SELF-INCOMPATIBILITY
John Lemerele, CPP?
Fraud Risk & Forensic Services Professional | Corporate Security & Investigations Leader | Leadership Coach & Situational Awareness Specialist | Driving Business Growth & Protecting Value | Rotarian | Author.
“To study the way is to study the self. To study the self is to forget the self. To forget the self is to be enlightened by all things. To be enlightened by all things is to remove the barriers between one's self and others.” – Dogen,?2002
This is a mechanism mostly used by plants to reject pollen from other species and accept only those that are from the same species, hence the name “Self-incompatibility”?(SI) (R, 2012). So, how does this apply to humans?
This could be translated into two modes of life; those looking for a relationship and those looking to find themselves.
Self-Incompatibility & Finding a Partner
Human beings are social animals. We long to be loved and to love someone. Yet in 2018, there were around 18 divorces per 1,000 marriages in the US only (Statista, 2019). Why is that so?
This is where incompatibility comes in; not just between partners, but with your own self too. Two people could have a similar mindset, but might just be looking for someone who thinks differently or vice versa. The image that Hollywood has portrayed about two people who are meant for each other think alike isn't really true every time.
It all comes down to who wants what at the end of the day.
When finding a partner, many people just jump in and wing it. They evaluate the other person on a trial-and-error basis. A relationship with a good start doesn’t necessarily mean that it will stay good, or one with a terrible start doesn’t mean that things won’t get better. However, most problems arise in relationships because people don’t remain as they were in the beginning.
This problem can be avoided if either person in a relationship looks at themselves before stepping in and understanding what they’re compatible with. Once they know that, they can test those things out in the beginning, instead of having to deal with the mess of breakups or divorces. This is the concept of self-incompatibility and how it can help when finding a partner.
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Self-Incompatibility & Finding Yourself
When it comes to finding yourself through self-incompatibility, it is a fairly easy step. Depending on your approach toward achieving self-awareness, you can tackle this before or after thought and emotional awareness.
The main idea here is to analyze yourself in terms of your skills, traits, likes, dislikes and more. The better you know your do’s your don’ts, your wills your won’ts, the better the decisions you’ll make.
The benefit of this step is that just by understanding this better, you will be well on your way toward introspection.
Keep your goals in check, though. If you’re trying to become more self-aware, your goal is realization; not doing something about it. At this point, you need to understand your flaws. If you are able to point out you eat too much or too little, have difficulty conversing with people or are too weak, take that as a win. This is all you need to do when trying to find yourself.?
Accept the problem and go one of two ways; do something and try to fix it or mold yourself in a manner such that you can live with that problem. Understand the consequences and live with them as you will. This part is outside the scope of this book, so I won’t delve much deeper into it.
As you can see, the self-incompatibility principle aims to help you root your problems out from within; recognize them.
Remember, introspection is all about understanding who you are as a person and your internal limitations. These may include your intellect, emotional tendencies, anger and other traits.