Setting boundaries: The best way to care for yourself and others

Compassionate people set boundaries.

This can be a hard pill to swallow because many of us have been led to believe that telling people “no” is unkind.

However, the opposite is true.

The kindest thing you can do for yourself and for those around you is to say "no" when you need to. Doing so makes it clear to friends, family, and colleagues what is and isn’t acceptable.

If we don’t set boundaries, things get messy – fast!

Here’s why:

The importance of setting boundaries in personal and professional relationships

Without boundaries, we’re forced to say yes to everything. Once we get into the habit of this, we overcommit and end up agreeing to things we don’t feel comfortable doing (or just don’t want to do!) regularly.

It goes without saying that this is a very bad thing.

Because if you’re constantly spending time on tasks and activities you really don't want to do, you'll have little to no energy left for the people and things that matter.

Worse still, whilst most won’t go out of their way to exploit you, this approach is a fast track to having people walk all over you. If you're seen as a "people pleaser", you'll be the first person they come to when they want something – no matter how minor or inconsequential and no matter how stressed or busy you are.

To give this idea some context, consider these two points:

1.      When you duck a necessary conflict to take the easy road to make peace, you miss an opportunity to radically transform your relationship for the better.

2.      Similarly, every time you break your boundaries to do something you've said in the past that you wouldn't do, you weaken them in the eyes of others and yourself.

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The end result is that we become resentful. Obviously, this isn't a great place to be if you want to build a happy, healthy work and home life (and, let's face it, who doesn't!).

All of this is fairly straightforward, so it begs the question; if boundaries are vital, why don’t we set them when we know we should?

The answer is simpler than you think…

Why we don’t set boundaries

More often than not, we don’t set boundaries at work and at home because we don’t believe in ourselves.

Perhaps we're not confident in our ability to do a particular aspect of our job role.

Maybe we’re not sure of our ability to handle a potentially difficult conversation with a family member were we to say no.

The problem is, self-doubt inhibits self-love, and we can never be our best selves until we conquer those niggles at the back of our minds.

Of course, this is easier said than done. And, truthfully, the chances of you banishing self-doubt forever are slim to none. Some self-doubt is natural – especially when we’re tackling a new or unfamiliar challenge.

The key is learning the strategies you need to manage it.

Here’s one to get you started.

The power of assuming positive intent

As your boundaries hold or fall based on how much you believe in yourself, what you believe about others is crucial.

If you train yourself to think that any request that comes your way comes from a positive place, you’re in a great position to say “no” if it’s unreasonable.

This works so well because you take all of the emotion out of it. The idea that the asker wants to tie you into a covert contract or some other scheme won't even cross your mind. It ensures that you see every request that comes your way as just that – a request; whether you choose to agree to it or decline is totally within your control.

Also, by assuming positive intent, if the request is something that makes you unhappy or triggers you, you're perfectly positioned to forgive the person who asks. After all, they meant well, didn’t they?

When you adopt this mindset, whether they actually meant well or not is irrelevant. It’s still a simple request that you have the power to deal with. 

Failing to assume positive intent is a great way to start climbing down the feelings ladder towards a frustrated, judgemental place.

Set boundaries today so you can enjoy tomorrow

Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves enough and be ready to disappoint others.

You need to be in a positive, assertive place to do it. But, when you do, the impact on your relationships, both at work and at home, will be profound.

If setting boundaries is something you or your team struggle with, fill in the contact form. We’ll talk about your situation and figure out how I can help you get it right.

Angela is the founder of Juicing the Lemon, a consultancy that helps businesses have the difficult conversations that are the key to a healthy, transparent workplace culture. Juicing the Lemon’s workshops and packages of learning are built on a firm foundation of research, delivered in a way that’s accessible to people at all levels of an organisation. Clients include Allied Bakeries, Silver Spoon, Twinings, Medicine San Frontier, and the NHS.