Separation and Loss

Though not as common as the other two transitions, which almost every child will go through, separation or loss is a major transition most children must go through. By separation, we are referring to the separation of the child’s parents, which inevitably involves the partial (and sometimes complete) separation of the child from one or other parent.

Loss can apply to the child’s parents as well as the child themselves, and can be any of the following:

• Loss of a parent or parents
• Loss of brothers/sisters
• Loss of a child
• Loss of friends
• Loss of love
• Loss of a limb
• Loss of a physical function
• Loss of work
• Loss of enjoyment of a hobby
• Loss of business
• Loss of money

We have had the privilege of working with some incredible single parents who lived for many years in a toxic relationship, doing their best to raise their children in a harmful environment. Their children blossomed once a change occurred.?

In these cases, the separation benefitted the child’s development.? We’ve also seen children watch their parents separate, which has caused huge emotional disruption – to their mental health, social situation and immediate community – and resulted in poor behaviour, lowered confidence, a lack of focus, increased risk of bullying and difficulty trusting people in authority.

The one undeniable truth we have discovered is that whether or not separation or loss is damaging depends on how the parents process the change for their child. When jealousy, manipulation and negative remarks play a role, the damage can be huge. Our children learn about relationships by watching us and this learned behaviour often manifests in their own lives.?

If parents have made the decision to divorce or separate and they are able to put their child first, remaining entirely positive, explaining the situation in a loving and caring way without diminishing the roles of the mother and father and maintaining the strong bonds they have with their child, this will minimise the disruption.

If your child is currently experiencing bullying, ask yourself if they are going through any of these transitions. Often, a child who is being bullied is experiencing two or even all three transitions at the same time.?

A sudden change in your child’s emotional stability and in their immediate community can be the catalyst for bullying. We have seen, for example, a child starting to go through severe bullying after the family had experienced financial trouble.

You may have noticed that we call these challenges transitions and not events. This is because typically they involve a series of events over a period of time, rather than a single moment. We can define a transition as a process or a period of changing from one state or condition to another.?

In this sense, bullying, too, is a transition. And our work in general is about how to mentor your child through the transition of bullying so that they come out a happy and successful adult.?

You cannot do this if you are unaware that your child is being bullied. The terrifying thing for parents is that bullying often occurs without their knowing. If, as is often the case, your child doesn’t tell you they are being bullied, you need to be able to recognise the tell-tale signs.