Self-Examination: Seven problem solving steps for assessing a man’s anger

I never thought much about how intimidating a man’s anger could be, until I watched the movie, Fireproof. The husband and wife were getting into a heated discussion after a gradual buildup of days with ignoring one another.

In this climatic scene, the lady actor is yelling loudly, and getting in her spouse’s face. In response, the man becomes overwhelmed by the constant barrage of verbal insults being hurled at him.

The couple are now close to a wall. 

This guy, having had enough, hits his hand violently against it, with a scream that is palpable. His wife stops immediately because of being horrified by the reaction, and starts to weep uncontrollably.  

1. Is this your experience?
2. Are your family members scared, or walk on eggshells around you?
3. Do you feel shame, after having argued with your wife/girlfriend, or another important female in your life?
4. Would you like to find alternative ways to handle conflict calmly, instead of explosive anger?

I remembered feeling intimidated in a similar manner. Consequently, I went on a personal quest to understand what healthy relationships are, and to manage male/female conflict in an honorable way, instead of repeating the same mistakes this couple made in anger.     

Throughout my ten years combined experience as a relationship coach, mental health therapist, and TBRI trauma-informed practitioner, I have learned that when a man cannot use his voice, or does not have the vocabulary to, he simply, turns to anger, as well as, isolation, and numbing behaviors, or combines all three, which is also typical. 

Specifically, regarding a man’s anger; this behavioral approach becomes a survival strategy a fella grows accustomed to using.   

Imagine your anger, or someone you love at the moment. How does it make you/others feel?

Try asking yourself what happens before, during, and after.  

My clinical analysis of a man’s anger: The intimidation factor alone, of this explosive emotion immediately stops the verbal onslaught of this escalating interaction, which is overwhelming him. Since the man cannot express or admit that a situation feels unsafe, or is unpredictable, he then, uses his body size and tone to intimidate. Very quickly, uncontrollable/raging anger becomes an automatic coping strategy because this guy has no alternative means of releasing the built-up frustration or overwhelm. And, it becomes worse, not better, without intervention.   

Self-Examination: Seven problem solving steps for assessing a man’s anger:

1)     Self-Examination: Is it your go to emotion, and do you use its power over others because of not knowing how to use your words?

2)     Log your anger episodes for one week in a journal, or another record keeping device. What happens before, during, and after the blowup?

3)     Ask yourself honestly, if the response you are getting is drawing your loved ones to you, or is making them feel afraid.

4)     For those closest to you, inquire genuinely about your anger. Do they feel it is appropriate, or inappropriate, and give reasons/examples?

5)     See from an objective friend’s perspective, how well your anger management system is working.

6)     Give yourself mercy if you have never conducted an anger self-assessment before. It shows courage on your behalf. 

7)     Seek out professional help if needed. It may be an indication that there is complex trauma fueling these unresolved and unmanageable emotions.

By being courageous enough to conduct this anger Self-Examination, and admitting honesty to yourself that there are much better ways of handling conflict, you will soon discover being angry does not have the same control over your behavior it once had.       

Thank you for reading.

Your thoughts are very appreciated.

Researcher’s Bio

Karen Bontrager helps 16-24-year-old men make permanent shifts in their behavior from merely surviving in life to thriving through transparent coaching/counseling in one-on-one conversations and in group work, and through topic sensitive workshops. With this ontological approach, I partner with my clients to discover their essence, (aka highest and best self) by powerfully reflecting and listening to them. My clients quickly learn how to generate self-awareness and to voice their own relationship needs in a clear, constructive way by learning key coaching techniques/evidenced based counseling approaches/tools to work past their traumatic events and addictions to move forward. The clients are then equipped to develop healthy relationships with key relationships: parents/siblings/friends, and with intimate dating partners because they have learned how to proactively use their voice.