Self-esteem and communication

With this newsletter I am excited to share with you matters I care about, hoping that it will inspire you to reflect, act and develop greater confidence and self-awareness in your roles.?Because the most important relationship in our life is the one we have with our Self!?

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Let's begin with an announcement,

Some people say they've read a book or two about NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming), others have heard that it is manipulative and they are afraid, yet some watched videos and think they know it. But, let me tell you, NLP is not to be read, but to be experienced.

NLP began by modelling successful therapists who had amazing and sustainable results with their patients, when all others were failing. Milton Erickson, the father of hypnotherapy was one of the models. Virgnia Satir, one of the greatest family therapists of all times, was another:

"You can read about swimming, you can watch others swim, but you don’t really know what it’s all about until you take the plunge yourself."

Would you agree?

So, are you one of those really curious people that will grab the opportunity to "take the plunge"?

• 10 - 12 March, live in Vienna or Online. The last English cohort this year.
• 31 March - 2 April, live in Skopje. The one and only Macedonian cohort.

Module 1 is all about impactful communication. Building and mastering your communication skills will make your job easier, even during difficult conversations. Taking the time to build these skills will for sure be time well-invested.?Read more here and call me to reserve your spot.

...and, continue with

Communication and Self-esteem

When we are in conflict with someone, we often think that they are the ones who should change their behavior, their attitude, their perspective... - in order to meet us at our level. Many times we have our nose in the air and expect that the other should come to us and make the move first. Other times we might placate and make ourselves smaller in order to avoid the conflict altogether. We rarely, if ever, are fully aware of what specifically we are doing, our attitude, our perspective, our tone of voice, our body language, our sense of self-esteem... and how we influence the communication.

One of the first NLP lessons when it comes to communication is:

THE MEANING OF YOUR COMMUNICATION IS THE RESPONSE YOU GET!

Read that again! ??

So, when you get a response that you don't like, for instance let's take anger - instead of blaming the other for their response, how about asking these questions:

??What are YOU doing to get anger as a response to your communication?

?? What's your body saying?

?? What's your tone of voice saying?

?? What do YOU want instead?

?? What can YOU do / How can YOU change to get what you want?

If you are not getting the response you want, change what you are doing until you get it.

This is easily said than done, right? Especially because we get caught up in our own narrative, and we continue reinforcing the story we tell ourselves.

Now, your narrative is closely connected to your self-esteem. This is your internal sense of worth, your self evaluation. In the words of Virginia, "when I feel good about myself and (I) like myself, the chances are excellent that I will be able to meet life from a position of dignity, honesty, strength, love..." - a state of high self-esteem. On the other hand, and I believe we have all experienced this - when I don't feel good about myself and I don't like myself, when I feel I don't matter, I am not good enough, like a victim defeated by life - then I meet life from a position of fear, rejection, impotence - this is a state of low self-esteem.

Your interactions with others are largely influenced by your self-esteem.

Schafer and Schiller’s (2018)?fascinating research shows that each of us has a ‘social map’ in our brain that maps out our place in the food chain. When your self-esteem is low and you interact with someone in the world, some neurons in our brain (grid and place cells) register the other person and through your perception of them being better in some way, they are stored above you in your ‘social map’. This means in real terms, your brain stores them above you, putting you beneath them and you get this feeling of "less than".

The opposite is also true. When you judge someone to be worse than you, your grid and place cells perceive that person as below you and you get this feeling of "better than".

In the words of Terry Real,

"Healthy self-esteem is an internal sense of worth that pulls one neither into 'better than' grandiosity or 'less than' shame."

Our ability to?communicate?and express effectively and appropriately boosts our?self-esteem and makes us feel good about ourselves. And, vice versa!

So, next time before you have an important conversation, ask yourself:

"on a level from 1 to 100, what is my self-esteem at the moment?"

If your score is low, try saying to yourself some of the following:

?? "I am who I am, not more and not less."

?? "I am worthy"

?? "I matter"

?? "The world is a better place because I am in it."

To finish,

My message for the month of March is:

Open up your senses and receive.

Conversation starters:

(Inspiration and Information Sources)

I'm reading, watching and listening to:

• Jason Arday becomes Cambridge University’s youngest black professor, the fascinating story of Jason Arday who couldn't speak until 11 and couldn't read or write until 18.
• Relational IQ Is Key to a Leader's Success. Here's How to Master It, According to Esther Perel
• Integrity by Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy
• How to Outsmart Your Own Unconscious Bias, a TEDx talk by Valerie Alexander
• The Whale?the new film of Darren Aronofsky
• Women of Impact podcast hosted by Lisa Bilyeu