Self-Centered: Cultivating a Strong Sense of You

Quick poll:

What do you think is better: to be selfless or self-centered?

I’m willing to bet 99% of time, people would pick selfless. And that is admirable, no doubt. But why would no one ever pick self-centered?

I’ve decided that the word “self-centered” needs a new and improved definition. Yup, just decided it. The current definition—”preoccupied with oneself and one’s affairs”—is accurate but carries a negative connotation. Sorry Mr. Merriam and Mr. Webster, it’s time for a change.

Here is my new definition of “self-centered:”

“HAVING A FOUNDATIONAL AND UNAPOLOGETIC UNDERSTANDING OF WHO YOU ARE SO YOU KNOW YOUR BOUNDARIES, GET CLEAR ON WHAT YOU DO BEST AND CAN FINALLY STOP COMPARING YOURSELF TO OTHERS.”

Socrates said “know thyself.” How the heck are we supposed to get clear about our identity if we aren’t preoccupied with ourselves?

When you are self-centered, you come to know yourself. When you know yourself, you’re able to know what you need. What you know what you need, you gain clarity about your purpose. When you know your purpose, you can pursue your passions and develop healthy relationships.

But all this starts with giving yourself permission to be self-centered, which can be a challenge. Without even noticing, we may find ourselves completely preoccupied with others, trying to please them or attend to their needs: bosses, co-workers, parents, partners, siblings, kids, on and on and on. Our whole easily could be filled with complete attention and focus on what we are doing for others, or ruminating about what others think of us.

You also might feel really uncomfortable with the idea of being self-centered. And maybe that’s why there are so many euphemisms for it: self-care, me time, treat yo self. It’s widely accepted to take time for ourselves, but no one would ever declare “I’m self-centered!”

I want you to be ok with being self-centered. Not in a selfish, entitled way. But in a purposeful way that leads to personal growth and development. So to get you comfortable with the whole idea of being preoccupied with yourself, here are three reasons to become more self-centered.

1) KNOWING YOURSELF MEANS YOU KNOW YOUR BOUNDARIES.

I would be willing to bet that the number one cause of angst and frustration for most folks is other people doing stuff that annoys the hell out of them. I see so many people who go about their day letting people cross their boundaries left and right. Not necessarily major boundaries, but the little things that can add up. It’s like death by a thousand paper cuts. And suddenly, one day, they explode at their boss, or a co-worker, or their partner. They spend all their mental energy trying to please others that they completely ignore—or don’t know at all—their own needs and boundaries.

How do you figure out your boundaries? Simple. Just carry a notebook with you, and anytime someone does something that irks you a little, write it down. It doesn’t need to be some big thing that pisses you off; it could be a little thing that makes you wince slightly. Then look at the list of those things. Why do those things irk you? What is the boundary that was crossed? How would you give that boundary a name?

Here’s one for me. I call it the “Workaholic jab.” These are the subtle, passing comments from co-workers about their perception of the number of hours I work or the amount of work I get done. It’s the “Ah, I see you’re working hard over here!” said with a smile as I am chatting about baseball with a co-worker. Or the “Heading home already?” question as I pack up at 4:30 PM. I get it, you work long hours and are busy all the time. I respect that and you do you. Me? I work differently than you, and I also get stuff done. And this is because I know myself. I know that I’m just not productive working long hours and am at my desk all the time. I do short sprints of highly energized and creative work, and I talk to co-workers to build camaraderie and trust; both essential for my work.

Here’s the thing about boundaries, though. I think too many of us go through life expecting people to read our minds and just know what our boundaries are. That’s impossible. Of course there are some universal boundaries that are clearly lines that should not be crossed, but most of the time they are subtle and personal.

Of course, the most critical piece is that you communicate your boundaries, both proactively and in the moment. For the former, that could simply look like sitting down with your boss, co-workers, supervisees, family members, etc. and just telling them “these are my boundaries and I ask that you respect them. What are yours?” When you are explicit about our boundaries, most of the time people respect the hell out of you for doing that because they wish they could do the same. So by declaring your boundaries and then asking them to share theirs, you open up lines of communication and build the foundation for healthy relationships and partnerships.

The harder one is letting someone in the moment know that they crossed a boundary. This take courage to have a tough conversation with them. But if you talk to them with a healthy balance of directness and care, 99% of the time the conversation goes well (see Radical Candor for good tips for this type of conversation). But it really can be pretty simple. Let’s say your co-worker, Michael, frequently interrupts you while you’re speaking and it annoys the hell out of you so clearly a boundary is there. What you say to Michael could be one of two things:

1) If Michael knows this is a boundary of yours, say “Hey Michael, remember I mentioned that I don’t like it when people interrupt me before I’m finished speaking? Just noticed that you have been doing that in our conversation.” If Michael is a reasonable person and not an asshole, I’m 99.9% sure they will say “Oh my gosh you’re right, I’m so sorry. I will be more conscious of that.”

