A series on emotions... What happens when our emotions get stuck?

This is about what happens when we can't express our emotions, we get stuck in an old story..... and what to do about it.

In a previous article I wrote about the difference between feelings and emotions so here is a quick recap:

Emotions are our physiological response to our environment. The more universal experiences of fear, anger, joy, sadness (grief), disgust and shame.

Feelings are our mental associations and reactions to those emotions. They are influenced by our culture and it is important to find our own words to describe them.

This is where you are going to have to forgive me with terminology. I want to share Hellinger’s contribution to understanding our emotions [note 1]. ?His work enables us make sense of times when we get stuck in a loop of unhelpful stories and feelings. And how to get out of that loop.

Primary Feelings

Hellinger calls the emotions of fear, anger, joy, sadness (grief), disgust and shame ‘primary feelings’.

Primary feelings are expressed in the moment and are simple; intense; and last between around 2 and 8 minutes (ish). They support constructive action leading to a defined goal. This enables the person to remain strong and capable of acting effectively.

‘Because primary feelings lead to a definite goal, they're not long lasting. They come, do their job, and then go again. They take no detours. They're resolved by appropriate expression and effective, appropriate action.’

They are doing what they are evolutionarily designed to do. To help us move to right action. When we are able to do this we live life feeling more calm, grounded, focused and at ease.

Secondary feelings

If we are not able to express them in the moment then they can become stuck. Hellinger calls this ‘secondary feelings’.

If you have experienced a time (perhaps a long time) of not being able to express and act on a primary emotion then it is likely that at some point you gave up believing that you would receive a healthy response. So, at some point you stopped expressing those emotions.

Not being expressed the emotions then become attached to a way of making sense of the world which was useful at the time because it gave some safety. Safety at a time of not being heard or seen. It might be a story of unjustness, of being alone, a story of not being able to trust. There are many stories which we hold however they often have a sense of being separate in a painful way from those around us.

Blocking these unexpressed, disallowed emotions turns that original sense making into an old story, sometimes lasting over decades. ?We become trapped in an old story that won’t let up and it takes all our energy.

Why does this matter?

With secondary feelings and old stories, we avoid looking at reality. Often a sign of this is closing our eyes and withdrawing into a private world when talking with others. When we are in that old story, we don’t notice the present interaction with the other person, we are back in the past. Our capacity for making different choices is small as we are always interpreting what is happening now in relation to the old story.

Old stories

Have you ever been with someone who retells their story and what ever you say makes no difference? It is long and drawn out and is told over and over again. Nothing can be done to help the situation. There is a sense of helplessness for the person in the grip of the secondary feeling and for you listening to them. Secondary feelings convince yourself and others that you can't take effective action.

‘secondary feelings consume energy that could otherwise support change’

What can we do about it?

I know, for myself, that I feel worse when expressing secondary emotions. They can go on and on. I feel bored and frustrated with myself.

I have found that the more often make the effort to move to primary emotion the easier it gets.

The key to moving from a secondary feeling to a primary feeling is to be in the here and now.

·??????Don’t shut your eyes. Shutting your eyes takes you back to the past rather than being aware of what is happening inside you and in your environment. Noticing your sensations and perceptions brings you into the here and now.

• If you are with someone then look at the person that you are talking to. If thats not possible then notice their presence in other ways.

·??????Notice what is happening in your body. Where do you feel things most strongly? Put your hand on that place and let yourself notice what you are experiencing now.

·??????Find more nuance in describing the sensations in your body.

·??????Find more nuance in describing your feelings.

·??????Share what you are noticing now not the old story.

·??????Notice your response. You feel better through expressing primary emotions and they are short (generally 2 to 8 minutes). They create more internal capacity for you.

·??????Notice where you are gaining a sense of movement and follow that energy.

·??????Are you or the person you are with getting bored and frustrated? If the feeling hinders action or weakens you then you have probably drifted back to the story. In that case, be kind to yourself, its an old routine.

Come back to the here and now… and again…. and again.. with kindness.

Do contact me if you have any thoughts or questions.

If you would like to work with me as your coach here is my link Coaching and Growing (quaifeassociates.com)

The next articles will go more into depth with the emotions of:

sadness (grief); anger (and hate); disgust, shame & guilt; fear; joy

?Note 1 Hellinger ‘Loves Hidden Symmetry’ copyright ? 1998 by Bert Hellinger, Gunthard Weber and Hunter Beaumont .

Thanks to Gaye Donaldson for introducing me to this aspect of Hellinger's work

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