"Self-image" by Maarten Jurriaanse

This article was published in Blue Sky Republic 's Newsletter December 2022 edition.

A few weeks ago, I, Maarten Jurriaanse , asked my fellow Blue Sky Republic editors to provide me with a question related to the Self-Image theme we were working on that month. I had been procrastinating my contributions lately, so I thought this procedure would kickstart my writing and create a little more dialogue in the articles. And so, Morgan Duta and Wouter Smeets gave me some tough questions to chew on. First, Morgan asked me:

“What’s been your biggest change in self-image?” “Does your self-image match other people’s actual image of Maarten?”

And then Wouter followed up with no easier variation on the same question:

“Do you think you have your best self-image, or someone else have a better Maarten-image? How well do you know yourself?”

My biggest change in self-image occurred during a personal leadership training that I was following about a decade ago. I signed up for this intense, 3-day training because career wise, I was somewhat lost. I was running a modestly successful company, enjoying my warm family, and had just completed a master’s degree, but was struggling to find a new direction. Looking back, it seems I was entrenched in the frame of my identity being defined by my professional accomplishments — and more importantly; how these compared to others. This frame defined my self-worth… Not a great cocktail for self-love.

The arena, the pitch and the commentator box

One of the visualisation-tools discussed during the training — and which still helps me navigate my self-image — pictures a big arena filled with spectators, a commentator in a box high-up in the stands and a team of players enjoying an undefined game on a lush green field. Intuitively I realised that I was acting primarily from the commentary-box position; I wasn’t really participating in the passionate game being played down below.

The training helped me learn to find my way down from the commentator box and join the play. To do so, I had to overcome some mindsets and demons along the way, but I’ve learned to do so with more curiosity instead of self-loathing and anger. I learned to navigate the paradox of both engaging with the play on the field as well as stepping out, circle upwards and take a more compassionate bird’s eye view towards my self-image; accept its passing tides; regard it with positive curiosity and avoid attaching any existential significance to its temporary snapshots.

Tuesday One

The trick is to learn to how to switch between thinking and doing — and I mean that literally. In those days I sensed myself mainly as a brain with a clumsy, overweight body to carry it around. What helped me operate my self-image after the personal leadership training was my commitment to joining a football (soccer) team called Tuesday One: a group of remarkable men whom I view as my parallel family. Yes, all mostly white, middle-aged, rather well to do men, no women involved. Socially incorrect maybe, but neurally diverse and intense nonetheless.

Joining a football team sounds simple, but I had to overcome my imposter syndrome; First: I was, and still am, not a gifted soccer player. Second: I had to engage with a totally new and tight-knit group of friends. Third: enjoy ‘playing’ while being fully aware of my technical and physical limitations.

The cool thing about football is that when playing, the commentator falls from its box immediately: when the first ball rolled towards me, the body took over and my thinking switched towards action, not reflection. During our weekly team play, we are nothing but our true selves; all good and bad emotions flow to the surface. Which creates strong bonds and connects us on a different level; we see our purest selves and others. There is no hiding.

The physical and mental experience of play, a kind of ‘forgetting’ of time and place, or Flow as it’s sometimes called; felt like a reunion of body and spirit; as if two selves had merged after a long separation. This unification was in my view the precondition to build a more compassionate self-view.

So, to answer Morgan’s first question: my biggest change in self-image was a shift from a commentator to a player. Not a perfect one, but an ‘enjoying’ one to this day.

Her second, or sub question: ‘does your self-image match how others see you?’ — is a little harder to answer at first sight, but not impossible. The easiest would be to ask others and then match their answers to mine. While that may reveal a lot, it doesn’t essentially alter the self-image directly, because in essence self-image, or my sense of self, is shaped both by self-expression: what I tell myself, and my interpretation of how others tell me how they see me.

Shame

What makes it hard for most of us to answer self-image questions is that internal processes play out largely on a semi, or subconscious level; we never really think about it very deeply. Or better: we don’t really WANT to think about it too much because it’s confronting and touches on the nerve of our existence. A lot of this has to do with shame, which is — according to Brené Brown–the birthplace of evil, narcissism, bullying and violence as well as beauty, creativity, innovation and change.

To improve our self-image, we must climb down the stands and plainly look our shame in the eye. My shame is not directly visible to you, but it may explain some of my negative as well as positive behaviours. For example: I can be terribly tempered, impatient and sharp, usually due to a tendency for perfectionism and a persistent weakness of fearing to be ridiculed, forgotten or ignored. When caught off guard, my response to such fears can cause a puffed-up ego, poor listening, defensiveness, and/or tantrums. Rest assured, I will do my best not to display these behaviours explicitly, but they can spill over on occasions of perceived threat, pressure, stress, anxiety, etcetera…

The other side is true as well: my fear informs my capability to admire and explore. I can truly admire people whole-heartedly for what they do and even more so, for what I believe they CAN do. At those moments I can forget myself, my self-interpretation or self-judgement; I really try to be with that other person, see what they see and even try to stand on their shoulders and share my enthusiasm about the potential that lies ahead of them glistening in the sun.

Key to improving self-image I think is the ability to circle upwards and downwards; engaging with our shame as well as being able to step out of an emotion and look at the situation from above to understand our automatic responses with compassion and visualise a way out.

Now let’s get back to Wouter’s question whether someone else might have a better image of me than I do?

An important element that I haven’t addressed so far is the fact that we cannot engage with our self-image without engaging with the people surrounding us. They can help lift us up, which requires some vulnerability from both helper and receiver, but key is recognising the need and stepping up to it. I hope and believe we can all do both, but it seems some are better helpers than others. I’m not sure if the traits of such helpers can be generalised, but there is some evidence that in each community or organisation, there are people who are sought out for help and who are capable to truly lift their peers without asking or getting much credit for it. Even though I see them as true leaders, these are not usually the formal and/or esteemed leaders in the limelight– it may even be true that such leaders can only do what they do because they thrive in shadows, rather than spotlights…

Friends

In my case, it was the friend who introduced me to the football team. He has a clear and honest — but most of all compassionate picture of who I am. He knows my capabilities and incapabilities, traits and flaws and the cool thing is; he’s not trying to fix or change me. He just knew how to lift me and he reached out when I needed it. He helped me change my course. I am grateful.

In short; self-image is not a fixed frame, but an instrument that can be improved by activating the whole system within and around us; with our body on the pitch, with our shame from beneath, with our curiosity and compassion from above and with the people surrounding us; some can lift you up when the self-image is in need.

Look out for those special friends, or reach out to someone when you think you can.

With thanks to Morgan Duta for asking tough questions and finding the words to write this.

Written by Maarten Jurriaanse

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