Self, Roles & Expectations

Who Are You?

What Roles Do You Play?

What Are Others' Expectations of You, and You of Yourself?

I received one of the best graduate educations one could receive in Organizational Dynamics at the University of Pennsylvania. Of all my coursework and independent study, the course "Self, Roles & Expectations" taught by the late Jim Larkin continually comes back to me -- maybe even haunts me in the beauty and focus this topic brings to living a meaningful life.

The questions are simple and deep:

Who Are You?

This is a reflection of considering one's values, beliefs and the actions that we take based on our understanding of ourselves. This is the core of existence for each one of us.

What Roles Do You Play?

This is a 360 review on our connections to others. For me, it is roles such as husband, father, provider, advisor, worker, learner, teacher, citizen, community leader, friend and son. Thinking about the hats I wear and my interdependencies with other important people in my life is a sobering exercise. It brings into focus that life is not all about me.

What Are Others' Expectations of You, and You of Yourself?

We expect a lot of each other in life. Considering in a specific fashion what others expect of us can be a bit overwhelming. How can people expect so much of me? Is it fair? Can I deliver? Should I let them expect this of me? Should they expect more and I deliver more?

And what about my expectations of myself? Am I living up to my standards? Am I being reasonable? Do I expect too much or too little?

This reflective experience, if done well, is recursive. After moving through the questions, it is natural to return to ask, "So who am I?" "What ARE the roles I play?" "What about those pesky expectations of others and myself?"

The Course & Beyond

I took Jim Larkin's course in 2008 and still these questions come back to me on a regular basis. Jim was what I would call a common genius: brilliant, insightful, grounded and approachable. He taught the course in an amazingly engaging manner.

We did not study ethereal texts -- rather films like Dances with Wolves, where central character Lieutenant John Dunbar (played by Kevin Costner) struggled with these questions throughout his personal evolution. We read nonfiction, including Martha Gellhorn: A Twentieth Century Life, the story of a woman previously unknown to me who worked for the government and eventually moved into the White House to live with the Roosevelts during the depression. She was later a war correspondent and was married to Ernest Hemingway. She led an amazing life.

And we learned from the experiences of each other: A fellow student whose father was an official in the Communist party in another country. A classmate who was exceptionally open about the management of his bipolar disorder. A Korean woman who shared the guilt inflicted by her parents when she dared to get a B+ in a class in middle school -- who then got nothing but A's and A+'s throughout the remained of school, college and grad school. A gay man who was active in changing policies and practices in Philadelphia. A woman whose central role in life at times was "wife of Christian pastor." A straight white father who had worked in a large national corporation -- me.

This exercise of asking these questions is a process I sometimes encourage my coaching clients to undertake. If you are looking to go below the surface of who you are, what roles you play, what others expect of you -- and you of yourself -- I highly encourage investing the time. It will make you a better __________.