Self-compassion
Love is in the air!! Which means cute couplets, pink and red everything, and cinnamon hearts. For all the Valentine’s day haters, I have heard it: it is a hallmark holiday to sell chocolate, jewellery, flowers, candy, and cards. And depending on how you choose to celebrate, that could be true. But what if, just this year, rather than focusing on the capitalistic and cheesy elements of this month, we use all this love that is blossoming around us to talk about something important that I feel is deeply overlooked and undervalued—and that is self-love. Specifically, the act of loving by showing ourselves compassion.?
What is Self-compassion??
Dr. Kristin Neff, one of the leading experts on self-compassion, offers this definition: “Self-compassion is the ability to notice our own suffering and to be moved by it, making us want to actively do something to alleviate our own suffering.”
Breaking down her definition highlights some key elements that we must participate in:?
These three things, when broken down, seem quite manageable. In simplified form it is notice, feel, act. In reality, acting on these steps can prove quite challenging, as it takes intentional effort, mindfulness, and overcoming any false beliefs that we have accepted as truths.?
Lies we tell ourselves about self-compassion
Lie #1: Self-compassion makes me weak and lazy.
Research shows that those who are able to show compassion to themselves actually have more inner strength and resilience than those who don’t. Research also shows that people who practice self-compassion respond better to difficult situations and are more likely to bounce back from setbacks.
Lie # 2: Self-compassion stops me from growing and from being productive.?
“If I get too comfortable with my weaknesses, I will stop taking action towards my goals.”
“Love myself? How can I? I don’t even like myself. I am not the weight I want or have the job I want or have the friends or life or partnership that I want or thought I would have by now.”?
I have heard these abusive lies, and variations of them, for years. Giving yourself conditional love is depleting and draining. Compassion is not a reward for a behaviour, an action, or an achievement.?
The truth is that a person who practices compassion with themselves has a more realistic assessment of where they are now and what it takes to reach their goals. They also take into account their own limitations and challenges.?By tapping into that personal awareness, they can pace themselves for long-term sustained performance and success.
Lie #3: Self-compassion is selfish and egotistical.
Many of us feel that, when we put our own needs and wants first, we are being selfish and that we are limiting our scope and capacity to think of others. Or worse yet, that we feel we are more important than another being, causing arrogance and inflating our ego. While both of those thoughts are well-intentioned, the application is incorrect. Research shows that those who engage in self-compassion are deeply self-aware and mindful of their own weaknesses and thus practice humility and growth practices more often than those who don’t. By definition, the ego seeks to blame and belittle others, not express compassion.?
The other truth is that true compassion takes practice, and it starts with the self. If you are not able to practice self-compassion then when you attempt to act compassionately to others, you are actually acting from a place of pity and sympathy.??
How do you develop self-compassion?
The old saying “practice makes perfect” can be true, but can also be toxic. I prefer “practice makes a pathway.” Due to our brain’s incredible ability to adapt and grow new neural pathways, we can revisit and learn new skills through practice. Think of it like a path in the snow: the more you walk down it, the more packed it becomes and the easier it is to get through. This is where those original steps are key. Notice when you are being unkind to yourself. Feel the impact of those internal thoughts. Respond and act to change them.??
2. Be two, again.
I have learned a lot about what it means to love yourself by watching my daughter. I watch my two-year-old demand and learn and discover. She loves what she loves and doesn’t care if it makes sense to anyone else.?
She is learning to communicate more about what she wants. “I want a hug.” “I want to read a book.” “I need a snack.”?
She celebrates every small win.
“Yay, me.” “I did it!”
It fascinates me to observe her and hurts my heart to consider when we lose our own sense of needs and wants. When and why do we stop listening to ourselves? When was the last time you asked yourself what you need or want then honoured the response? Do you need a nap? A snack? Connection? And, more importantly, when was the last time you celebrated yourself for a small win?
3. Get creative.
Expressing your self-compassion through a creative medium has shown to have lasting and changing effects. It can involve writing a little love letter to yourself, words of encouragement, or a personal mantra. Writing isn’t your thing? Draw, paint, sculpt, design, meditate, or find a song whose lyrics remind you to care for yourself. I literally have a playlist called “Girl, Love Yourself.” These anthems serve as my coaches and reminders when I am struggling with my own voice of compassion. And yes, the tiny human and I have dance parties to these tunes often.?
Self-compassion is a journey. Wishing you all a wonderful celebration of self and discovery.?
My Valentine for each of you:
Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
Learning to love yourself is important work to do.?