Self-Sacrifice or Self-Sabotage?

I was recently talking to a woman who was struggling with a decision to either stay in a situation that was not ideal and not really making her happy; or to leave that situation for one she felt would make her happy personally. The challenge for her, as is so often the case, is that other people would be affected by her decision. So… sacrifice her own happiness for the good of others, or be “selfish” and make the move?

In my opinion, sacrificing oneself for the “good of others” may seem in the short run to be the better option. However, over time resentment and bitterness can build up, which does not serve others or ourselves in any positive way. In fact, it can be very destructive!

Taking the opportunity to be happy, grow, and become a better version of ourselves has a stronger chance of having a positive effect on those we love, serve and influence… as long as we consciously choose to improve ourselves in the process. So ultimately, it’s not really “selfish” to choose this route.

Some would argue that sacrificing oneself is a way to grow and become a better version of ourselves. And I agree… to a point. Unless you are a very evolved person who can come from a place of pure love and uncommon connection to the Divine, which gives you a higher purpose (such as Mother Theresa), self-sacrifice generally doesn’t end well. Resentment, anger, frustration, and bitterness can build the longer you are “sacrificing” yourself (what is best for you, most productive, and conducive to your happiness) … and that is no Bueno. You don’t benefit anyone that way.

Sometimes, in a marriage for instance (because there are so many easy examples), we sacrifice ourselves and our immediate happiness for our children. We know that this is “part of the deal of parenthood” and happily (most of the time) make that choice for the betterment of our kids. It typically is also a sacrifice that has an end in sight.

Other times in a marriage, one or both partners will sacrifice themselves or their happiness for the "sake of the children"… because they have religious beliefs against divorce… or because they want everything to “look good” on the outside. They suffer in silence, thinking this is just the way it is, and they have to suck it up and deal with it. We may stay in a job for some of the same reasons.

Whether it is a marriage, a friendship, a job, or some other type of “commitment”, no one DESERVES to be unhappy. NO ONE!

Now, don't get excited... I’m not saying you should up and jump ship at the first sign of discomfort or unhappiness. Lord knows this happens way too often these days… I strongly believe in honoring our commitments, and in the sanctity of marriage. I can’t emphasize that enough! Good character, strong personal ethics, and a moral code are vital.

In our “me-centered” society, it can be way too easy to just walk away. But here's the thing: if you always walk the minute something gets hard or uncomfortable, you haven’t learned or grown… you’ve just learned to quit.

Many times, choosing to sacrifice yourself or your happiness for a time can be very productive... If you choose to use the time to learn and grow. From that growth, you may find the circumstances (really your perspective of it from a new vantage point) have changed, and you are happy. Then it is a worthwhile investment.

Couples can choose to sacrifice their immediate (perceived) happiness and come together to work on their relationship and end up happier and more committed than ever. A job can become the best job you ever had, if you sacrifice for a period of time and work on improving yourself (attitude, skills, working relationships, etc.)

The trick is knowing when it really may be time to let it go and move on. When you notice that bitterness and resentment are taking over your thoughts, or you become short-tempered or unkind to others a majority of the time, it might be time to reflect on your situation and make a choice to do something different. At the end of the day, only you know the answer and only you can gauge whether you have honestly made an effort to improve things before just throwing in the towel.

Ultimately you can better serve those you love, serve and influence when you are in a healthier place personally. Just make sure your change is for the right reason and that you ARE getting yourself to a better place, not just a different place.

I love the saying, “wherever you go, there you are.” It very succinctly speaks to what I’m trying to say. If you don’t take the time and effort to learn and grow, you’ll end up in the same place again and again. To me, that’s the ultimate in self-sabotage!

One great way to learn, grow and get healthier is to hire a coach. Someone who can help you ask the tough questions, come to some answers, and help be accountable for your growth.

Many times we are too close to a situation to see it clearly, much less come to some answers for ourselves. A trusted coach can help you get focused and see things you might have been missing on your own.

If you'd like to talk about how a coach could help you, I'd love to chat! Email me to connect: [email protected].