Self-Mastery in EQ

I'm sure you've heard the terms "emotional intelligence" and "EQ" (emotional quotient) before. Essentially they involve your ability to manage your own emotions, as well as the emotions of others. Let me be clear by saying that in talking about managing the emotions of others I’m not referring to controlling someone else’s emotions, because you really can’t, nor would it be healthy for you to even want to; I’m talking about being cognizant of how your words and actions may affect others. I could go on and on about EQ and its place in our lives, especially in our interpersonal relationships, but instead I will just share with you some key bits of advice that I want you to grab onto, and hold in the forefront of your minds.

Be empathetic... but don't enable.

Let's start by defining empathy, and making the distinction from sympathy. Sympathy involves a feeling of concern for someone, and in reality is you feeling pity for that person. Empathy involves you putting yourself in that person's shoes and seeking to understand what they may be feeling. Sometimes we become so empathetic that we, without even realizing it, want to become the hero in that person's situation and save them.

I know I have done that myself in situations, where I felt like by gifting someone a coaching program, or a gym membership (both true examples), I could help lift them out of the funk they were in. And on both of those occasions it did not go the way I had hoped. Neither recipient put any real effort into using the tools provided, and upon reflection maybe they just weren't ready - despite the "cries for help". There are a bunch of reasons that people may constantly cry out for our help or complain, but not mobilize when presented with solutions; but that's another article for another day!

Sometimes it may be a situation where we see a colleague struggling and failing to get through their work tasks, because of challenges in their personal life. So we, in our empathy, offer to take up the mantle and help any way that we can. So we take on their tasks and ours, but instead of equipping them with the tools to manage both aspects of their lives, which is what is needed, we are instead enabling them. We pick up their slack, end up feeling burnt out and maybe even a little bit resentful, while robbing them of their agency and responsibility in solving their own problems.

Advocate for yourself... but don't start a war.

We’ve all been there – moments when we need to stand up for ourselves. Whether it’s about getting the recognition we deserve, the resources we need, or simply having our voices heard. Advocating for ourselves is crucial, but it’s important to do so without turning it into a battlefield, and the way to do that is to be respectful first and foremost.

A way to do this is by using the “sandwich” method. Where you start with something positive, bring up your point, and end with another positive note. So let’s say that recently you’ve been expected to work way past your usual hours or you’re expected to add even more to your already full plate. You can say to your manager, “I really appreciate your confidence in my ability to complete these tasks or projects; I am feeling somewhat stretched right now and am concerned that it will lead to burnout and my inability to keep the momentum going. I’m confident we can figure out a solution to achieve our goals in a healthier, more sustainable way.”

When considering how to communicate your needs, it's also really important to be aware of the timing of that conversation. Do it when you are level-headed and calm, not when you are feeling most pressured, resentful or frustrated. Also, be confident in your delivery and be sure to convey your thoughts clearly.

Always seek to understand, but this doesn't mean you have to give in.

Seeking to understand is about fostering open communication and building strong relationships. But here’s the catch – understanding someone’s perspective doesn’t mean you have to agree or give in to every demand. There are those who will bring down heaven and earth though, because for them, unless you are in agreement with them, or giving in to their demands, you aren’t being a team player.

Consider a scenario where a colleague wants to change a process that you know works perfectly well. Listen to their reasons, seek to understand their perspective, but if after careful consideration you still believe the current process is best, it’s okay to stick to your guns. You might say, “I see where you’re coming from and appreciate your input. However, based on the current workflow and the results we’re achieving, I believe sticking with our existing process is the best course of action. Let’s revisit this in a few months and see if anything has changed.”

This approach shows respect for their opinion while maintaining your professional stance. It’s about finding that balance between being open-minded and firm.

Learn to let things go!

Now, this might be the hardest lesson of all, but it’s crucial for your sanity and long-term success: learn to let things go. Not every battle is worth fighting, and not every issue is worth holding onto. How many of you have had an experience that every time you think of it you just cringe. You can feel all the emotions from the experience as though it was happening all over again. Whether it was a big faux pas, a huge mess up, or something thoroughly embarrassing, we have all had one of those.?

And I think it’s safe to say that we’ve all at some point allowed one of these experiences to linger in our minds for too long, rather than just taking the lesson from it, perhaps laughing at ourselves, and letting it go. Here’s the deal: holding onto these moments only adds unnecessary stress and hinders your ability to move forward. Think of it this way – if you’re holding onto a grudge or a mistake, you’re carrying extra baggage that slows you down.

Next time you find yourself dwelling on something that didn’t go right, take a deep breath, learn what you can from the experience, and then let it go. Even try to find some humor in it if possible. I have a few friends I run to for this. Whenever something super embarrassing happens to me, that I know is also a big mess up, I call one of the friends that is going to have a good cackle with me about it.?

Just let things go and channel your energy into new opportunities and challenges instead.

Another aspect of learning to let things go is allowing other people to have their moods, and not allowing those moods to affect you. Remember that the ways that people treat you do not always have anything to do with you, as a matter of a fact, they very rarely do. So let it go! Be quietly empathetic… without enabling, because no matter what someone is going through that doesn’t give them the right to treat you poorly, but not everyone is as emotionally intelligent as you are, or as you will be certainly by the end of this article, so do what I do: say a small prayer for them that they get past whatever is causing the bad attitude or mood or whatever, and let it go. Don’t allow it to turn your day into a bad one.?

I worked with some young doctors while I was working at our island's COVID Hospital, and in that setting we were under a constant barrage of “bad moods” from people who were scared, felt inconvenienced, wanted what they wanted and wanted it now, you name it. And it could be very bad for our morale at times. One day I said to my colleagues, whatever is happening around you, can happen around you, just don’t let it get inside of you. And I went on to explain the importance of just letting things go, as I have here with you. Don’t let it get deep inside, don’t let it change you into a miserable person with a short fuse. It takes some effort, because some personalities can be very trying and difficult to deal with, but it isn’t impossible. Just let it go.

Navigating interpersonal relationships and demonstrating a high level of emotional intelligence requires empathy, self-advocacy, understanding, and the ability to let things go. But it also requires you to be firm, strategic, and sometimes, a bit light hearted to navigate the complexities of life.

My advice? Keep a cupful of grace handy, stand up for yourself with confidence, seek to understand with an open heart, and most importantly, let go of what doesn’t serve you.

You're welcome!

Lesley,??