On Self

The other side of courage

There was a day in the recent past that I woke up to a life that I could not relate to anymore. A life that I had built when I thought I was a different person.

Because once you had the first glimpse of your soul, the vastness of pure potential, the connection with everything, nothing fits anymore. You start on a journey towards your pure essence and all the battles that you thought were hard until now, were just steps to get you here. To the point that you need to show the greatest courage.

It happened to me. I had to lose all my crutches at once and learn to walk on my own. Not for the others to see. Very few people could understand this fire that was engulfing my whole being. But for ME. And where do I start?

I had created roots in my family, my friends, but the way I was reacting to life had brought? me far away from where I wanted to be.

A happiness painted by numbers that was replaced by an unhappiness created the same way. A tower of heterogenous blocks, identities, qualifications, labels I had been accumulating when I was desperately trying to explain myself to others. My life looked like that. But suddenly I had tuned into a new vibration, discarding everything that was alien to my frequency. Only alas, these were mostly internal processes! In my everyday life I still had to deal with all the choices I have made until now. And that was hard!

For a long time I had difficulty understanding how to manage a life that had already been lived in a certain way for so long. I was afraid I would lose everyone.

Sometimes? though, you have no choice but meeting your destiny. So, instead of explaining who I was, I opened up. I opened my heart, to people close to me, but also to people that I did not know very well too. I became vulnerable in an effort to find the courage to be ME.

I started sharing my inner thoughts, this inward journey, in a language that was very clumsy and inaccurate to start with. In the years of my pain, as I was trying to protect myself, I had lost my voice completely. Nobody really knew what I was thinking. Often a wave of rage and despair will take over me, and I will just come out with all my thoughts at once, but nobody could help me or understand me that way.

As I was sharing my vulnerability I was surprised to see that people stayed. And more joined me too.

Writing, has been a big comfort. Through creativity, Maria started reintroducing herself to me in a way that was awesome and completely unexpected. I started appreciating my challenges, because I knew that however painful something was, it would soon pass and at the end of it, I will be one step closer to where I wanted to be.

I realised that Maria was always waiting for me on the other side of my courage.

So I became brave.

I don’t think we have any other choice.

Through this reconnection with my heart, my nature became more apparent to me. I started understanding myself as the female of my species, a humanness, someone that did not need a name or a role to justify her existence. As I grow older I can see my sacred geometry in every wrinkle, in the shape of my hands, the lines of my palms.

The idea that, I have been lived by Life, suddenly makes perfect sense to me!

I am still dealing with my everyday necessities, work, unpaid bills, laundry.

I still get into these cycles of despair and enlightenment.

But now I understand this is just a theatre stage.

I choose my role now.

And I do what I can.

And I cry often, although not as often as I used to, but this is necessary too.

Sometimes I feel like I have somehow chosen my challenges, because I always knew that overcoming them will take me closer to my soul.

And closer to where my soul is yearning to go.

Nothing will ever feel like home, unless I am on that path.

On my way there I have identified sign posts like Love, Joy, Gratitude, Courage.

But on my way there I am also finding other souls on a parallel journey.

Looking to meet themselves on the other side of their courage.

And that is everything….