Self-Help is a SCAM

Where Self-Help Falls Short

Don’t get me wrong. I love me some empowerment. I do believe I have the power to call a lot of the shots in my own life. But today’s self-helpers are starting to sound eerily similar. They’re saying:

·???????Buck up! You got this.

·???????You were made for more!

·???????Visualize it, and you can make it happen.

·???????Wash your face.

·???????Believe in yourself! You gotta grind!

·???????Lean in.

·???????Manifest your dreams!

Part of me loves every crystal-toting ounce of it. But another, more cynical part of me is calling “bullshit.” Here’s why.

1. Self-Help is a Business

Let’s face it. If they’re asking you to pay for a service, self-helpers have an incentive to maximize their own personal profit over actually helping. So, we must always keep a critical eye, sift through the material and decide what’s credible. When there are no scientific studies or hard data backing up claims, you’ve got to be a little skeptical.

Granted, traditional, supposedly “science-backed” medicine?is also?market-driven. Even briefly watching network television, with its myriad pharmaceutical company advertisements, will convince you of this. Are you experiencing these symptoms? Ask your doctor about this drug?by name! It will solve all your problems!

With the profit motive, the incentive for both the self-help and pharmaceutical industries is not on creating real change, but?creating the perception of real change.?Or creating the demand for real change. Once they have either of those, they have our money — our testimonial — or both. Game over.

So the next time someone tries to sell you a self-love workshop, remember that you’re not going to get over a lifetime of feeling inadequate in a single weekend. You might feel better about your inadequacy in the short term, but it will probably come back again.

But fear not! There’s another retreat for that.

Just being a full-time advice-giver creates a conflict of interest because it is insanely difficult to achieve extraordinary success?both in one’s field of expertise, and also in the field of giving advice. At some point, the major claim to fame for most of these self-helpers has to be their advice-giving business.

So they’re going to focus on how to sell that to you, a.k.a. creating demand for personal growth, and creating perception of personal growth. Not on actually how to grow personally.

2. Self-Help Offers Conflicting Advice

Some self-helpers say you should set goals, be more disciplined, grind it out. Some argue for more relaxation, more recreation, more presence, more mindfulness. Minimalism or luxury? Family or career? Faith or self?

What do they all have in common? They’re offering quick fixes to fairly complicated problems. The reason the self-help industry is so over-simplified is because selling empowerment is a pretty diffuse concept.

You see, nobody out there knows exactly what you specifically need, but they can guess at what your customer avatar needs. Your market demographic.

They’ll sell to a specific segment of the population who buy their book or program — because it looks, feels and sounds like what they need.

If your problem is that you can never get off the couch, maybe you need goals. But maybe you’re depressed, and goals won’t help. Or, maybe you’re grinding too hard and need yoga, mindfulness, and to slow down. But maybe trying yoga will just make you fixated on yoga. You won’t slow down at all, you’ll just frantically pursue this new obsession.

One size certainly does not fit all in self-help, and we certainly cannot follow all of this advice at once.

3. Self-Help is Outcome-Oriented

Desires are healthy, beautiful things. But attachment to specific outcomes means we believe we absolutely need or depend on something arbitrary to happen for our very existence.

Here’s what attachment to outcomes sounds like:

“I am so important that I need to have this car. This car means I am successful. This car helps identify me.”

Or, “I need a relationship. Without a romantic partner, I cannot be happy.”

In one self-help book I read, the author describes how he saw, admired, practically wanted to?be?this man who was driving A BMW M3. So that became his goal. To be the man driving the BMW M3.

He had no idea if the man with the BMW was miserable. More than likely, he was. But he had that car! So he must be happy.

The author describes how he went out and earned money until he could afford the car. And buying one became this huge moment for him, this milestone.

Heck. I am all for celebration, treating yo’ self, and milestones.

But what if he hadn’t been able to afford that car? Or, what if, in the process of earning his own money, he made the conclusion that?the car never really mattered anyway? It was the man he became while trying to afford it?

I was so hoping that was the punchline!

But, the logical extrapolation of this story is that if he hadn’t bought it, by his standards, he would have failed.

This is why identifying with a fixed image of success creates a false illusion. We create an idea of “the perfect life” that simply does not exist.

When life becomes less about the journey and more about the destination, you know you’re starting to fall into goal-oriented attachment. We are ever-changing people. There are things outside our control. Our ideas about what is good and right might even change. So, attachment to specific outcomes like a car, a relationship, or a designer bag are arbitrary. They only cause us unnecessary pain and suffering.

4. Self-Help Caters to the Un-Fixable

Let’s talk about two fictional characters, Max and Sarah. Their self-help journeys will show you why the Sarahs of the world are fix-able with self-help, but the Maxes of the world are not. Sadly, self-help profits?most?from people like Max, even though self-help can never actually?help?people like Max.

Here is the fundamental difference between Max and Sarah:

·???????Max believes something is wrong with him, at the core.

·???????Sarah believes she’s generally a good person, with some problems and blind spots that need attention right now.

·???????Max assumes?every choice he makes is bad?because he is fundamentally flawed. He cannot be trusted, and he’ll never be able to trust himself, nor his instincts.

