Setting Boundaries- A No-Nonsense Guide- Part 1

Disclaimer- The article below is just author's reflection and not intended as material for self-help. If you are in distress or need to discuss further regarding this topic, please refer to the links in the comments.

The other day when my daughter complained that she needed more snacks in her tiffin box because either her mates were finishing it off or she was only doing bottom feeding, my mind rushed to conclude that it was a case of bullying. But a little more probing uncovered that she was giving away her munchies?voluntarily and not under duress. And then it dawned on me that this was more a scenario of her not setting proper boundaries. But she retorted that it was I who taught her that 'sharing is caring'. It took me some time to convince her that saying 'NO' is not a bad thing after all and there are many ways to say it without losing your ground. Even after the snack face-off was avoided, my mind remained unsettled when I correlated that even with my clients the crux of the challenges they face is somehow related to not setting proper boundaries and also pondered- why are we not teaching our kids to set boundaries, why do we not do a good job at it even after we grow up, and what else can we do other than saying the 'N' word.?

Boundaries are all around us and they are sewn into the very fabric of our being - individual, familial or social. Be it the lakshman rekha in our mythology or the firewall in our metaverse, the most basic function of a boundary is to protect, preserve or separate. Other than the ubiquitous boundaries that separate physical spaces, like walls and fences, there are other boundaries which seldom seem like it in the first glance. For e.g., when we say work-life balance, we are suggesting a boundary between work and life. The stop-loss that you apply in your day trading,?that separates manageable loss from unbearable ones. Similarly, the police barricade tape that we see across a crime scene?is also a kind of boundary.?A no-smoking zone is also a boundary,?mainly for the people, but not so much for the smoke. Let's look at some more such examples in context of the type of boundaries they are!

1. Boundary of Space - This is the most common type of boundary that we associate with. Here we ring fence an area of space for exclusive use of an individual or group of individuals. The car parking space in your apartment complex to the international boundaries of countries are examples of boundaries of space. And it's not that we humans are only wired to create spaces for exclusive use but even animals do the same, for e.g., your pet dog pissing on every other pole or car is trying to mark its boundary.?

2. Boundary of Time - Just like space, time is also another element that is available in limited quantity. So we try to set boundaries around it. The deadline of the project you work on is a kind of time boundary, which separates the unfinished nature of your work from the finished work. You use an alarm clock to tell you about the boundary between the time you want to take rest and the rest of the day. Or if you are trying to restrict screen time for your kids you are setting up a boundary of time.

Often the boundary of space and the boundary of time can exist in tandem. For example, when you watch a movie in a theatre then that seat in the auditorium, which is the space, and the duration of the movie, which is the time, is the boundary between you and the other patrons,?for the same screening time or a different one. Similarly, when the light turns green or red at a traffic signal, it acts as the boundary between who can use that portion of the road at that given time and who needs to?stop and give way.

3. Boundary of Matter - When we buy a thing what we essentially do is to take it for our exclusive use. We create a boundary around that thing which tells others that this thing is not available for their use anymore. Sometimes we are flexible with our boundaries such that we share things with others, say a book, but we continue to have the power to assert the boundary back by asking the book to be returned. In cases where someone takes something from you without your permission (steal), or maybe does it forcefully (rob), they are essentially breaching this boundary that you had setup around that particular thing when you bought it. In this case, Money can be considered as a super-matter, as all other matters directly or indirectly come into existence because of money.?People are very?sensitive to money related?boundaries and so are banks, if you have taken a loan from them.?

4. Boundary of Emotions -?We recognize this more by its popular version - 'emotional boundary' and has come to become the cornerstone of our emotional?well being. This boundary helps you to manage and distinguish healthy emotions from unhealthy ones and also individuals and relationships which manifest healthy or unhealthy emotions on to you. The challenge with this boundary is two fold; first is that this boundary is invisible, as compared to the other boundaries above, and therefore is the most abused and transgressed one. Secondly, we seldom define our own emotional boundary clearly?to others, expecting others to mind read, and therefore lead others to breach it.??

5. Boundary of Relationship - Relationships are paradoxical, especially when boundaries are concerned, because on one side we have clear definitions for relationships like father, mother, cousins, friends, colleagues etc. but we are not very clear about what boundaries apply to each one of them. I have seen cases where kids behave with their friends the way they should treat their siblings and adults blurring?the boundary between colleagues and partners. Often what we expect from a particular relationship is not what we have named it, for e.g. we want our parents to be our friends. Is it just a mismatch of names or a mismatch of boundaries? Should we define our relationship based on boundaries we set and not the other way round??

6. Boundary of Beliefs - The 17th century philosopher Descartes might as well have said - 'Credo ergo sum' (I believe, therefore I am) instead of 'I think, therefore I am' because more than thinking it's what we believe in that's?keeping us alive. Belief?here is like a word-cloud encompassing everything from opinion, perspective, point of view, stance, conviction to ideology, dogma, principle, ideal and not ending with ethics and faith. Our beliefs are the cornerstone based on?which all our boundaries are set up, so much so that how strong or porous a boundary is decided?by how strong or indifferent our beliefs?are. Therefore it's important that we create strong boundaries around our beliefs before we create any of the other boundaries. For e.g. if you have a strong boundary around the belief that women should be respected then it will not matter what your relationship with her is, whether she turns up as your daughter, mother or wife!

No one type of boundary is superior to the other, but it's the context in which one?takes precedence over the other. In certain special situations it might appear that all our boundaries are getting tested at the same time. One such situation was the COVID pandemic. It?pushed?our 'boundary of space' when it made?us quarantined indoors for months at a stretch. Our 'boundary of time' got blurred as we had more time at hand but nothing much to do. We adjusted our 'boundary of matter', say with our car when all we could do with it was to start and stop. Having our partners and kids arounds us all the time started to nip at our 'emotional boundaries'. The 'relationship boundary' cracked when you kept six feet distance from people, irrespective of who they?were. This finally led us to adjust our 'boundary of belief' and think that all will be like before when it's all over. But did everything get back to normal??

I want to believe that COVID is behind us, with all?the vaccines we took, but not setting proper boundaries in a pandemic that still rages on. So then what is the process through which we can set up?proper boundaries? And also keep adjusting it when required. That is what we will discuss in the next part. Stay tuned!!!