Self-Construction: Building Your Best Self

I was teaching a class recently on the concept of "self-love." One of the participants commented that, at times, she had turned to self-destructive behaviors because it helped her numb the pain of her past. 

Self-destructive behaviors harm you physically or mentally. It's not an uncommon term, and probably all of us have practiced behaviors at times that were destructive for one reason or another. Often, it's to escape a situation we don't like, emotions we don't like, or even a person we don't like - our self. Sometimes, it's just a lack of truly valuing our potential. 

Hopefully, as we grow and mature, we realize the value of avoiding those behaviors as much as possible. And, as in the case of my class participant, we realize that healing from pain, trauma, or overcoming adversity means we have to turn away from self-destructive behaviors and "feel all the feelings" in order to heal from them. 

But recently, I was wondering if there is more to becoming our best self than just avoiding "self-destruction." What if we could move from self-destruction to intentional self-construction? What would it look like? 

Wikipedia defines the term "Self-construction" as, "one's cognitive and affective representation of one's own identity."

To be honest, I'm not really sure what that means. That's one of those vague terms that doesn't have much tangible meaning for me. What's an affective representation? (Insert shrugging emoji here!)

If you've been following me for any length of time, you know I'm more of a down-to-earth person. When someone says "You can transform your life!" I'm that person who is over here like, "Well, tell me how! I want a step-by-step guide!" Inspirational and motivational speeches are great, but just getting pumped up isn't enough. I want, No, WE ALL want, real, practical help we can apply to our own situations. So, in today's article, I wanted to dig into what it means to "Self-Construct," and how you can apply this to your life. 

It's a simple formula. That is, simple to understand and simple to do. It's not EASY to do however. But, it can be done. Here's how you can begin to build your best self:

1) Claim Your Values 

The first step in self-construction and creating your best self is to decide what's really important to you. I mean it. How much time have you given to the question of whether you value your health or not? I bet if I asked you, you would tell me, "Of course I value my health!" But, would I see that reflected in your diet and exercise habits? If you truly value something, you make time for it, take care of it, protect it, and consider it precious. That doesn't mean you are perfect or that you get it right 100% of the time - but that anyone could see evidence in your life that it's important to you. 

So, what do you truly value? Family? Health? Wealth? Legacy? Career? What would your life tell me you value? Take an honest look and if you need to make a change, then do so. Your values are your values and I can't tell you they are the right ones for you. Only you can do that. But, I can encourage you to think about claiming your values as your values. And, then it will be easy to live them. Let me tell you, probably the most important thing to value in becoming the best version of you is growth. You cannot reach your potential in life without valuing growth and development. More in my next article on HOW to grow.

2) Choose Your Thoughts

I talk about this a lot, I know. But, that's because it's so important - and powerful. We can intentionally choose our thoughts. That doesn't mean that random thoughts or negative ones won't pop into your mind at times. But, you can choose to embrace them or push them away when they do. It takes practice. But, the minute you feel negative thoughts or thoughts that don't serve you well creeping in, PUSH THEM AWAY!

My favorite way to do this is think instead about something I'm looking forward to - an upcoming vacation, a race I'm looking forward to, or an upcoming speaking engagement. Another great way to choose your thoughts is to think or write down what you are grateful for. (Need help with a gratitude practice? Check out my book, "Fearfully and Wonderfully Made: A Grateful Heart")

What thoughts are you choosing about yourself? Your future? Your health? Your relationships? Your career? Are you thinking about where you are, where you want to go, and how to get there? Also, it's important to think about what you are not thinking about. What thoughts are you avoiding because they aren't comfortable? Get comfortable with uncomfortable in order to leverage the power of your thoughts. Remember my lesson on cheese crackers last month? I realized I was avoiding thinking about how cheese crackers weren't helping me with optimal nutrition. And, once I realized that, I had to think about how to overcome my cheese cracker habit. 

3) Command Your Actions

I spoke to this in last month's newsletter and how we can leverage the power of small changes to accomplish our goals even when we don't "feel" like taking action. Here's the not-so-glamorous truth: You aren't always going to feel like doing what you need to do. You aren't always going to feel like exercising, reading a personal growth book, writing in your journal, taking time to develop your team members, or eating a salad instead of key lime pie. Trust me - there are days I don't feel like drinking beet juice or going to run in 25 degree weather. But, it's important to my health. So, I command myself to take action - and do it. 

A command means you must do it! Whatever it is you need to take action on to move forward toward becoming your best self, give yourself the command and do it. Make a decision - a real decision. Which means once you have decided, it's not an option anymore. It's just a reality that hasn't happened yet. (Sure, there are rare occasions when you need to renegotiate your plans due to unforeseen circumstances, but those are truly few and far between.) 

Ria is a motivational leadership speaker, author of 13 books, and certified coach. Ria shares powerful leadership principles and tools of transformation from her journey to equip and empower women, helping them increase their influence, develop their leadership, and maximize their results. Click here to subscribe to Ria's Podcast Fearfully and Wonderfully Me or visit Ria's website: RiaStory.com