Self-Sabotaged? Worry not and heal thyself!!

Have you ever heard of this term called self-sabotage? Do not worry if you have not! Self-sabotage is?when we do (or don't do) things that block our success or prevent us from accomplishing our goals, be it short/long term. Although the occurrence pattern can be either conscious or unconscious, these self-sabotaging behaviors end up affecting our personal/professional success and ultimately our mental well-being.

Many people who barely know me?assume that life is and always was easy for me?with success wrapped around me all the time. I must say, that’s a very wrong assumption. Although I was raised by strong supportive parents, and strong family bonds with my folks being there for me always, my low confidence just because I was plump, dealing with this life broke me again and again. Every time I got knocked down; I stood up again; from when I was little onward.

But not always. There were many times when the problem wasn’t that I wouldn’t stand up after being knocked down, but that instead,?I made sure I knocked myself down in the most brutal way possible.?It’s called self?sabotage and is one of the worst kinds of behaviors that can happen to a person.

Don’t confuse self-sabotage with failure.?When you fail you act, and because of a weak strategy, unpredictable outside forces,?wrong assumptions,?or any other reason, things don’t turn out as planned. Failing sucks, but self-sabotage is completely different and a much more brutal beast.

Maybe I want to pause here and describe to you the 3 main situations when self-sabotage hovers and kicks in.

• Something good is going on and we somehow make sure to kill it.
• It’s time to stand up for ourselves, but instead, we bow down and do nothing.
• We might fight for something we really want and when we get there, destroy it.

They are always?deep psychological issues of inadequacy and a feeling that we don’t deserve it. It’s part of the personality that comes from?a misguided upbringing(never with a wrong intent though)?or past traumatic experiences and that leads to becoming an?emotional midget that blocks himself/herself when something good starts appearing on the horizon.

Let me share with you a story of a friend on self-sabotaging behavior.

My friend said “Now I got a new cool job that I really enjoyed, and my career was taking off. There was only one thing that bothered me a lot.?I felt I wasn’t paid enough compared to how much value I contributed.?I was becoming really good at what I was doing, but the payment didn’t go up. For months and months, it bothered me and?I did nothing.?I was only doing self-torture, asking myself what if I hear no as a response to my pay raise request? After a few months, I got a new better offer at a different job.

Because I was valuable to the firm,?the manager immediately offered to pay me more if I stayed.?I complained that I was unsatisfied with the payment anyway and that I was determined to leave.?And the reason for self-sabotage is tricky and different! Afterward, on my last day, we had a very honest talk, and what he said to me shocked me quite a lot.

He said?I could have easily gotten paid twice as much or even more if I would’ve just asked.?He was waiting for me to ask and negotiate a little bit, and it was a big surprise that I never did, especially considering how ambitious I was in general. Well, remember my complex relationship with my money. It was a big internal conflict. I felt I deserved a higher payment and not at the same time.?Rather than doing something, I was focusing on my internal conflict and self-torture.?Complete self-sabotage.

Area of self-sabotage: Money and Type of self-sabotage: Self-pity and internal conflict.

Here are some self-sabotaging behaviors commonly seen across. I am sure you will be able to relate to some of these.

1.??????Avoiding people and situations that make us uncomfortable.

2.??????Staying within your comfort zone and avoiding change.

3.??????Setting goals that are too low to ensure success.

4.??????Creating conflict with partners, loved ones, friends, or coworkers.

5.??????Trying to control others.

6.??????Attempting to gain others’ approval.

7.??????Making excuses, all kinds!

8.??????Taking actions that don’t match our core values and defined goals.

9.??????Comparing self to others in all realms.

10.?? Socially withdrawal or isolation.

11.??Risky behaviors (such as unnecessary substance use, gambling, overspending, etc)

The most important aspect of identifying the cause in our current life can be summarized below too –Rather than calling our upbringing toxic, I would put it as critical/negative examples or shocking situations are summarized below -

• All you heard at home were critiques and you rarely received a compliment.
• Whatever you did was never good enough.
• You often heard “you’re just like your father/mother”.
• You got labeled, like “you’re clumsy”, “you speak funny” or whatever.
• You felt ignored in some way (so why would anyone listen to you now).
• You were never allowed to have a different opinion from your parents.
• Parent of the opposite gender was abusive/ignorant (so others must be the same).
• Somebody made fun of you, even maybe only in an “innocent” way

Below diagrammatic representation from a source might help you to visualize self-sabotaging behavior better.?

