??Self-Coaching & Surfing??

Hey people, I figured what better way to kick things off than with a bit more of a light-hearted exploration of the power of coaching, or more specifically, self-coaching. You see, I finished my last job at the end of December and have been working on a personal project in the interim, so I’ve had plenty of time to talk to myself. One of the more interesting things I managed to talk myself into was learning how to surf...

What is self-coaching?

Well, I didn’t just talk to myself in the mirror, reassuring myself what a “neat guy” I was. Tempting, certainly, but unlikely to deliver much in the way of results. So what did I do instead? I continued doing exactly what I’ve been doing for the last five years with development teams, except this time I was working with the unholy triumvirate of me, myself and I.

Arguably, the main skill in coaching is asking people questions that they don’t usually ask themselves.? A coach facilitates a process of self-inquiry. They are there to ask questions, not provide answers. An effective coaching relationship encourages people to self-reflect and practise self-awareness in their daily life.

An example...

What follows is a step-by-step guide to how I used self-coaching to inject a little more fun into my life and learn a new skill:

Step 1: Practise self-awareness and self-reflection

I find that asking big questions like "What is the meaning of life?" rarely yields helpful answers. As I've been a Scrum Master for a long time now, my shortcut to a better understanding of any situation is usually to ask simple, retrospective-style questions like "What is going well? What could be going better?"

When I thought about these questions in relation to my life, I realised that as I’ve drifted further into middle age, I simply wasn't having as much fun as I used to. Some of the things that had once brought me joy just weren't doing it for me anymore. Maybe it was because I had been doing them for so long that they had lost something along the way, or maybe it was because I had grown out of them. Whatever the reason, I found myself in a bit of a rut. The activities that I did engage in didn't provide the same level of stimulation and excitement as they once had.

Step 2 - Be intentional

An intention is a higher level of abstraction than a goal. It’s more like a theme that reflects the things that are most important to you. Once I really thought about it, I realised that having more fun in my life was important enough to me that I should prioritise doing something about it. But what to do? You can’t just force yourself to have more fun. Rather the opposite, trying to have fun sometimes makes things even less enjoyable, but I knew in my gut that I couldn't just sit back and accept a dwindling quantum of fun as my new reality. So, I set a very simple intention: I want to have more fun!

Step 3 - Turn vague intentions into practical, achievable goals

I didn’t know how to have more fun, but I did know that it had something to do with breaking out of my comfort zone and trying new things. I needed some sort of new challenge. The interesting thing about challenges though is that lots of them aren't that much fun! I’ve found in the past that when I’ve said “I want a new challenge”, gone looking and found one, I've ended up with a lot of hard, hard, hard work on my hands. So to be clearer: I wanted to be challenged, but in a fun way, not in a painful, life-lesson kind of way.

Soon enough I realised that we had an upcoming holiday in the calendar. With half of my family residing in Australia, we had decided that Bali would be a perfect place for a family reunion. The trip was originally scheduled for 2020, but was, of course, delayed by the pandemic. This was bound to be fun in and of itself, but I hadn’t really thought about what I wanted to do once we were there. I knew the island is a famous surf spot, so I decided it was the perfect opportunity to try surfing.

Step 4 - Plan for success

Having spent countless hours bodyboarding and bodysurfing growing up, I felt confident that I would be able to adapt to the challenges of surfing without taking lessons. Of course, I knew there would be a learning curve, but thought it was a realistic goal to learn to surf by the end of the holiday as long as our accommodation was within easy distance to surf beaches. I suspected that my high degree of confidence was at least partially a comforting delusion, but I thought I would only need light preparation in order to achieve my goal. Living in North-West London, there are very limited opportunities to immerse yourself in clean water, so how should I prepare?

Swimming laps in the local leisure centre didn't appeal to me, so I decided to watch some Youtube videos to at least get a basic sense of how to stand up on a surfboard. Based on a very small amount of research, I incorporated exercises into my regular workout routine that would build up my core strength and help me pop up on the board when the time came.

