Self-Esteem Comes from Within

Article taken from my book: The 10 Natural Rules for Reengineering Your Business and Personal Life: Transforming our inner-world begins with Changing the Way We Think and Act about it eBook: De Moraes, Ailson J.: Amazon.co.uk: Kindle Store

We all want to feel good about ourselves. It’s nice to have others tell us we’re smart, funny, good-looking or successful, but compliments are just ‘icing on the cake’. The true measure of a person’s worth comes from within.

Although people appreciate validation from outside sources – friends, family, teachers, co-workers – it should never become an overriding need. True self-esteem – confidence and satisfaction in oneself – comes from you. It’s been proven. The American Psychological Association published an article about the mental health consequences of basing self-esteem on external sources. Jennifer Crocker surveyed over 600 college freshmen asking what they based their self-worth on. Over 80% said academic competence, 77% said family support, 66% said doing better than others, and 65% said appearance (70% of whom were women).

Researchers found that “students who based their self-worth on external sources… reported more stress, anger, academic problems, relationship conflicts, and had higher levels of drug and alcohol use and symptoms of eating disorders.” However, those who based their self-esteem on internal factors, like feeling virtuous, received higher grades, were less likely to use alcohol and drugs and unlikely to develop eating disorders.

The consequences of basing your self-worth on external factors like appearance or grades can be devastating because you’re surrendering your own happiness: to the control of other people, or the whim of society. The approval or favour of others can be fickle and short-lived. Do you keep changing to suit their whims? Or do you find the strength to give yourself internal validation, accepting your strengths and weaknesses? It’s your choice, but if you base your own worth on the ‘fancy’ of others, you may regret it. So step outside the need for external validation, and build (or rebuild) your self-esteem.

Whilst self-esteem usually develops during childhood, it can also be un-nurtured, destroyed, or damaged at the same time. But you don’t have to accept what happened then. You can do something about it. This might be the first time you have ever considered building your personal worth, or restoring your damaged or destroyed self-esteem.

So – how do you build self-esteem? Lynn Ponton explains t he process in her article Building Self-Esteem and advises that you should first take an inventory of your strengths and abilities. Second, think about how you deserve attention, admiration, and ‘maintenance’ without concerning yourself about the happiness of others. Third, if emotions are overpowering, learn to control them. Get the help of a mental health professional to resolve issues that lie beneath the surface. Finally, join a support group for those with similar problems, so you won’t feel alone. If there are no groups in your area, or this doesn’t appeal, look into group therapy or individual therapy with a counsellor or therapist.

Creating or repairing your self-esteem won’t happen overnight. If you’ve suffered from people putting you down, or spent years mentally beating yourself up, it might be a lengthy process. But the rewards are so incredibly liberating, that once you begin to feel the difference, you’ll wonder why it took you so long to give yourself permission to feel good. Sometimes, starting the journey to self-esteem simply means allowing yourself to believe that “I deserve to be happy”.

In brief: Check – how do you know when you’ve done a good job? Is it when somebody tells you, or do you ‘just know’ for yourself? Do you value other people’s opinions more than your own?

You might have suffered damage earlier in life, or other people and life events may have given you negative beliefs about your value and ability, but you don’t have to accept those things. You deserve better. If lack of self-esteem has been holding you back, now is the time to take control. You can change things. Treat yourself as you would a precious friend, be kind and encouraging, and value yourself now.

Action Points:

1. Make a list of your good points, talents, skills, qualities and achievements. Ask others if you have trouble identifying them!

2. Make notices with your list of achievements and post them up. Or create some affirmations for yourself: “I am clever and creative,” or “I am beautiful and confident,” or “I am kind and helpful,” or “I am dynamic and successful.” Stick them up on the mirror or fridge, or wherever you will see them often. Praise yourself and your achievements and really feel and believe those good things.

3. If you need to, get help from a counsellor or therapist to develop positive beliefs. Let nothing hold you back!

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