SELF-RESPECT OR INFERIORITY COMPLEX
Today I will talk about a subject, which is so difficult for some people to accept. It is hard to swallow when you notice something negative in your personality. However, we are human, we learn from our mistakes. Life is the best teacher.
People in general get mad when they feel neglected by someone they valued dearly. Actually, this is the best opportunity for an inner vacation! Remember when you lost someone for the last time. Suddenly this person faded away from your life. Love and friendships come in euphoria, but vanish very quietly!
While you are still waiting for them to explain something to you about their actions, you feel they slip from your fingers like sand. Right after that, they are nowhere! They don't answer your calls, they don't answer your messages, basically they are not available for you any more! You don't have to confess about your own experiences to anyone, just accept that it happened to you!
Believe it or not, the most beautiful and handsome people sometimes lose their chances with wonderful relationships or friendships. What is wrong with these people?
Did you ever write someone a message and if this person didn't answer you, did you send a question mark? I met with some people like that. They write an email, if you don't have time to answer, then they send you a question mark, right after that they delete you! Last Sunday I experienced something; a beautiful lady felt so sad, because I didn't answer her email right after her message. Because I was giving father's day brunch in my home. When I turned back, she had already blocked me!
What is wrong with these people?
We all want to feel loved, we all want to feel respected and valued. When you give love, respect and value but you don't receive anything back, your heart breaks, you feel rejected. But then after, deep in your heart something tells you, this person does not give you respect as much as you gave him/her. You believe that this person played with your heart while you are true to him/her. You gave so much value, however s/he acted as if s/he didn't care you.
These confusions activate your inferiority complex. I will give you the definition of the inferiority complex, you will understand how superficial this feeling is : “Inferiority complex is an unrealistic feeling of general inadequacy caused by actual or supposed inferiority in one sphere, sometimes marked by aggressive behavior in compensation.”
I want you to focus on this phrase “feeling of general inadequacy.” The good news is, you have this inferiority complex only in some parts of your personality. But still some people have confusion at work if someone doesn't answer their questions on time, some of them cannot accept compliments, some of them are shy to show their value to people, some of them have no voice to stand for their rights and most of them are having trouble in their relationships. What is your inferiority complex? We are not perfect! But you are almost perfect if you are aware of your own wounds!
The inferiority complex does not happen in a night. Look at babies, they are so bold when they just start walking. They never think whether they have a beautiful voice, they just sing. They never think whether they can dance, they just dance. But then something happens. Maybe first in the family, alas, some families are so reckless! They discipline their children with shame “you don't know how to dance, you have no talent to sing, this is a stupid idea, you can't be an engineer, you are terrible with math!” Then children start owning their parents' words. These negative words become their own inner voice.
Maybe the most terrible one is, mothers, fathers or both who neglect their own children. Giving them the silent treatment. When these children grow up, the first thing they do is to sabotage their own beautiful relationships. The moment the person they love gets a bit quiet, they think they are neglected. This feeling leads them to feel shame, then anger. Because actually, deep in their heart, they are first angry with their parents. They want someone to love them, because they have a huge hole in their heart. They wait many things from their lover that their parents didn't give them, such as care, respect and value.
This is a terrible déjà vu, just like a nightmare happening in real life! While they have this awful unconscious feeling, they start mirroring their wounded child in their heart to their loved one with aggressiveness. Deep in their heart, they push back the situation with hostility, “No!! I will never allow it again! I don't want people to play with my heart, they have no right for it!” When you speak to them, it sounds like self-respect! Unfortunately it is just an inferiority complex.
The moment you accept this, you fix all your inferiority complexes. It is possible!
You have to understand some very important things :
First, when you feel so sad about someone, for example s/he didn't answer your question at work, didn't say “hi” to you in the shop when you smiled her/him, or didn't answer your email, actually that moment you give them more value than your own self! For this reason, the most important thing is, first you have to learn how to value yourself! If you don't value yourself, nobody will give you any value!
Second, before getting angry with your friend or loved one, you have to think of all the positive possibilities. Let's say again, your colleague at work didn't answer your question, maybe s/he had a problem with his own job at that moment, maybe s/he was in trouble with his/her manager! Or your neighbor didn't smile back to you in the shop, maybe his/her mind was so busy, maybe s/he tried to remember something at that particular moment and didn't see you. Maybe you didn't receive the email because this person wasn't available, maybe something very important is going on in his/her life.
Third, you really have to accept you have a problem in human relations with certain points. Just check this out; if your days get paralyzed, if you feel cold feet, if your stomach gets sick, if you get angry, if you have depression, if you have insomnia, if you get nervous, if you can't eat, if you feel so sad and neglected, I am telling you, at that moment you are not struggling with love, friendship, work problems and so on. That moment you are struggling with an inferiority complex!
If your happiness depends on people's words and actions back to you, that means you don't love yourself !
Do you love ice cream? Because of the summer, in the refrigerator you have tons of different ice creams. As you put them into your freezer and forget them until next time, forget this subject until it comes back to you. Trust me, these people will come back to you and explain what happened. Or maybe not ! Just remember, you were alive and happy before they entered your life. I promise you, you will survive without them.
Sometimes, you have to go one step backward and just watch the show.
Self-respect defines your boundaries.
You don't allow people to speak with you in a certain way, you don't want people to decide for your life, you don't let people call you with strange nicknames, you don't answer strangers who ask questions about your private life. People with strong boundaries teach others how to speak to them, how to act to them! Because they set a higher standard for their selves!
In the mean time, people with inferiority complexes are not sick minded people. Most of the time, they are very sweet, but they become very bitter when their complex comes out. They scare to lose a person, that's why they give a lot from their selves. That's why they don't believe they deserve this love, that work, that much money, this house, that girl/man, this car, that life style. Even if you tell them '”you are so beautiful/handsome” they will answer you “REALLY?!!!” People with an inferiority complex are waiting for the exact same love as they give, the same interest as they show, the same adoration as they make, the same care as they express from the other side, without thinking that the other person has also his/her own personality, they act them as they are their own reflection in the mirror.
Remember, you can heal yourself! You have to learn how to give love, interest, value and respect to yourself! Then if you don't receive what you expected from the other side, don't ask why, because when you ask, you are lowering your own value! You give all the worth to the other person. Don't ask them why they don't write you. Don't ask them if they will talk to you someday. Don't even wonder why they pass you by without smiling. Don't bother yourself with their own actions. I mean, don't make any paranoia! It is not about you! It is all about them. If they are nice people, they will come to you and explain what happened! If they don't, let it be!
If someone doesn't want to be your friend or doesn't want to have a relationship with you, even if at the beginning there must have been some feelings, you know people might change their mind, just move on. Do you know why? The reason is, because you love this person, this doesn't mean s/he will love you back! Remember, if you even grab his/her attention for a short time, believe me sooner or later s/he will leave you again.
And always remember, loving someone is the easiest thing to do, the most difficult one is, loving yourself! Self awareness, self respect and patience are also the important keys!
Victoria Toumit