My exercise mat became my proxy-surfboard, and I practised lying on it correctly with my feet tucked neatly on the back of the mat, pretending to paddle with my arms, and getting up as smoothly and quickly to a surfing stance. Even though it felt a bit silly, it was a fun new thing to incorporate into my workout, and I was excited to see if it would help me once I hit the water in Bali.

Step 5 - Take action

Once I finally made it into the water at Bingin Beach, I don’t think you’d be at all surprised to read that my first attempt was a total wipeout! I struggled to paddle out to the lineup, constantly getting knocked over by waves and swallowing mouthfuls of seawater. And once I finally made it out past the breakers, I found it impossible to catch a wave, let alone stand up on the board. After just thirty-four minutes of paddling and floundering about like an absolute kook, I had to call it a day and retreat back to the shore, completely exhausted and more than a little bit humbled.

Step 6 - Revise the goal and the plan

From my failed first attempt, I learned that it takes much more physical strength and stamina than I initially anticipated. I realised that it's not just about standing up on the board and catching a wave, but much more about having the endurance to maintain balance and paddle effectively as wave after wave crashes into you.

As I sat on the beach, staring out at the surf, I said goodbye to my grandiose visions of cutting up waves like Kelly Slater. I felt deflated, but not entirely defeated. After all, who was I kidding? I hadn't spent serious time at the beach in over twenty years, and my performance so far, though inadequate, was not so bad that common sense dictated that I should quit before I drowned. I decided that all I needed was to clarify a more reasonable goal, and to adapt my plan accordingly. Based on how things had gone so far, I decided that if I could stand up and ride at least one wave by the end of the holiday that would be a tremendous success.

In terms of planning, my first priority was now clear: I needed to build up stamina and shoulder strength. I thought about how I could do that within the competing priorities for the holiday overall. After all, the entire holiday was not just about me learning to surf! It was a family holiday and only one thing I wanted to do among many. Two other related goals were particularly pertinent: my partner needed plenty of time to relax and do what she wanted to do, and my daughter needed to practise swimming and get valuable experience swimming in the ocean.

I dedicated the rest of the week to hiring a surfboard once per day, taking my daughter with me and paddling around in the surf together. This gave my wife time to relax and enjoy some peace and quiet, while my daughter and I had fun splashing about. At the same time, I built up strength by paddling as hard as I could over longer and longer distances.

Step 7 - Try again!

In the following week, I found a quiet moment to go out into the surf on my own and try to catch a wave again. My shoulder’s felt stronger and I was much more relaxed and comfortable balancing the board beneath me.

However, as always happens with complex tasks, once you overcome one challenge, a new one appears! Now the main challenge was patience. I had to wait for and select the right waves to try and catch. I was acutely aware that I had a finite amount of energy, and that I needed to use that energy wisely. If I chased every wave I would burn out quickly. I also had to stay out of the way of other, better surfers. I had no desire for any Point Break-style confrontation, so I found a quiet spot away from the main break and waited.

On my first attempts to catch a wave I learned that I was lying too far forward on the board and it kept dipping forwards and sinking into the wave before I gained enough momentum. I adjusted my position and kept trying.

And then… boom! Before I knew it, I was up and surfing my first wave! It’s hard to say exactly how long I managed to stand up for, but I had enough time to look around me in wonder and think “Wow! I’m surfing!” before crashing back into the water. I’m sure I didn’t look very elegant or cool as I did it, but who cares? I did it!

Interestingly, I don’t even know how I stood up on the board. As soon as I felt the force of the wave carry me forwards, I somehow instinctively popped up. The time spent lying on my exercise mat on the floor of my flat must have been well spent.

Step 8 - Celebrate!

Amongst all the other family fun, I managed to get away another two times on my own to surf. The second time, I caught two waves! And then in my final session, it was low tide and extremely choppy. I could not read the waves at all and was not able to catch a single wave.

Even though I didn’t manage to catch a wave that session, afterwards I sat on the beach under the shade of a Pandanus tree, drank a can of cold beer, and felt a quiet sense of elation. I’m proud that I managed to achieve my goal, but I feel like even if I hadn’t, the real success was in following through with my intention. I had learned the fundamentals of an entirely new skill and had a really fun time doing it.