Seven Strategies For High Conflict Divorce

Let’s face it, divorce of any kind is emotional. High-conflict divorce can be downright destructive and traumatizing, especially when emotions are not kept in check. Couples are often unable to detangle themselves from the patterns and behaviors that got them to our offices in the first place. 

With effective counsel, high-conflict divorce is manageable and in many cases can be an opportunity for parties to learn how to deal with each other in a more effective manner - for the benefit of everyone involved, especially their children. 

Here, we share key strategies for high-conflict divorces, many of which you can take with you into any high-conflict situation fraught with intense emotions. The overarching theme is to “play the long-game.” We are going to explain what that means and how to get it done.

Tip #1: Stop the chain of reactions.

One of the most difficult skills to develop while embroiled in a high conflict divorce is to stop reacting to provocation from your spouse. This is especially true for anyone having to deal with a spouse who is exhibiting traits of a personality disorder such as narcissism or paranoia. 

How do we stop reacting? It is a process. We first need to identify when we are being provoked or triggered BEFORE we react. Often this process starts with acknowledging a reaction after it has occurred, and instead of blaming the provocateur, we take ownership of the reaction. Wash, rinse, repeat.

Once we can accept that we own our reactions and that even the worst provocation is not an excuse, we then start to take control back. The way we prevent outbursts is to identify the emotions and physical responses that occur in our minds and bodies when we are provoked. What does anger FEEL like? Where in our bodies does it occur? Once we become familiar with those responses we can notice them in real time as we are being provoked, and back off. 

All you need to do next is say, “I need time to think about this” or “I’m not prepared to respond to you right now.” This does two things. First, it will usually set the other person back on their heels. They’re not used to not getting an explosive reaction from you and this will be unsettling for them (kinda satisfying, no?). Second, this gives you time to process and think about a smart response. One that will serve you in the short term as it relates to the issue at hand, and that will start to break new ground in the way you communicate and problem-solve with the other person.

Tip #2: Do not retaliate, especially in custody situations.

What can be most frustrating, especially for parents in high-conflict custody battles, is tolerating the other parent’s bad behavior when it comes to caring for the children. Parents are often stunned to discover the amount of nonsense they have to tolerate from the other parent while the divorce is ongoing. This is where playing the long-game is critical. 

Note! We are not talking about emergency situations or other circumstances where the children’s well being is at risk by the actions or neglect of a parent. We are talking about situations in which the children are getting caught in the crosshairs between their parent’s uncontrollable fighting and conflict. 

The courts want to see which parent, over time, is able to care best for the children AND foster a relationship between the children and the other parent - even when the other parent makes mistakes, and even when those mistakes appear intentional. Again, barring behavior that puts the children’s well being at imminent risk, the courts are generally more interested in seeing the steps you took to try and resolve issues privately, before asking the court to step in and make a decision for you. You will get your moment to introduce all of the evidence at trial, should your matter not get resolved beforehand. 

This can feel like one of the most counterintuitive things to tolerate as a parent trying to protect your children. This is why we have our clients send all draft emails to us first (point 6, below). Learning to consistently take the high-road and not get provoked, while everything gets documented in writing (point 3) should bode very well for a parent in a final custody determination.

Tip #3: Everything in writing.

If it’s not obvious yet, all methods of communication in a high-conflict divorce must be in writing - email or text. At minimum, you each want to have a record of what you’ve said, so that minor issues (like a late drop off, for example) can be communicated clearly and misunderstandings can be avoided. If misunderstandings cannot be avoided, and children are involved, the courts suggest that parties use smartphone applications like OurFamilyWizard as a tool to better govern communications.

Tip #4: Keep a diary.

Especially in high-conflict divorces that involve any form of physical, emotional, financial, substance or other form of abuse, keep a daily diary with contemporaneous notes of anything relevant that happened that day. And if nothing relevant happened, make a note of that too. Make it a habit, because those contemporaneous notes will be very helpful for your lawyer to organize arguments in your favor and to support the strategic positions you will need to take.

Tip #5: Hire a lawyer you trust, not just one that is aggressive.

Finding the right lawyer for your divorce is critical. The right lawyer for you is a personal choice and is likely not going to be the same attorney who represented your friend or neighbor. In high-conflict divorces, many parties rush to find the most aggressive lawyer they can afford. This can be an ill-fitting combination if, as in virtually all family law matters, the issues are nuanced and the lives of innocent bystanders are in the balance (your children, for example).  

The right lawyer for you is someone who can identify not only the critical legal issues and arguments, but who can also understand potential imbalances of power, regulate opportunities to de-escalate situations or apply the necessary pressure. You also want someone who will take the time needed to explain to you the nuances of the divorce process so that you are working in tandem as a team.

Tip #6: Let your attorney take the wheel.

One of the biggest challenges in a high-conflict divorce is as you may guess...avoiding conflict. There are triggers everywhere, and it can often feel like you will sooner want to peel the skin off your face and feed it to tigers while watching before you get back on the phone with that [insert your preferred profanity]. But, perhaps you have children together and so you have to learn to bite your tongue instead. 

It’s too emotional, too infuriating, too painful, too much. And no matter how hard you try, even the smallest exchanges with your ex are impossible. That’s when you let your attorney take the wheel. In high-conflict situations, we often have clients draft every email and send it to us for review before they send it to their spouse. We do this starting at the outset so that we can protect our clients, work toward rehabilitating the lines of communication and help to take the temperature down on the situation. In cases of serious abuse, your attorney should be doing a majority, if not all of the talking for you, until we can rebuild your strength for you to begin doing so again yourself.

Tip #7: Play the long-game.

The overarching theme of all of these tips is that you have to keep a long-term perspective in mind. Playing the long-game will be about trying to keep your emotions in check and working to focus on the most pressing matters.  It also means that, in the short-term, you may have to get uncomfortable. Know, however, that playing the long-game is a strategy, and that discomfort is temporary. 

When we recognize that we are in a high-conflict situation, we have to be very clear on goals and know that this could be a long process. Trust the attorney you hire, keep everything in writing and don’t retaliate. Be the ideal parent for your children and focus on that as your end goal. We work intensively with clients on using this very mindset as it is crucial in high-conflict scenarios.

If you’d like to discuss your situation, email us to schedule a consultation with a member of our team: [email protected].