Setting the Intention for the Holidays

It happens every year. We look forward to the holidays with great anticipation. We can’t wait to connect with family, make good memories, and relax with a glass of our favorite beverage by the Christmas tree or in the glow of the menorah.

Yet the reality never matches the mental picture. Think about it, really. Are your expectations ever fully met? Often, despite our Hallmark hopes, we end up overscheduled, over pressured, and overwhelmed by the weight of too many expectations (especially our own). Once it’s all over, we head into the new year feeling exhausted and resentful. This is a problem—for a couple of reasons.

One, this truly?is?precious time. The clock is ticking. Our kids are getting older, our parents are getting older,?we?are getting older. With every passing year, it gets more complicated for everyone to be together. We want to hold that space safe and sacred so that everyone’s spirits are fed.?When it doesn’t happen this way, we feel dejected, like we’ve “failed” the holidays.

Two, this is an important time to nourish our soul and refill our own cup. Life is busy and stressful, and most of us have few chances to stop and take a breath. If we head back to work exhausted, we’ve missed an important opportunity to recharge.

Why does this happen? I believe the same hurdles that hold us back at work also creep into our personal lives. (My new book?In Her Own Voice?is built around these challenges.) One hurdle is Clarity. We don’t take the time to get clear on what it is we really want from the holidays. The other barrier is Proving Your Value. We believe if things are going to get done “right,” we need to do it all ourselves, and do it perfectly. (At Linkage, we call this “over-rowing the boat”…and all it does is burn us out.)

The solution is to get intentional, right now, about the kind of holiday you want to have this year. Before we talk about how, I want to share a bit about my Thanksgiving. The day was simple—and that’s what made it great. The kids were home. Rather than a huge spread, we had just a few items: turkey, rice, green beans, sweet potato casserole, and two pies. Everyone was responsible for one dish. Everyone was laid back and happy.

I’d like to say I planned this day mindfully, well in advance, but the truth is it was born from a place of desperation. I was coming off an incredibly busy book launch and woke up sick on Thanksgiving. I was exhausted. That morning I let go of all expectations. I called a family meeting and asked, “What do you want from this day? What is the one thing that’s most important to you?”

Everyone was happy to share their answers. No one wanted to spend the entire day in the kitchen. My husband Chip wanted to watch a football game. My son and daughter wanted to watch a family movie. I wanted to sit by the firepit outside and do a wine tasting. (We were fortunate to have lovely weather.) And so, we did all that we wanted and nothing we didn’t. It was a beautiful, joyful day.

So now, let’s talk about the upcoming season. What can we do to ensure the holidays are a pleasure? Here, based on what I learned from my wonderful Thanksgiving, are a few tips:

Set up a family group text to set your collective intention…Ask everyone, What do we want the meal to look like? What do we want the day to look like??What about the season in general? I like doing it via text as it gives everyone a chance to think and give input when it’s convenient for them. Plus, you have a record of responses. On Thanksgiving, I did this the morning of (minus the meal question), due to circumstances, but better to do it in advance so everyone has time to think. I’ve already done mine for the upcoming holiday. If you haven’t you still have a few weeks.

…But also set individual intentions.?Ask everyone to get clear on exactly what they want from the holiday. What really matters to each person? What doesn’t matter???

Don’t hang on to traditions that no longer serve you.?At Thanksgiving, I used to do homemade pies because I enjoyed making them with my son. This year we ordered pies, because I knew I wouldn’t have time to make it fun, and my now-teenage son didn’t seem that into it this year, anyway. For the holidays ask yourself, “Do I have to have the whole house decorated, with the entire family participating in the tree selection and decorations, which we typically do over Thanksgiving weekend? Or would I be happy decorating slowly over a few weeks by myself, with some holiday music and whoever wants to help out on any given day? Wine? Do I have to get all the greeting cards out in advance? Or should I send them after the holidays (or not at all)?”?

Ask everyone to contribute.?This is my one rule. I told my kids, “I don’t care what the meal is. What are you going to share with the family?” As women we tend to take on too much. Unless you truly enjoy doing it all by yourself, you’ll feel resentful if someone seems ungrateful or doesn’t act the way you think they should.??

Build in a little time do something that brings you joy.?Since I simplified my Thanksgiving so much, it gave me the time to set a beautiful table. It wasn’t even a fancy table, but I was very intentional about the napkins, china, and crystal, with a flower-filled centerpiece. It took me an hour and I loved it.

Most important, release your?expectations. Once you’ve let go of the need to control everything, you won’t be resentful. If your child doesn’t show up with the sweet potatoes, oh well. That’s his commitment he didn’t meet, not yours. You can let it go and just enjoy the day. ?

Please don’t let the holiday season happen by default! It’s too valuable and important. In fact, you might think of it as a practice run for re-shaping your career or your marriage or your role in the community. When we get clear and intentional about what we really want, and stop doing all the things we don’t, life unfolds in amazing and joyful ways.

Happy Holidays to you all!