Self Confidence, A Superpower That Needs Our Attention!

“Lack of confidence kills more dreams than lack of ability. Talent matters—especially at elite levels—but people talk themselves out of giving their best effort long before talent becomes the limiting factor. You're capable of more than you know. Don't be your own bottleneck." – James Clear

Reading this insight from James Clear gave me plenty of food for thought on the role of confidence and why and how it matters. It took me back to the early days of my career.

The Confidence Trap

I remember accompanying my boss who was two levels my senior to a meeting where she spoke to a business unit on SME —my arena. Despite it being a subject I knew a lot about, I chose to remain silent. Why? I felt intimidated to speak up and share my know-how. Later, she told me that she was surprised that I hadn’t contributed. This self-limiting belief made me miss an opportunity to showcase my expertise to the leadership team of a business unit.

I realized a little too late that this was a confidence trap and I had fallen into it.

Why did I choose to keep quiet? Did I think what I had to bring to the table was not valuable enough? Was being with a senior, who was doing a great job talking about it (confidently!), a deterrent that made me question if my know-how of the topic merited attention? Did I feel unsure about my own ability? Maybe it was a little bit of everything.

I didn’t believe in myself and my abilities enough to speak up. And I missed an opportunity. The feedback helped me become aware of it and this meant fewer missed opportunities.

But this is definitely something worth a deeper look. And how do we scale this Mt. Everest in our careers?

How many of us have at one point or another in our career held back because of our lack of confidence? What was its cost? Why do we do it?

Let’s face it. Knowing how to play is good but playing it confidently is what makes the difference. Watch the soccer stars and athletes and you’ll see what I mean. The raw talent, the hours of training, the right techniques all amount to nothing without confidence. Once in the arena, complete confidence in their ability is all that matters. I am citing sports as an example because confidence is so easy to read in the body language of players (or other performers for that matter).?

Why Our Confidence Falters

Identifying what brings your confidence down is the first step to overcoming it. Some of the reasons why confidence (lack of) becomes a hurdle in a game we otherwise play very well are the imposter syndrome, perfectionism, and procrastination.

i. Imposter syndrome: Sometimes, despite all our qualifications and experience, we still feel like we are frauds. Like our achievements are a result of plain luck or that we haven’t earned it. Low self-confidence is tied to the imposter syndrome because when we don’t truly believe in our abilities to achieve, we tend to feel like imposters. We don’t give ourselves enough credit for our successes.

ii. Perfectionism: In the case of perfectionism, low confidence could be both the cause and result of this behavior. This is because your confidence is tied to how well you perform a task. So, it does not allow room for mistakes or failure. If you are unable to do something perfectly and meet unrealistically high standards and therefore fail even in a small way, your confidence in your abilities will take a hard hit. True confidence allows you to be more compassionate toward yourself.

iii. Procrastination: Let’s say you want to accomplish a goal. But you are constantly coming up with reasons to put it off. You can’t take any steps toward it and you have plenty of excuses. If you want to write a novel, your reasons for not sitting yourself down to write it could be that you don’t have the time, you don’t have the training, you don’t feel motivated, or you don’t have that mythical room of one’s own to perform such a mighty feat. Underneath these excuses is fear. And where does this fear come from? It could stem from your lack of confidence in your own ability to accomplish the goal.

How to Ace Confidence

Now that we know how lack of confidence can impede progress and prevent us from daring to live well, let’s look at some ways to get confident. What I have realized is that confidence is not a habit you learn one time that’ll serve you all the time. It is a muscle that needs to be exercised regularly.

Depending on what is holding your confidence back, there are specific action steps that you can take. My suggestions here are more generic and lean toward making confidence-building a daily habit.

i. Push the boundaries: In other words, get comfortable with the uncomfortable. It is easy to fall into routines. It is easy to feel confident when you are in familiar territory. But it is in getting used to facing the unknown that we develop confidence. This could mean doing things you won’t ordinarily do. Go to a networking event and leave with at least three new contacts. Train for a marathon and run it. Join a local Toastmaster’s chapter and develop your public speaking skills. Just simply, ask genuine questions in a meeting.

ii. What if and why not? The fear of failure and a lack of confidence are tied together. So, rather than seeing results in black and white, it is important to cultivate a mindset of exploration. Asking the questions “What if?” or “Why not?” will open up doors to possibilities. When results of a task are not measured in black and white, it is easier to tackle a task and it is easier to learn and grow your confidence. Worst case, you have an experience and that is always a good thing. Two questions that have helped me are;

1. Asking myself 'What is the worst that can happen?' Ans. Nothing consequential.
2. Reflecting back on previous such scenarios I have encountered and asking myself 'Would it have mattered if I had not held back?' Ans. Yes. It would have helped...YOU!

We often say no to ourselves before others say no to us, don't we?!

iii. Prepare to be naturally confident. What we often see is confidence on the stage, not the hard work and sweat and consistent effort that brought a person to that place. It does not matter which field you are in, even if you have a natural talent, working at it consistently will help you feel you are good at it. Confidence comes with practice as well as preparation and learning. You know it in your bones that you have done the practice and it increases your belief in what you bring to the table.?

If you have a public speaking engagement, do your homework and prepare: know your audience and the larger context of the talk, research the subject thoroughly, and practice on video or in front of a mirror or a trusted listener. If you are attending a meeting, prepare in advance and speak up to make your point. This kind of preparation and practice allows you to be fully present and confident in yourself when you are under the spotlight.?

iv. A learning journey it is. Self confidence is like a muscle that we build by learning from successes and failures. Do we judge a child who is learning to walk? We don't tire of encouraging that child. Treat your self confidence building journey just like any other learning journey. Plan for deliberate practice - which is intentional, consistent, aimed at improving your performance, designed for your current ability and integrated with constant feedback.

Speak with your colleagues, friends and stakeholders to ask for feedback - you may be surprised to learn that you are perceived way better than what you perceive yourself! Here's an article on the growth mindset that will give you a better perspective.

As it is said, the greatest mistake a person can make is to be afraid of making one. So let's nudge ourselves to get out there and learn to give life our 100%.

Here's to a more confident YOU!

I’d love to know about your own experience with confidence traps and how you slayed this demon in your careers. Share away and let's learn together!