Self Perception and Integrity. The backbone of everything

?????????????????? "Integrity is doing the right thing, even when no one is watching."

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People often reflect on their personal history to define themselves. They delve into their past experiences to determine their potential. However, it's a common mistake to view past hardships, suffering, and pain as evidence of being flawed or broken, which erodes one's self-esteem and sense of worth.

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Let's firmly establish this idea: Regardless of what you've endured or how arduous it may have been, every experience has shaped the person you are today and the person you can become.

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If applied with intention and reflection, trials, difficulties, moments of pain, and periods of suffering can potentially forge you into a stronger and more resilient individual.

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Life’s challenges showcase your remarkable capacity to overcome adversity. And as of today, your track record in facing painful experiences is a perfect 100%. How do I know this?

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Because you’re here, reading these words. So, take a moment to give yourself a well-deserved pat on the back and fully acknowledge your resilience!

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It’s in these trials that we uncover our inner strength. We have the potential to rise and become steadfast even in the face of pain, but it’s essential to frame these experiences with the right perspective.

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If you're narrating a story that diminishes your self-worth, if you convince yourself that terrible things have unfairly happened to you or that you've committed unpleasant acts, casting yourself as an awful person, then none of this transformative potential will be realized. You'll remain stuck in a cycle of regression.

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The burden of stress, victim consciousness and ceaseless negative self-talk will continue to hold you back.

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Imagine being able to relegate past experiences to the rearview mirror, using them as fuel to propel yourself forward and transcend both your past and your former self. At that moment, my friend, you tap into the potential for something extraordinary.

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To unlock this potential, integrity becomes crucial. It is the cornerstone of true mind mastery.

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Remarkable individuals who achieve greatness share a key trait: They eliminate incongruence, misdirection, inauthenticity, and deceit from their lives. Instead, they embrace principles such as truthfulness, honouring their word, and maintaining congruence. These principles serve as unwavering guides, helping them navigate their path with clarity and purpose.

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Consider Mahatma Gandhi, whose commitment to non-violence and truthfulness was the bedrock of his philosophy. He lived by the principles he advocated, leading India to independence through peaceful means. His life exemplifies integrity, consistently honouring his word and demonstrating profound congruence between his beliefs and actions.

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Similarly, Nelson Mandela’s journey from prisoner to president illustrates remarkable integrity. After enduring 27 years of imprisonment, he emerged not with vengeance but with a vision for reconciliation and equality, showcasing his authenticity in promoting justice and his capacity to forgive.

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Then there’s Malala Yousafzai, the youngest Nobel laureate, who embodies courage and authenticity in her fight for girls' education. After surviving an assassination attempt, she didn’t retreat but instead became a global advocate for women's rights, demonstrating a fierce dedication to her principles.

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Martin Luther King Jr. also exemplified this integrity as a key figure in the Civil Rights Movement, practising what he preached through nonviolence and equality. His powerful speeches and actions reflected a deep commitment to his ideals, inspiring others to join him in pursuing justice.

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These leaders stand out for their achievements and unwavering commitment to living authentically and congruently with their values. They transcend personal ambition to create a lasting impact on the world, reminding us that integrity is the cornerstone of greatness.

Without integrity, all other traits and skills lose their true value. Expertise, talent, and dedication mean little if not applied with consistency and honesty. Integrity is the foundation that ensures these qualities are exercised authentically, building trust and credibility.

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It’s what transforms talent into mastery and makes dedication meaningful. Ultimately, integrity is the bedrock of sustained excellence, without which even the most impressive abilities fall short.

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Reliability is the backbone of any meaningful relationship. Imagine a friend who promises to meet you for coffee at a specific time. You adjust your day, and you're excited to catch up. But, as the time nears, they cancel.

At first, you might shrug it off—after all, things happen, right? But when this behaviour becomes a pattern, disappointment begins to overshadow your anticipation. Each cancellation stops being an inconvenience and starts reflecting their disregard for your time and how you fit into their priorities.

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Every letdown chips away at trust. Where once there was eagerness, now there’s a reluctance, even scepticism. This “moving of goalposts” doesn’t just affect your day-to-day—it creates a sense of instability in the relationship.

Each broken promise becomes an unspoken statement of disregard, and you rethink how much to invest in someone who consistently leaves you feeling undervalued.

This isn’t just about cancelled coffee dates. It speaks to something deeper: a lack of respect. Over time, repeated disappointment erodes even the most resilient bonds. It’s natural to eventually pull back or set boundaries as a form of self-protection.

These boundaries are not only practical; they’re essential for your well-being. Recognizing a pattern of inconsistency enables you to make more conscious choices about how and with whom you spend your time.

Now, imagine if this person honoured their commitments. They arrive as promised, reinforcing your trust with each follow-through. You feel respected and valued, knowing your time and effort aren’t taken for granted.

Consistency like this creates a foundation of reliability that strengthens all areas of the relationship, not just the superficial aspects. When someone reliably honours their word, they foster a sense of security beyond mere logistics.

This dependability nurtures openness, allowing you to invest emotionally without fearing disappointment. The predictability of their presence frees you from anxiety, making it easier to share your thoughts and feelings.

Knowing their word isn't flimsy, you can count on them in challenging times. This mutual respect and reliability form a cycle: they keep their promises, and you, in turn, reciprocate.