Sarah, on the other hand, simply looks at the string of bad choices and mistakes throughout her life that led her to this point. She decides to make better choices, and she believes she is powerful to do so.

Like George Costanza on opposite day, the only way Max can?ever?make good choices is by following some formula, word-for-word. It might even feel illogical to him. Max has to throw out every ounce of who he is. Because, at his very core, he knows he is all wrong.

Can you see how Max’s conviction about desperateness, depravity, and his fundamental self-doubt can lead to all kinds of self-sabotaging behaviour?

·???????He’s more likely to blindly follow a guru in the name of faith.

·???????It’s possible he will suspend critical thought.

·???????He can’t be trusted, so he is fully reliant on the saviour or philosophy as the only thing that can help him out of his dire situation.

In continuing to perceive himself as “bad,” Max will never feel okay. He will never fully trust himself to make good choices. So he needs more self-help, an accountability partner, coaching, small group meetings, more yoga, more meditation. He becomes dependent on whatever it is that he thinks is helping. Even though none of it is helping.

Everything Max does will only reinforce his self-doubt. At best, all he can hope for is to cover up or suppress his inferiority and shame.

But Sarah can make meaningful changes in her life, because she starts from a place of self-acceptance.

·???????She is a basically good person, who makes mistakes.

·???????She can finally feel “okay” once she learns a few basic lessons.

But she’s not lucrative for the self-help industry, because she doesn’t need the teacher, self-helper, retreat anymore. She’s independent now, because she is empowered, clear, and sure of herself. She rests in her personal power to make the right decisions. She’ll check in now and again, but she’s not a “big spender” on self-help programs.

I’m not saying the Maxes of the world are lost causes! But what Max needs goes beyond self-help. He needs a real paradigm shift. I’m no psychologist, but I’ve heard of people like Max who’ve been helped by approaches like Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), traditional talk therapy, hypnosis, and EMDR. Self-help and church is just going to keep Max where he is — in a dependent state. He’ll never be able to take control of his situation with these approaches.

5. It’s Just a Big Swap

Marty, Sheila, and Stan will illustrate my next point, about how a lot of self-help often just swaps one problem for another.

Let’s say Marty joins a self-help program as an alcoholic who is unable to hold a job. When he’s done, he’s meditating and doing yoga five hours a day. He’s still unable to hold a job. Has he fixed his problem? I’d say no, if he doesn’t also find a way to pay the bills. He has simply replaced one neuroticism with another, slightly healthier neuroticism.

Shelia gave up a life on the streets and now goes to church without fail every Sunday. These days, instead of turning tricks, Shelia projects her feelings of inadequacy onto others who don’t go to church. “Good people” go to church, she reasons. She judges anyone who doesn’t choose her brand and sect of religion as not having “arrived.”

Stan had a horrible marriage, until he went to a marriage seminar with a well-known self-help guru. He bought VIP passes to meet the guru. He paid, got a photo with the guru, and posted it to his Instagram. When he can, he travels the country, going to all the seminars led by this guru — even coaching other men by telling them his story. He’s working on his coaching certification with this guru’s program, so he can help other men who are struggling. His marriage fell apart and he’s now divorced, but he doesn’t care. He’s found his purpose in life through helping others.

What do Marty, Shelia, and Stan all have in common? They’ve done The Big Swap. They’ve traded in one problem for another, without actually ever fixing their problem. This is called “transference.” It creates the perception of progress, but does not create actual meaningful progress.

6. It’s Not Rooted in Peace

Self-help doesn’t:

·???????… tell you what to do when all the hard work in the world can’t get you what you want,

·???????… touch on what happens when you get what you wanted, but it feels empty, or

·???????… describe what happens when you sacrifice your health, family, or something else you hold dear in the name of your goals.

It’s a “look at me and what I accomplished” culture, and it’s full of ego, comparison, and the prosperity gospel. The idea is, if I earned it, I must deserve it. I’m the chosen one!

But this spirals us out of peace, and into grasping.

It makes failure depressing. We beat ourselves up because we can’t “get it right” in our own lives.

But sadness, lulls, valleys, even losses of energy are just part of the journey. They are not something to always, actively avoid.

In the same way, a lot of self-help gets mixed up with the diet culture and fitness outcomes. The idea is that we shouldn’t respect people who don’t stick with their diets, stay fit, or fit a certain dress size. One self-help book I read suggested that we cannot rely on “these people” to stick with anything.

The outcome, a thin body, carries righteousness. Fatness carries the shame of moral failure and demeans anyone who struggles to — or doesn’t want to — lose weight.

But over-identification with our bodies looking or performing a certain way is a recipe for misery, because our bodies are fluid. As we age, experience stress, have babies etc. our bodies also change. They are not fixed. With perfecting our bodies, the destination is so subjective, it’s impossible to reach. The end point is aging and death! Someone will always be fitter or thinner. The idea has to be to love the body you’re in right now. To be grateful for it, and what it does for you.

You’ll probably never be able to say, “I’ve arrived. I’ve realized my full potential. Now I am actually my best self, living my best life.”

