Setting Boundaries: Making Decisions that Make You Happy

Sometimes we say yes when we really mean no. Have you ever found yourself doing this? Often, when we are asked to do something – whether it’s an extra work assignment or a volunteer role or even a personal favor – our first inclination is to respond “sure, no problem.”

If you’re like me, that’s an automatic response, because our default mode is to try and please those around us. However, to be both fully productive and fully satisfied, you need to do what pleases you instead.

Breaking the Habit

A lot of us struggle with the concept of putting ourselves first; I know I do. We’re hard wired to think of ourselves as a 24/7 shop, available to colleagues, family, and friends at all times. That’s a notion that is reinforced to the point that it becomes a habit, just like saying “yes” to something you don’t have the time or energy to take on.

Why do we consistently agree to do more than is good for our health and sanity? The answer is a highly personal and complex cocktail consisting of a number of ingredients. Sure, there’s guilt and obligation, but it also contains a sense of belonging and the personal reward that comes from helping out. There’s likely a healthy measure of curiosity and intellectual stimulation mixed in there too.

Eliminating “Should”

It’s not as easy as it may seem to avoid that word, right? It isn’t healthy to revert back to “should” or “have to.” How often do you find yourself using these weak, obligatory words? Replacing them with words like “want” and “like” moves you into a position of power, freeing you up to make better decisions about your time.

Let’s look at an example. Recently, a client of mine became paralyzed by a personal and professional conflict. She was dealing with a tough family situation that occupied her heart and mind, as well as her time. The timing happened to coincide with a business trip and mini-vacation, but as the departure date approached, she found herself becoming increasingly anxious.

Instead of looking forward to the trip, she felt like she “had to” go, out of a well-intentioned but misguided sense of loyalty to her firm. She ended up going, but had to cut her trip short to return home. Instead of being honest with herself and her company about her priorities, she added undue stress to the situation, ultimately not doing her best work for the people on her team either…

Loyalty to Yourself

It’s time to get rid of the outdated concept of company loyalty. You may be loyal to your colleagues, boss, board, etc., but a company is not a person. If you’re not doing work that you love, you have no obligation to continue doing it, day in and day out. The same holds true outside of work.

If we do something for someone else because it’s expected, that inherently leads to a less than ideal—let alone pleasant—experience. Think about it – we rarely do our best work on projects we don’t like. That in turn can lead to resentment and defection. But when you are fully absorbed and immersed in a challenge you have chosen, you become wildly productive and engaged.

Tips for Setting Boundaries

It’s helpful to have a strategy in place to evaluate and respond to demands on your time. One tactic that works for me is the 30-second pause. Whenever someone asks me to take something on, I allow 30 seconds to reflect on it. By the way, it’s totally fine to tell the other person “I need 30 seconds to think that through.” Over time, you’ll build better internal controls that may speed up your evaluation; however, thinking before you speak reduces the pressure to say “yes” without considering the implications. (A side benefit may be that your words come out more in alignment with your feelings…just like the old “it’s not what you say but how you say it” advice that we give our kids all the time!)

I’ve also implemented a clustering technique to structure my time, which in turn gives me a clearer picture of where a task may fit in, if at all. My first hour of the day is spent on administrative tasks, getting those out of the way so that I can make phone calls and return emails with efficiency. I conduct client sessions and evangelical work requiring intense focus, passion, and energy, in the afternoon, when my calendar and head are clear. At the end of my work day, I put a plan in place for the next day, so I can hit the ground running.

Did You Do What You Love Today?

My goal is to close out my day not only feeling like “I did what I love today,” but also “I’m really looking forward to what’s on my plate tomorrow.” If you don’t feel like that at least some of the time, it’s time to reevaluate. For further reading on the subject, I highly recommend The Happiness Track: How to Apply the Science of Happiness to Accelerate Your Success by Emma Seppala.

Knowing what you would like to do and prioritizing your time to get it done takes self-awareness and quiet reflection. If you need help saying setting boundaries, enlist a trusted advisor to be a sounding board and reinforce your positive decisions. Do yourself a favor and make yourself happy!