Self-Compassion

In this article, I review a study by Schellenberg, Bailis, and Mosewich (2016) and apply the study to my professional experience over the next few weeks. Last week, I discussed imposter syndrome and how to manage the symptoms and feelings of being an imposter in our personal and professional lives. The suggestion was to shift thinking from the self to life engagement. Instead of the question “Who am I?” a person asks, “How do I want to engage in my life?”

The next two weeks I am going to ask you to shift back to the self with the idea or another remedy to imposter syndrome, and that remedy is self-compassion. According to Neff (2003a) as cited in Schellenberg, Bailis, and Mosewich (2016), self-compassionate mindset involves:

So what does self-compassion look like practically in your day-to-day life? Let us start with self-kindness.

1. Self-kindness: This means you turn off the voice that says “I should” or “I have to,” that very nudgy and judgy voice that is a real kick in the pants. You shut it off! You say “thanks for showing up today, nice outfit, but have a seat over there.” You replace your negative self-talk with words of encouragement and understanding. Your new dialog is that of a loving parent instead of a critical parent. What would a loving parent say to his or her child in your current situation? That loving dialog is your new self-talk. This takes a conscious effort in your everyday life due to the automatic thoughts that you developed throughout your lifetime. Be assertive with stopping the negative self-talk or stories.Self-kindness also means making sure that your needs are met to the best of your ability. If, let us say, you are going through a breakup and miss all the hugs you had when you were with your beau, then you find a way to meet that need. If you can’t get one from your ex, then consider a friend. If a friend is not available, maybe book a massage. Whatever needs you encounter, find a way to meet your needs. You may need to get creative here! Only you will know how to meet your own needs. Time to self-explore.
2. Common humanity: Remember the quote from last week: “The exaggerated esteem in which my lifework is held makes me very ill at ease. I feel compelled to think of myself as an involuntary swindler” (Albert Einstein). If this quote is truly by this legendary legend, then we can give ourselves a break and be okay with our life’s work thus far. You are not alone—many of us are in the same boat. This is another area where watching your self-talk may be helpful.
3. Mindfulness: Being mindful means holding a realistic view by finding the reality or lack thereof in your thoughts and feelings. There is always another perspective! If, for instance, you are feeling fearful of any situation, challenge your thoughts. Keep in mind that this fear is just one of the many possibilities you face, and even on the small chance you face it, it is temporary. Start going through the other possibilities rather than just focusing on the state of fear and what that means for your life.

Exercises:

1. Self-kindness: Write an encouraging love note to yourself! Whatever you are going through, let yourself know that you can do this because you have faced worse and overcame. Next, schedule a hot date or activity with yourself—whatever this is for you. What is it that you wanted to do in your life that you have not done? Plan it and do it now!
2. Common humanity: If you feel alone, then seek out someone who also feels alone and do something nice for them. If you cannot do something for them, then perhaps take a few moments to send them compassionate thoughts or a prayer.
3. Mindfulness: Take a moment to write down the situation that is on your mind. Ask yourself is there is another perspective, and write down the many perspectives that may be possible. I have a client who called me in a panic about a future meeting scheduled by his boss. He feared his walking papers due to a reduction in force (RIF). In the end, the meeting was about a promotion. He was unable to see that possibility before the meeting because of his fatalistic thinking and the RIF reality. Where in your life can you widen your perspective with creative possibilities?

Stay tuned next week as we discuss passion!

Bliss wishes,

Dr. Amber Stubbs