Senior women share their pain: exclusion leading to COVERING

Do you COVER at work so that you don’t feel excluded?

I have had three senior women from different organisations (all male dominated industries) share with me that they feel very EXCLUDED by their colleagues – and its tough to stay motivated, committed and on your game when you feel like that. This is the gist of what I heard:

·???????? ‘I am one of the only senior women at the most senior levels and the men who are my colleagues are part of the ‘club’ and I am not.’

·???????? ‘I have to fight to have my voice heard. I speak up and share a contrary view and I am drowned out by the group that is the loudest around the table. This group always backs each other – but never me.’

·???????? ‘Because I often present an alternative view I have been given feedback that I am ‘contrary’ and I needed to work harder to ‘fit in’. As a result, I don’t feel psychologically safe, so I often hold back even when I think as a leadership team we may be making the wrong decision.’

·???????? ‘It’s exhausting! I feel debilitated, like I am constantly watching my own back and that I am exerting more energy fighting to keep my seat at the table than doing a great job.’

When I hear these stories, this is what I observe:

·???????? I don’t think those men are intentionally ostracising her, however, I feel that they likely don’t understand her, or feel challenged by her difference, and so they dig in and stick to what and who they know.

·???????? When you are the ‘only’, a very small majority or not ‘type’, it makes it even harder to be heard. It’s also hard to continue to be yourself and bring your value and uniqueness to the table because your need to belong will be strong and you may be tempted to become more like your colleagues in order to fit in (indeed, this may happen gradually without you even realising it).

·???????? These women were under extreme stress as a result of the feeling of exclusion. I can hear their frustration that they don’t feel like they are doing their jobs as well as they could because their attention is diverted.

·???????? All three women report feeling more fatigued, feeling like their immunity is low and that they keep getting ‘bugs’ and that they feel dissatisfied in general at the end of each week.

Here is some research from DELOITTE on COVERING:

….’many of the top reasons workers gave for covering referred to the judgments or expectations of others around them:

·???????? So that others don’t think less of me

·???????? To avoid negative stereotypes

·???????? To avoid the judgment of others

·???????? For the convenience or comfort of others

·???????? To be seen as competent and/or valuable

·???????? To advance in my organization

·???????? To keep my job. ‘

DELOITTE

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Deloitte research shares that there is a big cost to COVERING:

‘The costs of covering: A covering culture can have harmful effects on individuals: 74% of workers report being negatively impacted in some way by the need to cover at their organization. Such consequences include negative effects on well-being, focus, and sense of self; negative effects on performance and commitment at work; and a general feeling of needing to sacrifice authenticity to succeed.’

DELOITTE

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My diagnosis in the examples I have shared is that unless there is change, it is likely that each of these three women will not be working for those organisations in 12 months.

If I was coaching the colleagues of these woman this is the approach I would take (fortunately this is part of the role I am playing in the 3 instances I have referred to):

·???????? By probing, questioning and getting really curious I want them to start to understand that sometimes their behaviour is exclusionary.

·???????? I would get them to feel empathy for those that feel excluded by getting them to remember the feeling and what the impact can be. Seeing and feeling truly empathetic to the tiny acts of exclusion that impact you when you are in the minority is hard for those who have never experienced it.

·???????? I would appeal to their need for an effective team and what it takes to bring everyone along on the ‘belonging’ train.

·???????? I would share with them tactics for some real and frank conversations with the person in the team who is different – I call this my HABIT of ‘acknowledging the uneasiness of difference’ – which takes courage.

·???????? I would get them to try some new approaches and to share back with me on perceived impact.

·???????? I would focus on coaching them, not fixing the women who have shared with me how they feel.

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In my experience, particularly in male dominated industries, men in senior roles still really struggle with what to do or say with the woman in the team. Its still unfamiliar and although they may want diversity and difference, they don’t know how to handle it, what to say and what to do once we have it in our team.

Again, here is what DELOITTE research says about a COVERING CULTURE:

‘Covering culture—an environment in which workers feel they would be penalized for displaying greater authenticity. Covering culture consists of a set of covering demands—the pressure imposed on others to downplay aspects of their identity. These demands may be communicated in a variety of ways: explicitly through requests to cover, subtly through penalties for uncovering or rewards for covering, and sometimes through an ambient workplace environment that simply feels unwelcoming toward people who do not conform.’

DELOITTE

It recognises the underlying reason why ‘diversity’ alone cannot create sustainable change, because it ignores the ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM. Which is:

When someone is different in the team, its hard to manage because you don’t know what to do.

That’s why I am a proponent of teaching leaders the 6 HABITS OF BEING INCLUSIVE through my INCLUSION HABITS process. This is what I know: it works and makes a big impact on those that feel they are already inclusive, but in reality, have quite a ways to go.

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