Seventeen Years Strong: A Birthday Reflection on Rising Above

Today, this newsletter falls on my birthday, a date that carries with it a significant weight of change, courage and determined resilience —marking 17 years since the day my life, health, and strength were irrevocably altered.

I met my husband when I was just 17 years old, a young girl still navigating high school. He was a few years older and had already graduated. To me, he seemed like a savior from the chaos of my family life. Our relationship was tumultuous, marked by periods of being together and apart. During our separations, I struggled through high school, living independently without any elder to turn to for guidance. Only by the grace of God did I manage to graduate, learning to survive the challenges life threw at me early on.

I returned to him more than once, convinced that if I tried hard enough, I could make our relationship work. Little did I know, this relationship was fraught with the cycle of abuse, filled with highs and lows. I shouldered the responsibility of maintaining the household, raising our children, and managing family affairs, all while working part-time. Although he worked full-time and provided for us financially, his weekends were consumed by partying.

Over time, I began to see the truth of my situation. I was married to a man whose alcoholism ruled his life, a reality he had no interest in changing. On my 45th birthday, after celebrating with friends at a nice establishment, the mask finally slipped. As we left, he made cruel, sarcastic, hurtful remarks to me that shattered all the joy and love I received celebrating my birthday with friends. Outside, in this cold wintery night, he violently shoved me into a brick wall, resulting in a severe concussion and a back injury that would affect my life forever. In this one instant, everything changed.

?At this point in my life, I knew very little of domestic abuse or violence. Being raised in a difunctional family environment, I wasn't taught to recognize what was right or wrong in a marriage. I didn't know what red or green flags were in a relationship, nor what treatment to expect or reject from my partner. For 27 years, I adapted, whispering hope into the heart of our relationship, single handily trying to mend what felt broken in our marriage. Yet, on that night, I realized it was his alcoholism and temper, not my resilience, that governed our reality. I was caught off guard, because although he woukd rage in anger he hadn’t hurt me in 25 years. I now faced the devastating truth of becoming the physical target of his uncontrollable rage. That one act, that one moment in time, shattered our family and transformed my life forever.

At the time of my injury, I knew little about domestic violence or that emotional abuse was a thing; I was unaware of the warning signs and believed wholeheartedly in self-blame and shame convinced I could fix what was inherently broken. But that night, it became painfully clear that no amount of personal sacrifice could alter his nature or curb the anger he directed toward me.

?In my memoir, I delve deeply into the details of that night and the tumultuous days and weeks that followed. To keep this newsletter concise, let me share a pivotal moment: three days after the incident, I managed to sneak out of the house with my older son driving me to the doctor. It was at that visit where the true severity of my injuries became evident. The doctor, recognizing the urgency, directed me to a domestic violence shelter and insisted that I needed to leave the marriage immediately.

?Meeting with my case advocate, I was filled with fear and reluctance, but I understood the necessity of obtaining an order of protection against my husband. For safety, my younger son and I went into hiding, carefully concealing my car to avoid detection. I intimately know the fear and the darkness that envelops your life when it is upended so violently. I know the sting of abandonment when those around you turn their backs and act as if you are invisible. Afraid of the unpredictability of domestic violence touching their own lives, they choose to turn away. The isolation and loneliness are profound. I lost many whom I considered friends, and even a supportive group of women from my church. My own family turned their backs, opting not to choose sides, afraid to hurt “his” feelings but not stepping forward to support mine. How many tears I shed, wondering if I would make it through – They all abandoned me in my greatest time of need.

The journey to find myself again and to seek meaning in life while physically healing, was daunting. Surprisingly, just three months after seeking guidance from a domestic violence shelter, I was hired as an advocate to help others trapped in the same cycles I once was. Why me, so soon? I never questioned it. From the start, I sensed within me a strength and resilience, propelling me to rise above the negativity and become the person I needed to be. It was far from an easy transition. I was navigating through the darkest chapter of my life—raising two children, managing a household, and attending physical therapy twice a week for the injury inflicted on that fateful birthday, while working full time.

?Three months after seeking help at the shelter I was hired full time to work as a domestic violence advocate. My ability to relate and have compassion for others landed me the position. I was given an opportunity to share my strength and hope born from despair to empower and guide others in similar situations. Transitioning was not easy—it required navigating emotional and physical trials as I raised my children, maintained stability at home, and go to physical therapy for the injuries bestowed upon me on my birthday.

Seventeen years have passed since that pivotal moment in my life, and the transformation I've undergone is beyond anything I could have imagined. I've poured my experiences into a book titled "Rising Beyond Abuse: Love Shouldn't Hurt." It tells the honest story of my journey from the shadows of childhood emotional neglect and sexual assault, through events that eroded my self-esteem and fueled my codependency. I carried a deep emptiness, a profound yearning to be loved, which too often came at a great personal cost.

?Despite the darkness of those times, these trials laid the foundation for a remarkable transformation. Today, I stand as an advocate and coach, helping other survivors of abuse discover their strength and find the courage to change their own lives.

Reflecting on my past—the struggles of my youth, the challenges within my marriage, and the incredible distance I've traveled—I now celebrate a life filled with peace, joy, and unwavering hope that dreams can and do come true. I've made the hard but necessary decision to distance myself from anyone who doesn't uplift me or my highest good. Through therapy, extensive research, and writing, I have labored diligently to heal and to create resources that empower others on their path to freedom.

I am thrilled to announce the upcoming release of my workbook, "Breaking the Chains of Self-Denial," on Amazon, along with my memoir. These works detail my journey from childhood hardships through some of the darkest periods of my life, and the unwavering determination that propelled me forward as a single parent. Therapy has been indispensable in helping me rediscover my true self and comprehend the reasons behind my prolonged endurance of abuse. Embracing my authentic self-unleashed the power of my voice, enabling me to support others and communicate the potential for a transformative journey to freedom from domestic violence.

?My story is a testament to resilience, the courage to overcome adversity, and the determination to reclaim one's life. It offers guidance and hope to those who seek their own path to liberation.

Sharing my story is not just about my past, but about offering hope and support to those who find themselves trapped in similar cycles of abuse. If you're enduring or recovering from such an experience, I urge you to reach out. My promise is that you aren’t alone. Together, we can dismantle the bonds of abuse, creating lives marked by freedom, autonomy, and the ability to pursue dreams and aspirations with confidence.