Honouring commitments is more than just showing up. It’s a mark of integrity and self-respect, a statement of one’s values, and a testament to the worth one places on one's relationships.

Upholding one’s word is foundational for building self-esteem. When we state an intention, whether it’s to ourselves or someone else, we are essentially making a promise to our future selves.

By following through on these commitments, we affirm our capability and reliability. This reinforces a belief in our potential and integrity. Conversely, when we fail to meet our obligations, especially to ourselves, we send a subtle yet powerful message:

“I don’t trust myself.”

This lack of trust creates a self-doubt cycle, where we question our abilities and intentions. It’s as if we’re saying that our word lacks value, which can lead to a diminished sense of self-worth. Expecting others to trust us becomes challenging if we cannot rely on ourselves.

When people consistently keep their promises, they build individual relationships and strengthen a broader reliability network. Their dependability becomes a part of their character, encouraging respect and admiration from those around them.

In the end, reliability creates a social fabric where everyone knows they can count on each other. It’s not just about showing up for coffee; it’s about creating a space where trust, integrity, and mutual respect form the foundation of every interaction.

This is the essence of a true relationship—where honouring one’s word is more than just punctuality; it’s a commitment to the people they care about and a reflection of who they are at their core.

I heard something profound recently, and I am paraphrasing here, but it went something like this.

Preparing to do the thing isn't doing the thing. Scheduling time to do the thing is not doing the thing.

Telling people you're going to do the thing isn't doing the thing.

Messaging friends who may or may not be doing the thing isn't doing the thing.

Writing a tweet or social media post about how you will do the thing isn't doing the thing.

Hating on yourself but not doing the thing isn't doing the thing.

The only thing that is doing The thing is ‘’Doing The Thing.’’

You can dress it up however you want and fluff it in every way to justify your lack of action.

But until you do what you say you’ll do, that thing remains undone, and with it, your inability to do what you say you’ll do.

Here's a deeper look at why this happens and how to build trust:

The Intention-Behavior Gap: Often, the gap between what people say and what they do stems from the intention-behaviour gap.

People might genuinely intend to keep their word. Still, they fall short when faced with unforeseen circumstances and changing priorities, which is prominent for many who say one thing and do another and are prone to the Intention v behaviour paradox.

Self-Deception: Rationalization can be a form of self-deception. People convince themselves that their reasons are valid, protecting their self-image and avoiding taking responsibility for the incongruency.

Building Trust: Trust hinges on following through on your word. Here's how to cultivate that:

Be Realistic: Only commit to what you're confident you can deliver. Thinking things through before committing is vital for ensuring your intentions align with your behaviour. This process helps prevent impulsive promises driven solely by fleeting emotions or desires. By assessing your capabilities and resources, you gain clarity on what you can realistically commit to without overextending yourself.

When intention and behaviour are disconnected, this leads to inconsistent actions. By carefully evaluating your commitments, you ensure that your behaviour remains consistent with your intentions, fostering reliability and trustworthiness.

This thoughtful approach also helps avoid setting unrealistic expectations for yourself and others, reducing the likelihood of disappointment and frustration.

Transparency: If something prevents you from keeping your word, communicate openly and honestly as soon as possible, explain clearly why the situation has changed, and rectify it as quickly as possible.

Focus on Actions: Actions speak louder than words. Consistently follow through on commitments, big or small. I tell every client, and now I am telling you. Turn the volume all the way down on people.

Turn the volume off and start to watch what people do, not what they say they’ll do. Words can be seductive, especially in the mouths of those we love—friends, family, partners, etc. We want so badly to believe what they say they mean, yet their actions suggest something else.

Our actions say more about us than our intentions, words, and promises ever can, so focus only on what people do. I stopped listening to people long ago and started watching what they do to the point where their actions spoke so loudly that I could no longer hear what they said.

It's important to remember that everyone makes mistakes. If you move the goalposts, sincerely apologize, explain the situation, and take steps to make it right. Acknowledging that mistakes are an inevitable part of being human is crucial. When you find yourself in a situation where you've shifted the goalposts or made an error, sincerity and accountability are paramount.

Firstly, offering a genuine apology is essential. Acknowledge your mistake and express remorse for any inconvenience or harm caused. Taking ownership of your actions demonstrates humility and respect for others.

Next, provide clarity by explaining the circumstances that led to the mistake. Transparency fosters understanding and helps rebuild trust. Whether it was a miscommunication, oversight, or misunderstanding, sharing the context can help mitigate misunderstandings and prevent similar issues.

Additionally, take proactive steps to rectify the situation. This might involve offering solutions, correcting errors, or compensating if necessary. Taking tangible actions to address the consequences of your mistake shows your commitment to making amends and rebuilding trust.

Finally, commit to learning from the experience. Reflect on what led to the mistake and identify areas for improvement. Use the situation as an opportunity for personal and professional growth and development.

By acknowledging your mistakes, taking corrective action, and learning from the experience, you demonstrate accountability and a commitment to continuous improvement, forming your character's bedrock.

It's the cornerstone upon which our relationships, achievements, and personal growth are built and sustained over time.

Summing up, I've delved into the layers of self-perception, accountability and integrity.

Continue to seek congruence, truth, and integrity as your North Star and watch how you level up as a high-value human being.

Until the next time, become a better version of your previous self.

Darren! x