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Setting the Tone in Your Feedback

The Pathwayz Group

Creating Pathwayz to Develop Leaders for the Future

发布日期: 2024年10月1日

We've all heard it - "It's not what you said but how you said it." I didn't expect my tone to unintentionally blindside a team member in a termination conversation.

I'd had several tough conversations with a team member about their unacceptable performance. I had clarified where they had missed the mark, why it was undesired, and the impact of their missing expectations ....and I'd had several of these conversations with the individual consistently over a period of time. I reviewed the notes and summaries of our previous conversations. I believed that I had been given ample time, accommodations, and opportunities to improve, but I didn't see any improvement, and it was impacting the other team members significantly. I took a deep breath and began the formality of a termination conversation.

The person was in shock, and I was in shock that they were in shock. Had they not realized the many conversations beforehand had led up to this? I looked back and saw that I had documented the consequences and timelines leading up to this conversation. I thought I had been explicitly clear.

Then the person said something to me I'll never forget. They said, "Amber, in all of these conversations, you had a smiling, pleasant presence that didn't indicate the weight of our conversation. The light nature of the discussions didn't indicate this seriousness. I had no idea." I felt a rock in my stomach. I am a naturally smiley person - I love my job and the people I work with, but I had unintentionally set the wrong tone in a serious conversation and, as a result, blindsided this person. So, how can you set the tone in your feedback?

Watch your facial expressions. This doesn't mean that you have to scowl and frown; it means matching the tone of your face with the tone of the conversation. If this is the first time you've done this, you might practice it in the mirror. A common anxious tick for people in challenging situations is laughing or smiling nervously; this can be misinterpreted and cause many problems in your feedback effectiveness. Set the appropriate tone on your face.

In addition, be mindful of your tone of voice. Again, if you've not done this before, you might practice saying the words out loud to hear and adjust the tone. Now, this can go both ways in seriousness. If something is a casual heads-up conversation that is more light, show a lighter tone. You don't want to ignite fear in a light conversation by overextending and making every feedback conversation seem like a serious termination discussion. Assess the situation and set the desired tone in your voice.

You can also audibly clarify the tone. This might sound like this, "I know this is a new project for you, and I'd like to give you some feedback to help you navigate this new landscape." or "We've had a couple of conversations about skipping the final checklist beforehand, and I'm getting concerned that this is a pattern of behavior." In addition to the tone in your face and voice, you can audibly clarify the tone of the meeting.

Here's what I want you to do: assess the weight of the conversation. What tone do you want to portray in the discussion? How can you appropriately set that tone in your face, voice, and words?