look into tools such as Sylvia Duckworth's Wheel of Power/Privilege). Building awareness of privilege can be awkward and uncomfortable. We don’t have control over the privilege we have, but we can control our understanding of the differences in experience varying degrees of privilege and power afford.

2.??? Engage in women’s issues – even if you feel out of place. It is incumbent upon the members of the dominant group to make space and opportunity for others – it won’t just naturally happen, and the real work cannot be solely delegated to the underrepresented groups. A comfortable place to start is to focus on helping on family issues. Many women’s issues are also family issues and these also affect men e.g. how many men are teased and pressured when they choose to take paternity leave or need greater flexibility to address childcare issues? ?

3.??? You can start small. Pick one colleague who identifies as a woman. Seek to fully understand her experience, assuring her you are listening with the intend to understand and also with the commitment to act and support. I hope you can imagine the long-term ripple effects of your actions if you help just one amazing woman rise!

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[i] A lens of intersectionality is critical for understanding the complexity and particularity of inequalities in the lives of those who don’t identify as men. Gendered inequalities intersect?with other aspects, resulting in unique experiences and perspectives.