Selfish-Generosity?: An Antidote to the Negative Effects of Divorce

She was one of the first women I sought to interview. My goal was to collect as many stories about resilience as possible and use those stories to help me find my own way out of sadness.

Her red hair and freckles felt strangely reassuring and familiar to me (perhaps because when I return for a second journey through life, I want to be redheaded with freckles too). As I set up my inexpensive camera, she waited patiently. She had no idea I had no idea how to professionally record interviews. The desire to learn from those who had experienced divorce and were willing to share their stories of resilience mattered more to me than looking professional.

I asked her a series of questions about how she got through her divorce, especially as a mother of two young children. After asking all of my questions, I invited her to share any last words directly with those women who will watch the video later. In her parting words, she planted the seeds for what would become a profound interest in Selfish-GenerosityTM for me:

I would encourage you all to remember: yes, you are mothers first and you will always be mothers - but those children are looking at a woman too and at a person. And if you are not happy, then that affects the way that you parent and the way that your children see you. You want your kids to see you as someone to emulate and you're a role model whether you like it or not. So you need to take care of your own emotional needs, your own physical needs, and be the wo[man] who you know you can be.

And then she gave a warm and loving smile.

We are all familiar with the negative effects of divorce, whether we have experienced them ourselves or have witnessed someone close to us go through them. But, a refresher is worthwhile.

• Some friends you thought would be your ride-or-die, disappear
• Co-parenting will stress the most emotionally mature among us
• Your self-esteem and marketplace value plummet
• You are at a higher rate of a heart attack (than those happily married)
• Depression wakes you up in the morning before your alarm does
• The financial cushion you once enjoyed (and intended to enjoy) is lost in legal fees

There is much more. But you get the picture.

So what do you do? What can you do?

Choose!

Choose to be insanely selfish because if you do not, you will suffer needlessly (emotionally, physically, financially, spiritually, mentally); your children will suffer; and those who love you will feel like there is nothing they can do to be helpful. To be insanely selfish may sound offputting, but it is absolutely essential if you are going to counteract the negative effects of divorce.

Four Simple Steps to Practice Selfish-Generosity?

Step 1: Start a morning routine that is non-negotiably your time - block off 10 minutes (for the beginners) to 60 minutes (for the advanced) ALONE to listen to an inspirational song, exercise, meditate/pray, journal, sit at a window and sip a cup of tea, visualize a future where you a living your dreams, chant, soak in a tub, make "I am..." affirmation statements, write a love letter to yourself. You get the picture? You must put YOU FIRST first thing in the AM. Put this routine in your calendar and set your timer.

Step 2: Celebrate yourself for accomplishing any 3 things - I know this sounds silly, but you have to do it. Think about it: when was the last time you celebrated yourself and it wasn't your birthday, or a promotion, or your child's accomplishment? This is how you celebrate yourself no matter where you are at the time and it only takes 60 seconds: "I celebrate myself for..." and then name the first thing (does NOT matter what that thing is. Celebrate yourself for putting yourself first this morning, or getting out of bed without hitting the snooze button 4 times, or having 1 glass of wine instead of 3, or having a salad with your meal instead of fries. Any 3 things are fair game. Here is the caveat: you must say this out loud, not inside your head. If you really want to feel alive with this step, call a friend and tell her/him your "I celebrate myself for..." statements.

Step 3: Treat Yourself - get an envelope, mark it "My Play", and put cash in it every week for 4 weeks. At the end of the 4 weeks, treat yourself. The goal is to splurge. Blow all of the money on something just for yourself. Not a dime can be left over for the next week when you will repeat. The psychology around this activity is profound. You influence your subconscious to be a wealth generator because you aren't in a scarcity mindset. Counterintuitive, I know. But think about what this act is telling you: "I have more than enough money that I can splurge." And, "I am good enough to treat myself to special experiences." You get to decide how much you want to splurge. By putting the money weekly into a cash envelope, you are preparing yourself for the expense and building the anticipation.

Step 4: Forgive Yourself - whew...let's just pause and take a deep breath on this one. This step may be more difficult than the previous steps, but extremely important. How you talk to yourself about yourself has everything to do with how you talk to and treat others. You are not perfect. No one is. But, you are not a bad person either. You are intrinsically good. The mistakes you made (and will make as long as you are human) are an opportunity for personal development. When you intentionally forgive yourself, your stress level drops and your dopamine level rises. Here is one way to forgive yourself: go to a mirror (or use your iPhone, the point is to talk to your face), look at your beautiful face, and say, "[your name], I forgive you for [name it specifically]." Repeat as many times as you need. I know what you are thinking: "weird". But your emotions and your heart will thank you.

Your Call to Action

For the next 21 days, do one of these steps (ideally do all 4 if you can) consistently. Track how you feel before you start the step(s) and at the end of 21 days. You will need to do (3) 21-day cycles for a habit to form. But let's not get ahead of ourselves.

Remember, "you need to take care of your own emotional needs, your own physical needs, and be the wo[man] who you know you can be."

If you want to join me for a 21-day Selfish-Generosity? Challenge, let me know and I'll send you the sign-up information.