?? Self-Care Vs Moms of the Pandemic

What is “Self-Care” anyway??

At a time when mothers are stretched beyond their limits, and struggling to bounce back too, the arm-chair experts all seem to wade in with a top tip: remember to practice self-care!?

Great! Thanks for that! But…what exactly is self-care, and how do we reach pinnacle self-caring to know that it’s working??

“the practice of taking an active role in protecting one's own well-being and happiness, in particular during periods of stress”.

The World Health Organization adds?“the ability of individuals, families and communities to promote health, prevent disease, maintain health, and to cope with illness and disability with or without the support of a healthcare provider”.

As the founder of Fit Mama and now Vivi Rocks, and a mom myself, I want to take a closer look at the “individual” and specifically “The Mother” as this demographic has been pinched, squeezed, exploited, struggled, and broken over the past two years especially.?

Back in mid-March 2020 the world was suddenly grinding to a halt. Engulfed with Covid-19 restrictions, including childcare, preschool, school, college and universities closing down and moving to online teaching, mothers were suddenly promoted to Headteacher, Teacher, Counselor, Dinner Lady, Entertainer, After-school Club, and holding down her own professional job, friends, family, house, and more. The ramifications of Covid-19 restrictions still impact mothers today - almost two years later.?

With every aspect of life and living impacted, it slowly started to filter through around 6 months into the pandemic that mothers were at their limits. Burnout was now being openly discussed, and not kept behind the safe doors of the Group Chat. Stress, anxiety, and feelings of complete overwhelm seemed to be the only feelings some mothers were having. Moments of joy seeped through, of course, but in general all we talked about was “how tough life is at the moment.”?

I was (am) one of those moms. I’m a single mom, an immigrant in a foreign country, and with pretty much zero support network around me - except for school and after-school clubs - there was just me, myself and I to take on the “burden” of home-schooling et al. It was not my finest few weeks, nor for my son either. But the only thing we could do was - take it one day at a time.?

Initially, it felt like a quasi-new world - complete flexibility, working from home suggested by the Government, work/life balance restored! We were hanging out of our windows every night at 9pm cheering for our medical staff, dipping into virtual quizzes with randoms, hosting wine nights on Zoom, downloading TikTok, and kicking back a little. Life wasn’t all bad!?

But pretty quickly this new world felt a little bit like a trap. This was not the WFH we envisaged. This was nothing like the flexible working lives we craved. This felt like we were trapped at home, all the time, with our kids by our sides. Constantly, with no end in sight.?

I recall interviewing three parents - two moms and one dad - to see how their new lives were playing out. The dad was delighted! He had reduced his two-hour commute to zero, had scored working from home at the exact time his second child arrived, thus gaining parental leave + WFH in one fell swoop! He was loving it!?

One mom (of older kids) was missing the babysitting support network her and her husband usually relied on - after-school plus grandparents taxiing the kids to after school activities. All gone. They were on a WFH mandate, but the kids' schools had not closed, so they ended up spending large chunks of their day taxiing their kids around, grabbing meetings on the road (dialing in) and just running from one problem to another.?

The second mom (of a younger kid), was simply stretched beyond possibility. Her husband was WFH but was in a role that was customer focused and as such needed the security and privacy of a closed office space in the home. Leaving the mother, who also works full time, WFH and looking after their young child.?

When we look at every type of scenario - working full time, reduced hours, single parent, in a cohabiting relationship, etc. - the same issues come through - the mother is the one who has been balancing the majority of everything - physically, emotionally, psychologically. And this isn’t just opinion, there is plenty of data out there to confirm that mothers have been picking up the majority of the childcare and home-schooling.?

Research from McKinsey?was even more stark:?Research from McKinsey over the past year shows just how dramatically the pandemic has affected working mothers. They’ve grappled with a “double shift” of household responsibilities, mental health challenges, a more difficult remote-work experience, and concerns about higher rates of unemployment—particularly among mothers of color and single mothers. These burdens come on top of structural barriers for working women, including being the “only” woman in the room and playing an allyship role for others.

The?WEF wades in with more grim reading:?Early reports during the pandemic pointed towards elevated rates of depression and anxiety, especially for mothers. … The COVID-19 pandemic has highlighted inequalities that were deeply entrenched before the pandemic even happened. Specifically, women are more likely to be precariously employed, earn less income and take on the majority of household tasks and child care responsibilities. These gaps are even larger for low-income women and women of colour.

