Self-compassion and Etiquette

Following my previous column, where I discussed the relationship between compassion and etiquette, today I want to discuss the juxtaposition of etiquette with self-compassion. When we learn the etiquette guidelines, we understand that when we host an event, putting other people’s needs and feelings ahead of our own makes for the most successful outcome. Self-compassion, however, requires putting ourselves first to be at our best in regaining our life balance and when helping others.??

When we look at the dynamics of hosting, we find that the host is responsible for the safety and enjoyment of their guests. Most events or parties have a purpose – celebrating milestones or engaging in camaraderie. The host plans the event and often prepares meals and arranges for entertainment. They oversee all aspects of planning and executing each part. The host's job is to take charge of everything before the party begins and then step back and allow guests to enjoy their efforts. Great hosts remain “on duty” during the party, ensuring everything goes according to plan.

For some hosts, especially those with experience creating events, the work involved is enjoyable and relatively stress-free. But others find entertaining to be highly stressful and not enjoyable at all. It is more of an obligation that they must fulfill, and once it’s over, they can breathe a sigh of relief. Seasoned hosts don’t worry about the outcome of their work – they know the result will be great if the details are handled well. Others are less sure of their skills and worry about the guests' feedback. Will they have fun? Will they enjoy the fruits of your labors? Some even question why they’re involved in this whole process in the first place.

For stressed-out folks, the fastest path to relief is self-compassion. But unfortunately, we instinctively judge ourselves as harshly as possible whenever we concern ourselves with how others think of us. This natural reaction is designed to keep us safe. But frustratingly, it also creates unnecessary stress that makes hosting challenging or even a drag for some people. As elusive as it is for some of us, the easiest way to overcome this stress is to take some time to focus on ourselves and look at the reasons why we experience it. This requires a significant commitment, especially for those who resist self-reflection.?

Self-care is the essence of self-compassion. Taking care of ourselves is essential and becomes easier with practice. Checking in with ourselves throughout the day, especially when overloaded with commitments, allows us to regulate our emotions and create a better life balance. During this practice, we must put ourselves first, sidelining the needs of others for the moment and concentrating on our needs. In addition, we must understand that if we live with excess stress, we lose the ability to reason, thereby questioning any advice or judgment we may have. For this one reason alone, developing a daily routine incorporating self-reflection can have enormous benefits.

Our etiquette improves when we are balanced, drop our defensive armor, and enjoy interacting with friends and family. We are also better able to help alleviate the suffering of others. We develop greater compassion for others and can put their needs ahead of ours. We can offer an open ear and space for others to share their challenges and be heard without judgment. Being listened to and understood greatly matters to all of us, but never more than when we feel vulnerable. Our stress increases if we cannot express ourselves and receive the feedback or advice we need. So, it’s easy to see that when we are balanced and free of unnecessary stress, we can help others overcome their anxieties and challenges more easily.

Etiquette encompasses all our daily interactions. Being kind to others becomes a natural part of our decorum with practice. Most of us are aware that kindness generally begets kindness. Being kind to ourselves makes it much easier to be kind to others. Therefore, those of us who maintain a good life balance likely have a more agile approach to entertaining or helping others regain balance.

So, when creating a special event, lending an open ear to a friend, or being a leader, we will succeed more often if we are relatively stress-free and can genuinely enjoy what we are doing. We can intuitively know when to take a rebalancing break by checking in with our emotions. Self-compassion is arguably the single most absent ingredient to self-care. Yet, we must recognize its significance.?

As human beings, we all experience daily stress. We can handle a certain amount of it with little trouble. But we also have our limits. Being aware of our limitations and when the stress overtakes our thoughts readily allows us to regulate our mental state. It also allows discerning when we need to concentrate on ourselves to serve others better.