How about breaking free from self-sabotage? Much needed, isn’t it? How about stopping self-sabotage as much as possible and transforming your precious life?

Breaking free from self-sabotage usually involves?delving into the past to discover where it stems from. Once we’re able to pinpoint where the behavior started – and what role it served – we can practice self-compassion and self-forgiveness for what we did when we were in survival mode – when we simply didn’t know any better. And from there, we can begin to learn healthier, more effective ways of behaving which will serve us in the long term.??

One of the important ways to deal with self-sabotage is to start managing emotions better.

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By far the best way to overcome self-sabotage is to gather every single drop of courage you possess, gather all the willpower to surpass negative emotions, and?do what an emotionally healthy person would do.?It doesn't always work, but many times it does.

You may vomit, you may cry, you may feel like the world is going to end or you’ll go crazy, but that is what you must do to get proof from real life that you can do better, that there is a way to perform more optimally and that?there’s nothing wrong with following your own goals; and that the world won’t collapse.

Examples of real actions are:

• Take full responsibility for your life.
• Speak up.
• Surrender when you don’t have control.
• Express how you feel.
• Set limits and boundaries.
• Face your fears.
• Accept compliments without shame.
• Pay attention to your needs and satisfy them.
• Start saying no.
• Improve your posture and take up space.
• Start taking care of your body and style.
• Stop running away from your past.
• Learn to?live in the present moment.
• Start responding instead of reacting (be proactive).
• Decrease tolerance for mistreatment.
• Save money.
• Stop comparing yourself to others.

While practicing the above, do not forget to follow the below-

• Be courageous, not stupid.
• Start with really, small steps.
• Reward yourself as and when required.

On the reward aspect, every small step you make, really rewards you, especially by mentally focusing on the positive.?Be proud of yourself, celebrate, see it as an early win, and see the progress you are making.

Also, make sure you are on the constant path of developing self-awareness. Exercises to do to analyze our self-sabotaging behavior-

1.??????Write down your goal.

2.??????Write down all the behaviors that work against us meeting your goal.

3.??????Visualize doing the opposite of Self-sabotage (on how you work towards your goals).

4.??????Identify worries and fears and other negative emotions that come up.

5.??????Identify the false beliefs, convictions, and assumptions you are holding back!

Self-sabotaging at work?? Yes, you can stop it!!

How to stop self-sabotaging Self-sabotaging at work can take many forms. This might include procrastinating, workplace conflicts, or underperforming. Here are some ideas to limit the impact of self-defeating habits at work.

Talk to your manager - Ask for feedback and specific areas where you can improve. If you’re struggling with expectations, be honest.

If you are concerned about falling behind, speak up. If you need more support, speak up. Whatever it is, staying in communication can help you focus on what needs to be done. The more you speak up, the less scary it will seem.

Take a chance- When self-sabotage starts to affect your performance, it can cause low self-esteem. The self-image, in turn, affects your self-efficacy and whether you feel, you can now successfully take on new challenges. If there's an opportunity you want to pursue, don't let your inner critic talk you out of it. Ask for support as you go for what you want.

No more excuses.

No more self-sabotage.

No more self-pity. No more comparing yourself to others.

Act right now and start living your life with purpose.

a) Stay passive and let your inner self-sabotager dictate your entire life.

b) Stop tolerating self-sabotage and take full responsibility for your life.

If you pick option a, your inner self-sabotager wins. If you pick option b, you’ve picked the path of self-mastery, which is not easy.

It requires commitment and effort from you. It’s on you to do the labor of self-love. No one can love you as much as you can love yourself.

Commit to investing in yourself. It’s the most important work of your life. You deserve it!

Always remember you’re not stuck; you can break the cycle and you can heal yourself.