So, we know that moms have had it tough and are currently still deep in the trenches of survival. Moms are a bright bunch. We know we are breaking point. And we know that we are the glue of our families too. We know that we need to get up every single day and get through with as much strength as possible. But it is not easy. We are absolutely exhausted. And this is why it’s important for us to think about what Self-Care is to “us”, as individuals.?

Self-care has become a bit of a marketing tool for DTC companies globally. Articles, blogs, memes, Insta posts, all center around face-masks, hot bubbly baths, glasses of wine, meditation, journaling - the list goes on. But after seeing a post the other day about “an hour of self-care every day” I thought I was going to burst a vessel! I have absolutely no idea who posted it, but whoever it was cannot possibly be a mother. No chance, no way. I do not know any mother, none, that has a spare hour?per day. And what troubles me most is the vulnerable mom, having a completely shitty day, who *finally* sits down for five minutes, scrolls down and sees this type of post. She is already overwhelmed but thinks: what am I doing wrong? How do other moms have time to do this?!

But the reality is that moms simply are not carving out an hour a day for anything remotely labeled as “self-care”, they are just-about-managing to get through each day, falling into bed absolutely exhausted every night.?

Self-Care is critical though. It is absolutely essential for every single person to practice self-care, but in recent times that necessity has been parked and put on the back-burner “until further notice”.?

I did a quick survey around my close friends today - just to check what they would define as self-care and what they’re actually doing every day.?

Mom A said: no time to do anything anymore. I get through my day, collapse in bed, ready to go again the next day. My kids had a double sleepover on Friday night - that basically meant I was in PJs all day Saturday, just floored. A friend persuaded me to visit her on Saturday evening. I had to pull out every single piece of energy I had left in me, get ready and headed round to her place, with my kids, and ended up having an amazing night. Sunday felt so much lighter. But, I was truly not up for it on Saturday before I went. Just shows that once I got there it changed my whole mood for the rest of the weekend.?

This was a really interesting point - a cost-free way to inject a bit of energy into your life - especially if you’re an extrovert - spending a bit of time with a close friend, no pressure meetup, and just sharing stories, fun, music, drinks. Mom A’s idea of self-care can be meeting up with friends in a no-pressure zone - in someone’s home, no need for dressing up, makeup, taxis, or mass plans.?

Mom B?told me that for her self-care was essential and that she does not compromise on her self-care regime at all, for any reason. Wow! She is married, both kids in school, and has prioritized her emotional wellbeing for the past few years. This is amazing to hear. She knows when things are getting imbalanced and how to rein that in.?

Mom B’s idea of self-care starts from her inner Self and works it to the outside. She doesn’t mention baths, or drinks, or even exercise - but does talk about keeping her emotional and mental wellbeing as a priority.?

Mom C?told me that even five minutes of “me time” is what she’s putting down to self-care just now, but that finding even five minutes is tough. I find this really sad, but also true. For me that five minutes has to be stolen from something else in the schedule. There is very rarely an actual free five minutes anywhere!?

And so - when I see so many trends around mental wellness I can’t help but think that they were never tested on a mother!?

Take *any* of the new sleeping technology -?8 Hour Sleep?or?Whoop, for example - these amazing tech companies cry out that sleep is critical for everyone and a poor sleep is just a recipe for a bad day. Yeah, we get it. But are you testing these on the mom of an infant going through teething? Or a toddler who has a fever, runny nose and sneezes all night long? What about a mom who is balancing homeschooling and WFH who needs to do the actual work of WFH every evening??

It just doesn’t work for that massive (not niche!) demographic.?

Face masks, bubble baths, meditation and journaling - all amazing things to do, but rarely will a mom have any time or peace and quiet for any of them to be effective.?

So, what does this leave??

Where can we find our self-care? How do we bring our lives back into our control??

The one concept that seems to come up, underlying with all of the moms I’ve worked with since 2010, and talked to over the past two years, comes down to: the ability to say no.?

No.?

It’s a complete sentence, but it is pretty tough to do!?

Saying no to someone or to something indicates that you’re setting boundaries. And setting boundaries can feel awkward and strange to you, if you’ve never done it before.?