But if we’re?only okay as long as we are striving, as long as we’re in the grind, we’ve attached ourselves to striving and grinding.

And constant movement wears us out. It never allows us to say to ourselves, “I do something valuable. I lead a meaningful life. I don’t have to strive to become something else. I am at peace.”

It’s a delicate balance, this understanding that we’ll never arrive, but can sometimes rest. It’s only for those who are in it for the long-haul. It takes mental toughness, with a healthy dose of self-knowledge and self-respect.

There’s so much pressure in modern society to perform and to be productive, to be efficient, that we don’t allow ourselves to celebrate. To have peace. To rest. Personally, I know I need to actively eschew any self-help that pathologizes the normal ebbs and flows of energy that will inevitably occur over my lifetime.

The Problem with Self-Help Gurus

There’s a tendency among self-help gurus to sell you an inspiring narrative that mirrors these lines:

“My life was a total mess. I hit rock bottom and did not know what to do. But one day I woke up, and did something totally different. Now my life is amazing.

You there, with your messed-up and miserable life, you can be like me and have an amazing, perfect life if you just read my book, take my course, and follow my advice. I promise you it will change your life like it has for the other million people I helped. All the secrets are right here with me. Question is, do you want them?”

You hear those words and your eyes sparkle in awe and wonder.

Somehow, you feel inspired. You feel like the flood gates of heaven have?finally?flung open and hope is rushing into your heart.

Especially now, when you’re?really?struggling. When you’re exhausted of this never-ending lifeless cycle you’ve been living for what seems like forever. When you’re working two jobs to make ends meet. When you’re shattered from yet another relationship break-up. When you’re petrified of yet another failure striking you in the face.

These gurus, don’t they seem to descend upon you, with the glow of angles, at a time when you’re so desperately searching for a hint of light? They find you at your lowest, and with their mesmerizing energy, they engulf you with hypnotizing charm and haul you back up on your two feet.

But that feeling, it’s ever-so-fleeting — because while their words have the power to move you, their effects wear off as fast as water drips down your hands.

The gurus captivate you, raise your energy, and shower you with tips and tricks, but do they ever offer you more than a meagre momentary fix?

Do they offer you the necessary tools and strategies you can use to sustainably build the right home for yourself over the long run? No — most of the time, it’s just commonly known recycled thoughts written on paper or spoken out loud.

The thing is, once you’ve been exposed to their charm, you’re suddenly brimming with a temporary dose of high confidence. But in the shock of it all, you’ve failed to notice the shackles they’ve just placed around your ankles — the nicotine that will have you begging for more.

And now your eyes are veiled and you’re blind to the truth.

And that’s why you fail to realize how no one has all the answers, and anyone who claims that they do is selling a fabricated version of their story and is a genuine fraud seeking to capitalize on a market opportunity or monetize on someone else’s vulnerability.

?

7. It Over-Personalizes

This is probably my biggest beef with self-help. But it also offers maybe the most exciting alternative, for those of us passionate enough to care. Let me explain.

Most self-help out there today individualizes what are actually social problems. We’re offering coping mechanisms for people to try and deal with circumstances that aren’t really worth coping with.

For example, I eat a good diet, drink plenty of water, avoid alcohol and cook at home most nights.

I also have health insurance, so I could start that treatment with a good chiropractor when my back went out. My cousin is a dentist, and helped me find a reputable endodontist to revise my root canal. I had money in the bank, so I could pay for the Lice Lady to come to my house to treat my entire family.

Life coaching, psychotherapy, mindfulness — even self-care — is a very individualistic pursuit. When I do it, I’m alone. And wouldn’t you know it, when I’m done, my wallet is often noticeably thinner.

As a privileged, white, middle-class woman, it can be hard to disentangle structural from personal. Here’s why:

·???????I can easily get a halfway decent job, my family has supported me in times of difficulty, and I typically don’t fear law enforcement officials will take my life. These are immense structural privileges.

·???????I grew up in a patriarchal church where only men could hold leadership positions, politics were right-wing and theology was hellfire and damnation. My group’s response to issues like women’s lib was to further restrict women’s rights. Structural disadvantages.

We’ve all heard the metaphor of putting on your oxygen mask on the airplane, and know: you have to put the mask on yourself before putting it on the child.

You have to love yourself before you’re capable of helping others.

This is totally accurate. Some people definitely need to improve themselves, to get to know themselves, before they can do anything meaningful.

But just like all self-help, it’s not a one-size-fits-all. It’s not even something we always have to do in sequential order, like the oxygen mask.

The problem today is that some people are putting on the masks, helping themselves, anesthetizing themselves to the fact that the airplane is going down.

Very few are getting up from the chair, noticing the pilots have passed out and the plane is about to crash.

That’s because self-help treats the symptoms, not the cause.

If your guru or self-help author is preaching empowerment, yet doing nothing to address these structural issues, you have an incomplete solution.

If you believe in any type of spiritual higher power — even if your belief system is science alone — you understand that we are all connected like a living organism.

This means that when anyone suffers, if the plane is indeed going down,?we’re all going to suffer.

Privileged people only add to the collective suffering when we focus on the inner critic, the quest for perfection or all the things going wrong in the big bad world.