Self empathy tips from my sidewalk

#StoryTime - Another life lesson from an unexpected source. This one's about self #empathy.

When we sold our home in Florida, we wanted to shine it up a little, and installed a new sidewalk leading up to the front door. The idea was to use stamped concrete to make it look like a stone path. The process involved placing a thin layer of concrete on top of the cement, and then using a large rubber stamp with a stone pattern in it to create the look.?

When most people saw the result, they thought it looked great. I am not most people. I hated it. Every time I walked out of the front door I saw its imperfections, and it drove me crazy.

If you’ve ever tried to do any home renovations, you’ve probably discovered that what looks like a straight edge - a wall, a window, or, in my case, a sidewalk - is seldom ever 100% straight. When the workers lined up the rubber stamp to be flush against our driveway, it aligned the way it should. However, by the time they got to the front stoop, the pattern was crooked, because the front stoop wasn’t straight.

Top that off with the fact that my cat saw an opportunity in me standing and crying with the door open to make his mark on the world and stick his paw right into the wet cement.?

I have always been a stickler for perfection. If I’m going to do something, I have to be the best at it. If I’m going to take on a project, I’ll redo it over and over again until I’m satisfied.?

This need for perfection can be problematic. It contributes to my anxiety, causes me self-doubt, gives me imposter syndrome, and incites worry.

However, this desire for perfection also drives me to do the “right” thing. It’s a strength. I can see patterns and connect dots that others can’t see. I’m an equalizer. I champion for the underdog, and fairness and empathy are key decision drivers. It makes me a good #socialmedia marketer, because I can empathize with my audience, which resonates with them.

The irony is that empathy is a messy field of study. There is no perfection in it at all. Look up the definition and you’ll find 100 different ways to describe it, you’ll find types and sub-types, and you’ll also recognize that even if you’re a natural empath (like me) you still have a lot of work to do to understand it.?

For example, self-empathy is something I never really considered before. Dr. Kristin Neff describes self empathy (she calls it self compassion) as?

Acting the same way towards yourself when you are having a difficult time, fail, or notice something you don’t like about yourself. Instead of just ignoring your pain with a 'stiff upper lip' mentality, you stop to tell yourself 'this is really difficult right now,' how can I comfort and care for myself in this moment?        

You can’t pour from an empty cup. It’s why they tell you to put your oxygen mask on first during a plane safety demonstration - if you don’t have air, you’ll pass out before you could even help someone else.

It’s especially important for my fellow social media marketers. You are often on the front lines of some nasty conversations. Internet anonymity breeds trolls that forget that humans run social accounts. Self-empathy is a super important skill - especially after the past two years of never-ending crisis.

Which brings me back to my sidewalk. It took a coach to ask me, “what can you learn from that sidewalk?” (My coach is frustratingly brilliant, shout out to Julia Korn .) I came to the conclusion, after some noodling on it, that I can eat my own dog food and learn more self-empathy.

Part of my self-empathy practice involves gratitude. (And yes, it takes practice. And practice does not make perfect. Practice makes progress.)

Now, when I think on that sidewalk (and the imperfections in my new-build home in Virginia), I draw on gratitude and say to that sidewalk, “Hey, you’re not perfect. You know what? I’m not perfect either. As a matter of fact, we’re perfectly imperfect. Thank you for reminding me. Go us.”?

In that gratefulness, I recognize that perfection is relative. Where I see crooked lines, every neighbor on my street has commented on how we’ve beautified our entrance.

Self-empathy is a muscle that you have to build just as if you were lifting weights. I am not perfect in this practice. I back-slide, and there are days where I still hate the sidewalk. Maybe the sidewalk has more to teach me, and I’m grateful for whatever thing that is that I need to learn.?

What frustrating thing in your life can you flip on its head? How can you be grateful for it, and what can you learn from it, with a focus on self-empathy??