Self-Talk: Friend or Foe?
The content of our self-talk is crucial—is it a friend or foe? Is it acting as an ally and an asset, or is it an anchor weighing us down?
Our self-talk, or the relationship we forge with ourselves, is pivotal in unlocking our potential. Although it might be one of our most significant relationships, it often ranges from being fractured at best to outright destructive at its worst.
Pausing to really listen to that inner voice, we usually discover it to be excessively critical, negative, and downright harsh. Broadcasting such a voice over a loudspeaker would likely leave us horrified. Astonishingly, we often address ourselves more like adversaries than friends, teammates, or family members.
Why is this the case? Why are we so harsh on ourselves, and what proactive steps can we take to amend this?
These are indeed profound questions, so let’s delve deeper into the nature of our self-talk in this newsletter and explore strategies to fortify our relationship with ourselves.
Build Awareness
The initial step in examining our self-talk is to heighten our awareness. It’s vital to comprehend not only the manner in which we converse with ourselves but also the situations in which our self-dialogue is most destructive. In essence, we need to identify what triggers our negative self-talk. While numerous methods can build such awareness, we'll concentrate on a singular, simple technique: writing.
Writing down in advance the way you communicate with yourself in difficult times, and identifying what provokes such self-dialogue, can be enlightening. The act of physically recording these instances beforehand allows you to recognize more readily when you are indulging in negative self-talk in real time.
Therefore, grab a pen and paper and jot down what you typically say to yourself during challenging times and when you are at your best. Then, document the circumstances in which these instances predominantly occur for you.
Create Space
To utilize our newfound awareness effectively, we need to become adept at creating some distance between our automatic reactions. When our triggers are activated, emotions often dominate, and we react impulsively. This can pose numerous challenges, including the loss of opportunity to pause and consciously choose our response. Although mastering this will require substantial practice, let’s narrow our focus to one fundamental technique: mindfulness.
Mindfulness, a practice with ancient roots, persists because of its effectiveness. I perceive mindfulness as a rehearsal for real-life situations—the game, so to speak. Allocating time each day to observe your thoughts without judgment aligns perfectly with our goal to manage performance situations. Regular practice of this technique starts to instill a pause, a moment of space, between reactions, offering us a choice in how we respond best.
I recommend carving out 10-15 minutes a day to sit comfortably and simply witness your thoughts, refraining from judgment.
Mind Your Tone
The words and tone we opt for in our self-dialogue can, at times, be exceedingly harsh. Once we begin to attune to this concept, its pervasiveness becomes apparent. Modulating our internal tone is a potent method to mollify this internal dialogue. Just as we would adjust our tone and pace of speech when conversing with another person, the same adjustment can and should be applied to our inner dialogue. Slowing the pace of our internal dialogue and adopting a tone that is both calm and confident can prove to be highly effective.
Make certain to practice a tone that resonates as calm and confident to you. You can experiment with this by articulating words aloud in a serene, confident manner, and subsequently, imagining them spoken in a harsh and critical tone. This exercise will underline the contrast for you, clarifying it significantly, and enabling easier identification in the moment.
Challenge Your Critic
The voice in our head can get loud. In fact, it can get so loud that it drowns everything out and becomes the only voice we hear. The only voice we hear? Is there another voice I should be listening to? Well….kind of. See, we all have an ability to step back and see our thinking and internal dialogue. This is important because it gives us the space to question our self-talk. Our ability to question ourselves is a unique experience to being human. As far as we know, we are the only species on the planet that has this ability. This ability is there for a reason so let’s use it.
Some solid questions to ask yourself:
While there are no perfect questions the concept of challenging your internal monologue can help you see that it is not always true and/or helpful. Not only that, but if it’s not helpful you can choose to let that thought pass by and change that dialogue to something a bit more productive.
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Closing Thoughts
We’ve explored the pivotal role our self-talk plays in determining the quality of our relationship with ourselves and, consequently, our potential. The interplay of awareness, mindfulness, tone modulation, and critical questioning forms the basis of altering destructive self-dialogue patterns, fostering a more harmonious internal environment.
By elevating our awareness, we sharpen our insight into our own narrative, discerning the contours of our self-dialogue and identifying its triggers. The practice of mindfulness acts as a conduit to create space between our thoughts and reactions, offering a choice in response, enabling a conscious interaction with our internal processes.
Adjusting the tone of our internal dialogue is equally crucial, softening the harshness, and inducing a calming, confident influence within our psyche. It's vital to nurture a tone that resonates with calmness and confidence, a practice enriched by continuous experimentation and reflection.
Lastly, confronting and challenging our internal critic is essential. Questioning the validity and helpfulness of our thoughts creates a discerning filter, providing us with the choice to reframe unproductive thoughts into constructive ones.
Our journey to constructive self-talk is not an easy one—it requires constant effort, reflection, and a willingness to challenge ingrained patterns. However, the rewards are profound, affecting not only our relationship with ourselves but also influencing our interactions with the world around us.
Take Action
Now, let's break this down into actionable items that we can start implementing in our day-to-day lives.
?About Me
My name is Anthony Delonardo, and I've been passionate about high performance for as long as I can remember. Over the past 10+ years, I've immersed myself in the world of personal improvement, constantly seeking out tools and techniques that are backed by science and actually work.
Through my journey, I've gained a deep understanding of what makes the best performers tick and how they think about getting better.
Now, my goal is to share my insights and actionable steps with others, so they don't have to sift through the noise and trial and error that I did.
I believe that by building a like-minded community of individuals striving to improve themselves, we can create a better, more high-performing world.
In my professional life, I've held multiple senior management positions in sales, leading teams of professional sellers in a highly competitive industry. Through my experiences, I've honed techniques that work in high-pressure situations, leaving no room for anything that doesn't get results.
I'm thrilled to share my thoughts and ideas with you and thank you for joining our community.
Let's strive for greatness together.
Sr Sales Manager @ HR Acuity | DEI Champion | Ex- Handshaker | Driving Strategic Partnerships |
1 年I can't wait to read this month's newsletter!
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1 年I like the article Anthony Delonardo, and thank you for sharing. It seems you focus on the negative self-talk, which is likely more pervasive for many of us, but what are your thoughts on positive self-talk? Can it go too far?? I’ve heard about the concept of so-called “toxic positivity,” essentially that one’s concept of self-worth leans into the realm of irrational confidence. Is there a point at which we believe too much in ourselves, to our own detriment? A bit of a philosophical question to be sure - and I don’t think “too much” positive self-talk is necessarily a bad thing- but interested in your perspective! Edit: I absolutely support the idea of positive self-talk for all of us and actively practice it on a regular basis, just find it interesting to consider if one could possibly do too much!