By coincidence, Calm App posted this in the IG feed today, and I think it puts it well:?

“If you’re not used to asserting your boundaries, you may find yourself feeling awkward, scared, guilty, or nervous when addressing a personal limit. These feelings don’t mean that you shouldn’t have a boundary. Try supporting yourself with breathing exercises or meditation.”

Modern Therapy?says there are eight areas of self-care: physical, psychological, emotional, social, professional, environmental, spiritual, and financial. Movement of the body, health, nutrition, sleep and resting needs.

In order to firstly protect each of these areas and then allow them all to grow and thrive, having the ability to say “no” suddenly becomes very important. By learning how to say no will allow you to reduce the overwhelm engulfing you. By finding out what your own limits are, in each of the eight areas listed above, you can then figure out what your boundaries are, and then you’re ready to practice saying “no” to anything that doesn’t fit into your criteria.?

I don’t think this will be easy to do - at all - but given what we’re currently coping with, something has got to be worth a try!?

If we look at Mom A, from earlier, if she had agreed to a sleepover, but not a double sleepover - just one kid had one friend - then possibly her wiped out feeling on Saturday would’ve been lifted. Saying “no” to one child would’ve been tough, but a quick negotiation might’ve been possible “You can have your friend next Friday night. Let’s arrange that with their mom right now, so we’ve got that planned!”. It might seem that a double sleepover is as much work as one child sleeping over, but experience should tell us by now that having double the number of kids is never “just the same as having our own kid”!!?

Mom C might need to say no to quite a few things! This might be work-related, partner-related, child-related, or just a compromise on something she’s already involved with. The need to carve out some time every day, just to reflect and breathe, is a non-negotiable, so for this mom maybe she needs to add a “walk to work” every morning and “walk back home after work” every afternoon - even though she WFH!! Leaving the house at 8.30am to do a routine walk to start work at 9am, just might be the way back to 30 minutes of a commute, which, let’s face it, MANY parents were used to getting every workday and putting that down to “me time”!!! Sad, I know, but that’s what it was!?

And for me? Well, I came across a quote from Holly Willoughby, TV presenter, entrepreneur and mother of three, today - who talked about how she had no idea what she was into now - she finally realized that after years of being a mom and driving her career, she had forgotten to spend time with herself. She didn’t know what music she was into, or what her hobbies were anymore. And that just resonated so much with me. I feel the exact same.?

It’s not so much that baths and face masks aren’t nice and relaxing, it’s more that I no longer know what I need to do for my own self-care. I know that I love to chat to my close friends. I love live music. I really enjoy the movies. I miss training with clients face-to-face. And most of these things were stripped during Covid.?

But what I do have time for is every evening. I literally do whatever I want from around 8.30pm to 11pm (within my apartment!). I’m single, so I don’t have an “other half” to be with (that would be nice too), but it allows me to flex my day… I don’t need to be working at 9am everyday. Some days I can start working at noon. Mornings can be lazy - and that is definitely self-care.?

Moms. The most stretched demographic of the pandemic. I urge you to take a minute today to figure out what you should be saying “no” to - and build up your courage to do just that. I really believe that saying no is our answer. It’s not negative in any way - it’s positive. It respects you, your body, your mind, and your life.?

Then - take some time to figure out who you are today. Maybe you’re pretty sure of that already, but for those of you reading this who, like me, don’t actually know what would bring the chill vibe, maybe use your walk to WFH to figure out what you’re into these days. And for your sake, ignore the “hour a day of self-care” memes… they’re written for entertainment, not for moms.

Okay - that’s a lot of news for you - only one thing for me to say - have an amazing week ahead and please let me know if there’s anything you need help with or advice on - I’m available [email protected]

Thanks for reading! See you next week

Michelle

xoxo

Michelle Caira?is the Founder and CEO of?Fit Mama Fitness Inc?, a community contributor at?Thrive Global?and a certified Master Personal Trainer. Michelle launched?Vivi Rocks, a digital platform for women, in 2022. Its goal is to equip women with the fitness, nutrition and mental wellness solutions and tools they need to thrive - at home and returning to the workplace. Passionate about women in business, Michelle is an entrepreneur with a global vision, and committed to help create a world where women thrive, regardless of any and all other factors.

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