On self-examination (Part 2 of 2)

Welcome to Part 2 of the Jimmy Story. I’ll pick up where we left off.

In the last article, I touched on the importance of seeing fear for what it is: a creation of our own making; one we can choose to control – or at the very least, choose how to respond to. I also mentioned how most truly successful people move beyond their fears, and that, in large part, is a contributing factor to their overall successes. Leaving your comfort zone is often needed to reach your objectives. Staying put will only get you the same results, which may get you very little in the end.

I also wrote of the importance of being able to adapt to the unexpected. Having the confidence to handle the unexpected and to adapt to what we’re faced with will determine how successful we’ll be.

Let’s move on with this passage from the story:

“I had to think fast; so I raised my hands to show him my open palms in a gesture that I meant him no harm; and the first thing I thought of saying was, “You look cold. Let me grab a blanket for you. I’m not here to hurt you…just here to help.”?I slowly walked to the trunk of my police cruiser and opened it to grab a blanket. Jimmy glared at me intensely but didn’t attack. He watched my every move with drool seeping from his mouth.

I showed him the blanket and walked up…extending it to him. He took it, wrapped himself in it, and immediately calmed down. That was a “Thank you God!” moment that made me feel somewhat better, but I knew I still had a big problem on my hands. Jimmy was still in pain; and although I had been on the job for only a couple of years, I knew better than to drop my guard with him. He hated the police and I was in full uniform right down to the hat I wore on the top of my head. If he was a bull, I was the matador, and my uniform the?red target?he had come to attack so often. I had to take advantage of what seemed like a crack in the door of trust. So I pushed at that crack and asked Jimmy, “Why don’t I drive you to the hospital? You look like you’re in pain, and the ambulance is not coming back for you. You can ride up front with me.” Call me na?ve, brave or simply stupid – the words came out of my mouth before I had time to completely assess the situation in which I had just placed myself. The hospital was only a few blocks away; but with Jimmy as my passenger, that would be a dangerously long ride. Jimmy got into the front passenger’s seat, bowed his head, and sobbed.

I called my new destination in to the dispatcher and alerted the control center that I had Jimmy on board. The urgent comments from my fellow officers clogged the air band making it next to impossible to hear anyone, but every one or two seconds a few words actually got through… phrases like “you’re crazy,” “he’s dangerous,” and “meet you at the hospital.” Jimmy and I arrived at the hospital a few minutes later without incident; and I walked my passenger into the emergency branch and demanded a room with a door I could close behind us, out of proximity to other patients. I felt that would be safest. The nurse obliged us after she recognized who my passenger was, and I made sure to close the door behind us. Jimmy sat down in a chair and a doctor walked in just then to ask him for his symptoms, whispered in my ear there was nothing he could do for Jimmy and left to get a sugar-based pill, wanting Jimmy out as soon as possible.

Moments later the door swung open and in rushed four of my colleagues ready to fight the vicious beast who had been my passenger. They looked like the keystone cops, and their aggression immediately provoked a once-calm Jimmy into springing from his chair seething at the mouth, with fists clenched and ready to fight. He threw off his blanket and the room suddenly became tense and unpredictable like two gangs about to beat each other up. The bull was about to attack!

?I placed myself between my colleagues and Jimmy and raised my hands waist height and shouted, “Back off!” to my fellow officers. “I’ve got this under control. Get out now. You’ll know if and when I need you.” And they did. Things don’t normally move quickly in hospitals in such a case as this, but the doctor did want us ALL out of there; and he returned a half-hour later, gave Jimmy a shot of something, told him he should feel better soon and left.”

*Let’s stop here for a moment. In this case, I could have chosen a couple of different options, each resulting in significantly different outcomes. Running for my cruiser (not the best option) would have surely motivated the bull to attack its prey, and I would not have made it inside safely anyway. That I knew from my training. It would have also been a sign of weakness and of fear - and in cases like this, that’s the last thing you want to project when faced with resistance. You want to remain in control of your emotions to allow you to think logically as opposed to losing it and reacting solely on emotion or fear. In my case, I had to think of something else ‘on the spot’ or I was toast. Next option? Face the beast and fight. But where would that have led me to? Likely to the same hospital I was going to take Jimmy to. Not the best way to spend my shift. Another option? Pulling my gun out. Facing fire with a tank. Best option? No. We’ve seen how overreacting to situations using lethal force ends. Not good, and in this case, unjustified. Keep this in mind as you read on. Overreacting has consequences. Remaining calm and focused helps build bridges and leads to problem-solving and solutions, whether in life or in business.

Examining your world for a moment, you may not be standing a few feet away from a hulk of a criminal foaming at the mouth ready to pounce on you, but you may be facing an adversary who has his/her best interests in mind and could care less about your welfare or outcome. This could involve a negotiation you’re a party to, a dispute, or any number of life situations. Remaining confident, in control and choosing not to show fear will level the playing field. By trying to connect positively with the other person, you’ll demonstrate that you’re there for the long run, ready to work on solutions and won’t be intimidated into submission. Raising my hands and showing my open palms to Jimmy as a sign that I meant him no harm, followed by identifying a need he had (the need for a blanket and warmth) went a long way in calming the beast within him. In the few seconds it took to do that, it affected Jimmy to the point where he didn’t attack. Rather, he waited to see what would happen next.

In your world, your ‘Jimmy’ moment may look very different than mine: perhaps for you it’s a face to face meeting that may have unexpectedly sprung up and didn’t start well at all; perhaps it’s someone whose dropped by your office and launched into argument mode for some perceived hurt or injustice they want to guilt you about; perhaps it’s a loved one or friend who’s upset and resistant to hearing you out on a matter of significant importance for both of you; or perhaps it’s a high-stakes negotiation.

Whatever your ‘Jimmy’ moment is, remaining in control willing to find solutions will work much better than resorting to reacting and mirroring the aggressive or defensive attitude brought to you by others. No, in the face of conflict, it’s not a time to fight fire with fire, nor is it time to run and hide. It’s a time to slow things down, speak in a low, controlled voice and gently convey that you’re willing to listen, work with them and help in finding a solution that works for both of you. Identifying a need in the other as I did in Jimmy will also help you move beyond the original resistance or objection.

The keynotes to take from this passage are simple and effective:

-?????????Understand that when faced with conflict or resistance, there’s more than one way to handle it; finding the right way by thinking it through logically will pay off.

-?????????Remain in control and slow things down in the face of conflict. Speak in a low, non-aggressive tone of voice. You get to choose your response, always.

-?????????Demonstrate through words and actions that your focus is on helping resolve the situation and reaching solutions that meet everybody’s needs, and not on fueling the fire or ignoring it’s even started.

-?????????Deal with objections or roadblocks the moment they show up (as I did with my colleagues who looked more like the keystone cops than the professionals they were expected to be). You are in control of you and by being confident you can influence the positive behavior in others.

That's it for this article. The ‘Jimmy’ story and many others, complete with the lesson guideposts I discovered and learned from each are available in my book “Take Control of Your Life.”?

I also offer keynotes and workshops on the topics of negotiations, conflict resolution and dealing with self-sabotage. Inbox me, email me or call me for more details. And please, if you like what you’ve read so far, leave your comments and share.

Until next time – whatever comes your way, you’ve got this!??????????