Set the Scene
Two Robots acting on stage, drawn by Pixlr. I mentioned Shakespeare, but the AI said "no."

Set the Scene

I saw a meme last week that really punched me in the gut because I recognized myself in the action.

Crude drawing of a man bent over throwing up. The text on the meme says: "Me remembering how I tried to relate to someone with a similar anecdote when I could have just been asking them questions about the story they shared. In /r/adhdmemes on reddit
Found on /r/adhdmemes on reddit

I saw this and realized: oh no. This is me. ALL THE TIME. And it's not exactly a surprise to me, but it's more the realization that nobody else does this. They just listen to the story and ask questions.

Not me. I just jump in and say, "Oh, I have a similar story in my database of stories" and blurt it out.

What I need to do instead is set the scene.

Set the Scene

This idea is SO useable in so many forms and formats for you. It's basic, and simple, but not easy. I'll lay it out:

  • "What does this scene need to accomplish?" This is the primary mindset of setting the stage. Think of this moment, this interaction, as a scene. You enter in with someone or a group. What has to happen?
  • What mood and energy do I need to bring to this moment? If someone's grieving, do they want me to grieve or to bring them out of it? If someone is hearing bad news, do they want me to commiserate or plan?
  • What does the person want from you? Is this a moment when you should be supporting and not peer-ing? Or does the person need your experience? Pay attention to the interaction.
  • Does the Person Need a Mirror? Many times, we connect with others just to bounce things off them. Is that what you're doing for this person? Oh, by the way, you can just ask if that's what someone needs.
  • How do I want this person to feel or act after this scene? Not that we can control other people's outcome, but if we're listening to a friend talk about their medical challenges, maybe we shouldn't talk about our tickets to see John Mulaney next week.

There are plenty more questions we could consider, but that core concept of "set the stage" gives you the starting point.

It's Rarely About What WE Would Want

Dealing with clinical depression, I've had many experiences where people try to cheer me up. I never want cheering up. That'd be like trying to cheer me up out of needing glasses. It's chemical. Your words won't change it. So, when I'm dealing with depression, I want someone to be brief, clear, and simple in their statements and questions, and I want to take smaller bites of the world around me.

But that's me. That's MY script for a scene. That's the dialogue and interaction I want.

Other people might want reassurance. Someone reached out yesterday and talked me through a situation where they experienced an emotional trigger, then proceeded to overeat. I knew what they wanted to hear was less about platitudes and instead, they wanted a reminder that they attained the success they've had so far EVEN WITH many failures and setbacks along the way.

In that exact same scenario, I think I would've wanted a bit of tough love. I would've wanted that reminder that I let myself off easy too often in those moments. But what this person needed was quite different.

Thus, when you're about to interact with someone, it's VITAL/CRITICAL/CRUCIAL/SUPER DUPER IMPORTANT that you don't set the scene for yourself. The primary concept is that you're thinking about what the other person might need. You're practicing empathy.

But Chris!

We'll never get what WE want if we set the scene for the other person!

I have a core belief around this: until the other person feels understood and seen, what we want isn't even on the menu.

A lot of times, I'll talk with someone and they're in "drowning" mode. That means, they simply MUST tell me many things, rapid fire, without taking a pause or letting anyone else's words in. Thursday morning, a dear colleague did this with me. They just WENT for ...I forget...11 minutes? And I smiled and nodded and tilted my head the right way and let them go and go and go.

When they finally took a breath, I said, "I'll try to reply to everything, but that was an 11 minute speech, so I might miss a few. Feel free to repeat."

There's a bunch of details in this reply:

  • I'm noting the 11 minutes so they can realize their state. When someone's dumping that much info, it's not because they're unaware. It's because their mental state more or less requires that they get this all out. I call it drowning. "If I don't say ALL THIS, I will DIE."
  • I want them to feel valuable and important, but my memory is like trying to juggle 13 groceries instead of getting a basket. Thus, I remind them to remind me, so that they realize it's me, not them, if I missed a question.
  • I'm also prompting them that if they STILL feel like they're drowning, it's okay to keep going.

If I try to get what I need instead of helping the person not "drown," then they will never be ready to receive any helpful information. And remember: that's even questionable. Maybe they don't want my help. Maybe they just had to spit out all that emotion and sentiment.

Trust That the Story Is Longer Than One Scene

My final bit of advice in helping with setting the scene is that. If you trust that you'll have more than one moment in time to impact the outcomes of interactions with a person, you'll probably have a much better track record over time with getting them to see your mutual value.

The song "Lose Yourself" by Eminem talks at the beginning about having one shot, one opportunity (I'll pause while you bob your head thinking about the song), but that's not how life works. Life is often made up of many chances. Sure, we can really blow it with one moment. But more often, it's all small turns, tiny adjustments, built up experiences.

That said, if you forget to consider setting the scene and are thus just acting from your interests and not considering the other person or persons in the interaction, you can rest assured that those many scenes of your actions are weighing on the people you interact with. If you're KNOWN for being a taker, that is a very very very hard label to get back off. If you're a braggy person (I'm known to be a name-dropper), that doesn't rub off.

It goes both ways: more than one scene means more than one chance to build a very mutual experience, but it also means that we might demonstrate our less ideal selves over and over.

Thus, set the scene. YOU think about it. You bring it to the next interaction. And see if you can change the world with this concept.

Deal?

Chris...

Jay Lambert

Empowering community service leaders & teams to navigate challenges, prevent burnout and lead with resilience and compassion.

1 年

Also guilty, I have quite a database always at the ready and need this reminder that I need to pay attention to what role I need to play. It shouldn't be that hard as I know what I want when the roles are reversed. I have found it helpful to just ask. "Are you asking for help?" or "Do you just need to vent?" Working on asking more open-ended questions to let them take me where they want to go.

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I'm taking this with me because also guilty and...you're going to see John Mulaney?

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Sasha Corken

Vice President at Appfire

1 年

??♀?also need to work on this.

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John Westworth

Helping people realise their potential

1 年

Also guilty of this. Thanks for the post.

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Kerry O'Shea Gorgone, JD, MBA

Content Strategy & Video for Appfire

1 年

Or as I learned from philosopher Travis Kelce, be a fountain, not a drain.

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