2) If Michael doesn’t know this is a boundary of yours, say “Hey Michael, I know that I never mentioned this to you, but I don’t like it when people interrupt me before I finish speaking. In the future, could you be mindful of that?”

Boom. The boundaries are clear. Now, instead of getting frustrated every time Michael interrupts you, and him doing it constantly without stopping, and you venting to your partner “Is Michael clueless?! Why does he not get it that I hate when he interrupts me?!” conversations and meetings with Michael become bearable and even really productive.

But all of this starts with being self-centered. Preoccupy your mind with what your boundaries are so you can communicate your needs to others.

2) KNOWING YOURSELF MEANS YOU KNOW WHAT YOU’RE REALLY GOOD AT.

As humans, we don’t focus on whats right and good about ourselves. We just don’t. Most of the time, the feedback we get at work is all about how we need to improve or what we’re doing wrong. Kind words about the work we did or the skills we displayed don’t come out until the going-away party at work. It’s always “Don’t do that” or “That’s the wrong way to do it” or “You need to be better” or “Here’s what you need to fix.” If that’s the feedback we get and we are our own worst critic, just imagine the level of self-deprecation we inflict upon ourselves.

Figuring out what we’re good at takes intentional time and effort, and requires being self-centered. And the funny thing is, other people probably already know what we’re good at, they just don’t tell us unless we ask them. And that’s what I have my coaching clients do after they take the StrengthsFinder assessment. I have them share the results with friends, family and co-workers, and have those folks share what they agree with and how they see those strengths. But that can be challenging and awkward for someone to ask a friend or colleague “Hey, could you tell me what I’m good at?” It’s a self-centered question. But, again, how can we “know thyselves” without being a little self-centered?

There are a million and one assessments to take to figure out our strengths, skills and passions. StrengthsFinder is one of my favorites, of course. But I also recommend 16personalities and Enneagram. When you know you do well and what your interests are, you’re more capable of finding a career or vocation that brings you joy, meaning and purpose. And when you find that, you’re a better you, period.

But the real challenge is cutting through the noise and the deadly “shoulds.” That’s what #3 is all about.

3) KNOWING YOURSELF MEANS YOU CAN STOP COMPARING YOURSELF TO OTHERS.

Comparison is an absolute killer. It completely prevents people from being creative, from getting into a flow, from experiencing meaningful personal growth and from loving themselves. I believe that the more time you spend worrying about what other people think or seeing what others are doing and telling yourself “I should do this or I should do that,” the less you really know yourself. It suddenly becomes difficult to tell if something you enjoy really is something you enjoy or something you think you should enjoy because others are doing it.

Do you really enjoy going to the gym? Or do you do it just because you think you should and your friends talk about going to the gym all the time? Do you really want to become a doctor? Or is it because you know that’s what would make your parents happy? Do you actually want to take on that new project even though you have a full workload? Or are you doing it to please your boss or because other co-workers don’t turn down projects? Do you actually enjoy having an Instagram account? Or do you do it because everyone else has one?

To become truly self-centered in its purest sense, it means becoming centered on who you are. Otherwise it just feels chaotic—is this thing I enjoy really true to who I am, or am I comparing myself to others? That’s an exhausting roller coaster of emotion and self-reflection. But if we take the time to be self-centered, there will be no question about who we are and who we aren’t—and then be ok with not being that person.

I’ll give you a quick example to illustrate that point.

For the longest time, it was really clear to me that I was not like a lot of other people. Specifically, people who are super productive, work long hours, keep comprehensive lists of things to do and color code their notes. I tried to be that way. I made lists, but I forgot about them. I tried to work long hours, but I got antsy and became unproductive. I tried to color code my notes, but would forget my notebook when I went to meetings and lost my pens. I just couldn’t do it.

Then I took StrengthsFinder and realized there was a name for this type of behavior—Achiever. And guess what: Achiever was at the very bottom of my 34 strengths. Dead last. It just isn’t who I am! And when I became aware of that, I gave myself permission to be ok with it. Sure, the Achievers around me would give me dirty looks when I went home at 4:30 PM and didn’t have a running checklist of tasks. But here’s the thing. Yes, they are productive. But I am also productive, just in a very different way. My productivity comes in the form of my strengths of Restorative, Ideation and Activator. Short bursts of innovative solutions. When I started to focus on those strengths and what I do well, that’s when I really started to hit my stride.

Being self-centered means having a clear understanding of who you are, and being unapologetic about it. Because know yourself deeply means you will be at your best all the time, which means you can give your best self to others.

So in a sneaky, ninja type way, I showed how being self-centered leads to being selfless. So go ahead, be self-centered. Embrace the word. Get to know yourself and love who you are. Because when you know and love yourself, you are able to fully express your best self to the world. And that’s one of the most selfless acts you can do.